Mama, I miscarried when I was 17

I'm sorry I never told you. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I thought it was all my fault. I didn't want to get in trouble. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I mean, I guess part of me knew but I was too scared to take a pregnancy test. I wasn't ready to be a mother, especially when the "father" was the person who raped me. I felt like I had nobody to turn to. You were always a pro-choice, understanding and non-judgmental person, but I couldn't bear to look you in the eye and tell you. It would have broken you to know that I had to go through that after being violated. I can't really explain my thought process at the time. Maybe I thought that if I said it out loud, it would make it real. I told my lovely boyfriend recently. He's one of handful of people who know. He was so kind and understanding. He was empathetic and didn't make me talk about details I couldn't face yet. He basically did everything right.

This happened almost six years ago and only 3 people know (my best friend at the time, my childhood best friend and now my boyfriend). I never even mentioned it to the counsellors when I was in hospital after my suicide attempt. I was so scared of getting in trouble or being judged. Looking back, I know now that I wouldn't have gotten in trouble and I would have been supported. But my mental state at the time was so bad that I couldn't think rationally.

It doesn't impact me as much as it used to, but hearing stories about other women miscarrying brings all those feelings back again. The feeling of desperation, panic, disbelief, grief and guilt. The fact that some people believe that my pain isn't valid or worthy because I didn't know I was pregnant or because it wasn't a fully formed baby yet hurts me so deeply. Right now, I'm crying for my loss for the first time in five years. I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, so in my head I've named it either Dara or Rowan (I go back and forth between the two).

I just need a hug right now. What if this means I can't have children?