I know it was inevitable but it still hurts. I can't help feeling like I've utterly failed my daughter. The last thing I ever wanted was for her to grow up in a broken home, and now that's reality. I'm so angry, mostly at myself and I don't know what to do with it.
Posted Feb 22, 2019, 4:39 AM UTC
Im not going to tell you what to do with that energy except it helped me to get it out in a positive way. I bottled mine up and it would come out in unnecessary times/places. Just remember that you define your relationship with your daughter. Best of luck man.
You may have done the best thing for your daughter.
She is seeing you cope after and during tough situations.
Hang in there. Maybe when you and ex were together the home was broken and you are now fixing it. Best wishes.
Maybe when you and ex were together the home was broken and you are now fixing it.
Totally this. I'm not a single dad, I'm not even a parent, I'm a girl who's dating a single dad and I lurk here to try to understand and know what questions to ask. Thank you for reminding everybody, and OP, that we learn the most from our parents during trying times. :)
May you and your guy be great together. And for his Kid(s). Best wishes.
You can still be the best dad possible.
My ex-wife and I co-parent. There are benefits as much as it seems like there aren't at first glance. For one, we are always eager to see our daughter and "fresh". Every parent knows that as much as you love your kids and would lay down your life in a heartbeat, sometimes you want them to just play by themselves and let you breath. Well, co-parenting makes those moments fewer and further between, you get sort of a refresher every few days where your kid/kids are with their other parent and your house goes completely quiet and you start to wish they were around... it helps you keep those "frustrating" moments further apart - and so you will be able to put more into the time you spend with your children. It's like parenting is a job and the time they are with the other parent are your "weekends". I don't know what your parenting schedule is, and while spending less time with your children does suck, there IS truth to the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". The time you spend together will be more enjoyable, the little unimportant things that would normally build up and cause you to get angry or annoyed for no real reason stays unimportant so you spend less "negative" time proportionally.
You have not failed your child because you aren't having sex with their mother. That doesn't make any sense.
I happen to get along well with my ex-wife's live-in boyfriend. He works hard, he is good to my daughter, we have a similar sense of humor and the same taste in women.
There are silver linings to every cloud. It's hard to see them when you are getting drenched by the rain. Eventually the rain stops, you dry off, and hopefully use all the water to grow something. The stinkiest shit makes the best fertilizer.
There really isn't a reason to be angry. You haven't failed. You aren't where you thought you would be and having adjusted yet. It will be okay.
We had a really good co-parenting relationship and I was even hopeful that things would work out. She left me originally and then asked me to take her back, but I was hesitant because I didn't want her to leave again and put all that instability into our daughter's life. She went behind my back and started seeing someone else. I didn't expect her to be celibate and I can't fault her for dating, but the lying has completely killed my ability to trust her. I don't know how I am supposed to be friends with someone I can't trust. I know the anger and hurt will subside with time to a dull ache, but at that point I'm still left with the wreckage of a relationship I worked really hard on. It wasn't perfect and it might not have been romantic but I put everything into trying to be friends so that our daughter could grow up and see that even if things aren't ideal we love her enough to be friends. It's just so hard for me to stomach the lying.
Time will put things into perspective for her and will calm down all those hot emotions. Everything you described is perfectly normal, expected feeling for someone in your position. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but things WILL work out. Focus on what you can do for your child.
My soon to be ex wife started dating a guy before I have even moved out. I hear them chatting on the phone at night, clearly having phone sex. It’s disgusting and I’ve asked her to be respectful of the fact that I still live in the home, to be discrete and that not only is it awkward to hear those things, it’s upsetting to me and makes a sad situation worse. Her reply was to ask me if I wanted ear plugs. She also travels for work at least one week per month. In the last two months she’s been lying about overnight business trips and instead going to see her boyfriend overnight. She’s essentially prioritizing her boyfriend over our kids considering how little time she spends with them to begin with.
