Source
r/DMT•
_swf

What... happened?

Twenty minutes ago I finally broke through. It took me six attempts. Only four of those attempts were actual trips. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this.

It was like a family meeting. That much I knew to expect. But I wasn’t home. I was somewhere else, I don’t know where. And they weren’t comforting me or welcoming me. They were laughing at me. All of them, mocking me. Even this female entity that had very strong maternal energy - she wasn’t laughing, she wasn’t moving. But her silence was telling. Why were they mocking me? What did I do?

Then towards the end they brought me in a room, and they opened a chamber. They wanted to show me something. I don’t know what it was. But I couldn’t stay in their dimension long enough to see it. The acrid taste in my mouth, the sensations of reality, they brought me back before I could see whatever they wanted to show me. Do I have to go back? Do I even want to?

This is not what I expected.

Now I’m wondering if I actually did break through. I didn’t lose my ego. I barely even felt the “waiting room”. I didn’t feel dead, I just felt like I wasn’t in my body. And I could still move my body if I really needed to. Did I not break through?

Edit: Thank you everyone for helping me understand this experience. I think I’m starting to get it.

Posted Feb 16, 2019, 6:17 PM UTC · edited

1520
fractalspank•

My family used to laugh at our dog when she would come in the house with a stupid look on her face.

Tail wagging, eyes expectant, completely clueless.

We loved her more than anything though.

45
Gradual_Bro•

Damn

8
whydowequestionmark•

Assholes

4
Eman_Elddim_Tsal•

Ive always thought they see us like dogs. Cute less advanced tykes. However SOME react to seeing you in their dimension like a rat just ran accross their floor and they grab the broom and start swatting

4
PumaMayhem•

is that a thing? maybe that's what's keeping me hanging out in the waiting room.

3
SpaceRanger91•

Nice

3
whydowequestionmark•

Entities laughing at you means that you're holding on tightly to your ego and it's doings. The laughing isn't meant to shame you. It's meant for you to realize what a joke it is that you (we) think you're justified in the bad things that you do. The laughter was the means for you to disassociate from your ego and look at it from an objective stance like them. If you could've let go and done this, you too would have been laughing (and broken through, which you didn't).

5
_swfOP•

Thank you! This makes sense to me, but it also makes me more confused. In all my experiences with psychedelics I’ve been trying to achieve ego death. I’ve pushed myself to the absolute maximum so far- I listened to heavy doom metal while peaking on 500ug of acid, and I’ve smoked 50x salvia, expressly for the purpose of tearing down my ego, but it hasn’t worked.

I thought I was giving myself up completely to the experience. I wanted an ego death, and I was pushing so hard to break through. Do you think the problem is that I’m clinging to my desire to kill my ego? Maybe I’m fixating on that too much? It’s all really confusing for me.

2
whydowequestionmark•

All the things you've described have just been building your ego, not tearing it away. You're trying too hard and holding on too much. Do a psychedelic and just be. Surrender to the experience, don't try controlling it. You've been using them to show yourself what you think you wanna see, but you should be doing the opposite. Let them show you what you need to see.

4
sprouticusvulgaris•

I think it definitely could be that you’re trying so hard for the experience. I’ve seen this with people that spent a lot of time reading trip reports before really getting their feet wet. Which I think is a great thing but some of them have gotten so interested in the ego death-type experience they’ve lost the ability to just look at it simply as an experience and to let whatever happens happens. I would recommend just taking a break for maybe a month kinda forget about the topic then revisit it once you feel comfortable like it’s just some new experience to have, then try like 40-60mg vaped and you should be good. Much luck to you

3
PumaMayhem•

I've meditated on a vial wash, but for some reason DMT still... idk man lol

Edit- My ego is huge too

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
Windrammer420•

Don't underestimate the role YOU play in these experiences. Mine began with something similar - I thought everyone was freaked out by me, I felt cracked open and exposed and grotesque. Everyone was remarking on how clearly not okay I was (which I later found was entirely hallucinated), and there was nothing I could do about it. I realized I was living my worst insecurity, and I realized that this was in fact the meaning of the experience. This was the barrier I had to break through to earn what lay on the other end. And I did. I let go of the fears and I let go of my desire to lock anything down with explanation. Only then did I get to have the experience one expects from DMT.

This drug is always deeper than what you expect. It has its own agenda and I suspect it's never wrong, and whatever needs to happen for you to trust it and let go is entirely unique to you.

4
freedomatlast89•

I would consider your experience a break-through a mild one but you still broke through. On high doses you can totally have full ego death. I’ve completely forgotten who I was and what I am doing on high doses.

2
TripChaser_UK•

If you don't know if you broke through, you didn't break through.

When i broke through i knew immediately, it was like something had twanged and there was no denying what it was

2
_swfOP•

I’m sick of hearing this, I’m an incredibly skeptical person so the only way I’m going to actually believe that I broke through is if my experience fits the description of a breakthrough. I left this reality, that’s for sure. Is that what a breakthrough is?

2
chillmyfriend•

It's pretty subjective, of course. I had three or four trips early on that I each considered to be "breakthrough," where I thought "ohh THIS must be what people are talking about" and then my next trip was ten times more completely insane and was like "ohhh okay so THIS was the breakthrough!", only to have an even MORE insane "breakthrough" a few weeks later.

So I was going in with these expectations every time and kinda alternating between being disappointed and cosmically humbled. I think ultimately you have a better experience if you're not trying to do "human shit" like intellectualize or rationalize the experience, even through something seemingly harmless like categorizing or qualitatively or quantitatively grading the trip, or having a "goal" such as breaking through that you are trying to "achieve." This is shit humans like to do, tied to our egos, and these experiences aren't really grounded in that.

Try to go in without expectation, withholding judgment of yourself and the experience and what is happening, and try to just LET it happen. The less rigidly you hold onto your mind (scary, yes, I know), the more easily this experience can flourish.

3
STARMAN79•

I’ve smoked dmt several times and I’ve never broken through I’m always sitting in a room in my house or friend house with my eyes closed watching colors swirl in my mind I expect to leave my body and be someone or somewhere else but I think I definitely try to hard to let go or to control it... it’s very hard to accomplish if you think you know what to expect I’ve been waiting for the past 3 months to go at it again just so I don’t have it on my mind I also have some 5-MEO I’m gonna do hopefully my next journey will be profound because I feel I need a breakthrough experience. I’ve done a lot of shrooms and acid but never salvia and I heard salvia is a guaranteed breakthrough. Idk happy travels to all I guess we’ll all get there at the right time.

1
TripChaser_UK•

I thought it was a bullshit statement at first too, when i finally brokethrough i understood how much merit the statement actually has.

In my experience, a breakthrough isn't just one thing, it's a culmination of events and it leaves you completely awe-struck, for me it was so profound i couldn't speak for a few seconds after the experience because i was still trying to piece it all together

1
Greatmoosey•

As Terrence McKenna would say, YOU DIDNT TAKE ENOUGH.

2
scumbagChilly•

How much did you smoke? Would probably answer all your questions....

2