Source
r/autism•
ItsSilver

Is it more important for my S/O to understand my triggers or for me to understand why she doesn't understand my triggers?

I like to see myself as a relatively calm/laid back individual. I don't handle stress well but I am pretty good at refraining from lashing out in stressful situations. There's a few situations where I nearly always lash out momentarily when stress is built high and certain things happen at the same time, such as being touched when I'm stressed out. Being talked to when I have my headphones on (even more an issue if the person carries on with the conversation as if I can hear them with two massive things literally covering my ears.) Or on the "less okay" situation side I really don't like being bothered when doing homework or another task that takes concentration and it is almost a surefire way to get me to have an outburst.

I don't hit people and it never lasts longer than a couple seconds and usually entails nothing more than a "YES WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" but I can tell that my girlfriend gets extremely offended over them. I don't feel the need to apologize for my outbursts because we've been dating almost 5 years now and I've told her many times "I don't like to be touched when I'm stressed" and "I don't like being talked to with my headphones on or while I'm doing homework" I even proposed a solution for days that I have an intense amount of homework or just happen to have my headphones on all day. I'm fine with a note to get my attention and I react positively to a text or written note asking to talk to me when I'm overly busy. But she insists that "normal people don't write notes to their boyfriends when they are in the same room and I'm being over-demanding"

I feel that because I've lain down the few instances where I will have an outburst if provoked and given simple methods to interact with me without an outburst that I've been very helpful in accommodating my issues in a relationship.

But my mom says that I should instead accommodate my girlfriends emotions, instead of her accommodating my trigger situations.

I know that the normal response would be that we should both work on accommodating EACH OTHER. But I feel like I have been very accommodating of her emotions by detailing the situations I'm not okay with and she hasn't been accommodating to me by her refusal to not do the things that anger me, and then trying to make me feel bad by getting offended.

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Posted Feb 21, 2019, 6:32 PM UTC

110
jtuk99•

> I know that the normal response would be that we should both work on accommodating EACH OTHER.

Yes, that's the right answer. More importantly you need to work on communicating better.

If you can't both work this out, then really is this going to work out long term?

3
ItsSilverOP•

I'm not sure what to communicate to her better, I thought telling her that I didn't like being bothered when I'm doing homework or when people try to talk at me when I've got my headphones on was the clearest I could possibly communicate something.

Do I need to remind her before I start homework "I'm starting my homework please don't bother me" or "I am putting my headphones on I won't be able to hear you"? (I really thought it would be a common sense thing that some one couldn't hear you when they have headphones on)

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M_SunChilde•

Hi.

For context, I'm a neurotypical educator who is here to try understand my students and their needs and wants better. But, given the number of responses, I thought I'd comment here.

accommodating EACH OTHER. But I feel like I have been very accommodating of her emotions by detailing the situations I'm not okay with and she hasn't been accommodating to me by her refusal to not do the things that anger me

So your "give" in this give and take is simply to tell her your issues? That isn't giving at all. Communicating your issues is baseline. You have not offered to change at all. This is not meeting half way.

Some examples of meeting half way might be explaining when you are stressed (this is unlikely as apparent to others, even her, as you believe) and giving an alternative to touch for her to offer support, or perhaps to explain a timeline for how long you need space. With the homework, perhaps setting a timer so you don't get engrossed for as long. Take a break every 45 minutes and check in with her if she's there.

Now, that isn't to say those are particular things you need to do, but those are examples of you offering to change your behaviour to meet half way, rather than just explaining your position, leaving it unchanged, and expecting her to do the accommodating.

I am happy to discuss further if you have any questions or disagreements. Best of luck regardless.

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ItsSilverOP•

Now, that isn't to say those are particular things you need to do, but those are examples of you offering to change your behaviour to meet half way, rather than just explaining your position, leaving it unchanged, and expecting her to do the accommodating.

I tried explaining to her that if I have my headphones on or am concentrating on homework sending me a text would be perfect and its a gentle way of snapping my attention away from the task I'm doing. She said the suggestion was stupid and she should be able to just walk up to me and I should be able to switch focus to her for a moment.

I really like the text message thing because that's how my brother and me worked out how to communicate when I was doing homework or had my headphones in. Even my brothers girlfriend does it and it works for us. It provides a notification basically saying "hello, I wish to communicate with you, can you please communicate with me too?"

I feel personally that walking up to me and talking at me until I take my headphones off or stop doing my homework is akin to "turning on your blinker and instantly forcing your way into the lane" my brother and his girlfriend understand that.

Lately it just feels to me like I'm "asking a lot" by telling her that I would react much more positively if she got my attention another way and wouldn't come talk at me with my headphones on as if I didn't have them on. because shes been doing it an increasing amount.

EDIT: I also like that you're trying to understand students better. I wish more people made an attempt to understand their students better, especially if there's a generation/culture gap!

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M_SunChilde•

I feel like you are missing the point. You are still only offering ways for her to accomodate you. If that is what you need, fine. But be careful about framing it as though you have changed to meet half way. You have not described a change in your actions to try accomodate her, only you offering options for her to change for you.

In relationships, this kind of asymmetric burden seldom leads to happiness. The person who is given the larger burden often feels resentful, and will often ignore simple requests (as I feel this one is) because they feel like the other person is not meeting them half way.

In what ways have you changed your behaviours to better suit your gf?

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ItsSilverOP•

In relationships, this kind of asymmetric burden seldom leads to happiness. The person who is given the larger burden often feels resentful, and will often ignore simple requests (as I feel this one is) because they feel like the other person is not meeting them half way.

I get it now. I figured by offering a solution instead of just getting angry when it happened I was helping.

When we started dating I realized that my anger would be an issue with any person (I'm not saying I got angry often, but my outbursts were purposely hurtful becasue I felt like whoever made me angry was doing it to hurt me, eye for an eye type situation)

So my psych had me start on depakote (which was absolutely magical because it practically eliminates long episodes of irritability") and at that point I felt "alright a total of like 3 things anger me now, this should be easy!"

But other than asking my psych to help me eliminate as much irritability as possible I haven't done much.

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M_SunChilde•

You definitely are helping, and asking this sort of question is a great way to improve as well.

Everyone in life should be on a journey to be the best version of themselves. Sounds like you are taking very good steps towards doing that. Hope our chat helped. 🌸

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AutumnMama•

Try to address other things that irritate/anger you. A lot of the irritability and anger autistic people have to deal with comes from being overwhelmed/overloaded all the time. You guys never get a break.

Think of all the things that put you in a bad mood, and try to address them one by one. If you hate being in crowded, noisy places, start wearing headphones or listening to music when you go to those places. If you have clothes with a texture that bothers you, throw them out. Get stim toys, a weighted blanket, or anything else that might help calm you. Know your limits and don't try to push yourself. (Don't put yourself in an uncomfortable situation if you're already in a bad mood.) The fewer things you have bothering you all the time, the easier it will be to deal with the little things that pop up unexpectedly (like your girlfriend interrupting you).

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Nyipnyip•

I just wanted to say I am reading your response and thinking - you are being SO reasonable, why is she being so unaccommodating (Have similar issues with my husband)? And seeing the post below saying you are missing the point, just made me feel some Aspie solidarity with you and your plight.

now on to read the post below and see if I can understand why it is so awful to ask that if I must be interrupted can it be done in a less intrusive way...

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