At first it made me angry and hurt that I found out about this other person. This confused me too - why do I care if I don’t love her anymore? I wrestled with this because I think it bothered me more that it bothered me. In the end, my conclusion was that I was angry for all the previous years of cheating (I found out six weeks ago she had an affair that was off and on for 10 years of our marriage) and angry that someone else was being treated as a lover when I never was. I was angry and hurt that I never got those things from her when I was supposed to. I was angry. So very angry.
Then something shifted in a few days. I realized that I’m an excellent father. I realized just how much my two girls need me and that I’m their rock. I realized that I’m a source of comfort, love, security, consistency and joy for them. I realized they get more from me than they do their mom. They love their mom but I’m their rock, their comfort - their dad.
And I felt good. I felt that I was valuable and that Even if I was hurt and angry over their mothers behavior, and felt sadness over the fact that these girls won’t grow up with an intact family, that they have me, and that they feel secure and loved. They don’t feel the pain and sadness and I feel - they feel sheltered, safe and loved.
And because of this, I feel comforted. It’s odd, but when the day is over and I tuck them in, and they fall asleep gently with a look of contentment on their face, I feel like I gave them that, and it’s like I’m comforting myself. I feel stronger for it and I transcend.
Know that you are valuable. Know that you are loved by your children and needed by them. Know that you are their whole world and lean into that realization when some days hurt more than others.
There is nothing like a dads love, strength and comfort. Know that the love you give your children is being poured back into you many times over for being this for them, and take comfort in the knowledge of how valued you are. You are dad. A dad’s love is like a fortress, that protects against any force of nature, with a warm, cozy fire inside and the joy of acceptance, empathy and companionship waiting for those who sit around the fire.
I found a song recently. I’d encourage any single dad to listen to it.
Keep your head up - Ben Howard
this is so sad you will still spend time with her every week end
Well, the alternative was to teach her that staying in a bad relationship instead of taking care of yourself is acceptable. I don't know your situation, but if it was anything like mine, there were no good choices. If, like me, you took the way out that was best for you and your daughter even though it disrupted everything you've made the right choice.
You're doing fine Dad, stay on course, work out, find a hobby that you're passionate about, and most important, let go of the shit you're not capable of changing.
Invest in meaningful ways to engage your daughter and don't let yourself fall into the trap of comparing yourself to the other team.
PM me if you want to yell at someone therapeutically.
It sucks dude. Feels bad, and that makes sense. Be present, learn from your albeit shitty experience, and figure out what YOU can control and then do what you can to make it better.
Like a lot of others have said, focus on being and awesome dad and a lot of other stuff will fall into place. Stick with it man, you got this
My ex started seeing someone about 2 months after we split up, to be fair - she did that with the last 5 boyfriends. To be unfair, the next guy was one of my best pals. He swooped right in once he seen an opportunity to bang her - naturally.
Luckily - my daughter is with me most of the time. I got lucky. Unluckily - she go's there a couple days a week still and I hate it.
It could be worse.
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I hear you. My ex recently started seeing somebody and they're talking about moving in. There's a distinct possibility that at some point her guy will see more of my boys than I do.
I've been trying to see it as a positive. He seems like a good enough guy. He'll be another stable adult in their lives, and (hopefully) the boys will get to see their mom and I work through another issue like adults, setting a good example for them.
I've remarried since the divorce, and I wish I could say my ex has taken it gracefully, but she hasn't. I'm also trying to see this as another opportunity to be the bigger man.
I'm successful in this about half the time, but it's getting a little easier as time goes on.
Just stay focused on being the best version of yourself possible. That's what is best for your daughter.
That's the best answer, I think. Some relationships are just toxic and won't work out. My daughter hasn't seen her mom in almost 3 years and it's by her own choice, not mine. I have the same feelings alot, like I've failed her or something. The best you can do is just be there for her. I wish you the best of luck. Do you have joint custody or just weekend time with her?