I'm starting to think that my "best friend" of almost 20 years isn't really my friend

You didn't do anything wrong baby. Sometimes people just drift apart, but because of the history they have, they just can't seem to let go completely.

Celebrate the path that you walked together in live. Mourn the fact that you both toke a different fork in the road at one point. But cut the cord at let her go. If it's meant to be the your roads we can live will cross again. But until then let her go.

Choose happiness and gather people around you who are there for you.

There is a chance she is taking you for granted because she knows you will still be her friend. By putting up with it in the past, she knows you will continue to. She may want to flake on other people, but it's to worried about the ramifications. That doesn't make it right. Follow your gut. If she's making you feel bad regularly, that isn't a healthy friendship. You need to start pulling away and finding other friends who care about your time and feelings. Next few times she tries to set something up I'd respond with a "sorry, that won't work for me."

Hey sib! You know... I had to let a 20-year friendship fizzle out. I appreciate the years we had, but her path became destructive. Years later we’re planning a dinner together to talk about where our lives have ended up. Sometimes friendships don’t END. They take a break so that the individuals can grow independently. It doesn’t mean it’s the end forever! On a different note... sometimes being flaky is a sign that shes having a hard time. You say she doesn’t behave this way with others- but I bet she does. When friends constantly flake on me. I take it personally and I don’t necessarily tell other people that truth. “Oh yeah! We hang out all the time!” Even looking at my social media would make someone think so. It’s worth reaching out and asking if everything is alright. “Hey! Just want to check in on you- we’ve made quite a lot of plans lately that you’ve had to change, or even cancel altogether. I hope you know how sad it makes me when that happens!” Open the door for conversation. Be a listener. But be assertive. You deserve a friend who gives you time. All relationships take effort and communication. If she’s not willing, then you can reassess if you feel like there actually is a relationship at all. Good luck!

Nothing wrong you did. This is all her taking you for granted. Time for you to say those words to her at her next contact.

I just wanted to let you know that this is happening to me as well currently with my oldest and dearest friend. Just broke down crying reading this. I hope you have other friends you can lean on. Try to focus on good things and stay busy with activities.

Same problem I was in, trust me it won't get better. I know it will be very difficult to see her go but letting her go will set you free. Stay strong dear!

You coming to that realization on your own is half the battle, my dear.

In my younger years, I spent far too much time and energy on "friends" who didn't reciprocate. Letting those friendships go was hard, but it opened up my time for those who were willing to make matching effort.

Now, I have friends who are equal partners, and I feel much more valued in those relationships. There's a much higher level of trust between us than I ever experienced with my "old friends."

My most sincere hope for you is that you'll find people who value you, your time, and your feelings. They are out there ... I promise.

xoxo, Mom

it's not you, it's her. and sorry, but she's not your friend. don't let someone treat you like this - especially not when she treats others better. you deserve a real friend.

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I have been there and I know it hurts. It can be really confusing when you have known someone for so long.

Is there any chance your friend might be suffering from poor mental health? I behave a little like that sometimes when my mental health is poor, and often the closest people to me have felt like the least important, as they saw the real 'I can't do this' me and not the 'everything is great' performance that is usually expected of me.

I have also been in your position in friendships like this, some where my friend was struggling with something and they couldn't tell me, and some where the friend was not brave enough to just admit the friendship had run its course.

If you have no reason to believe that your friend is struggling in some way, try asking her if there is anything she would like to talk about and offer support. If she insists that everything is fine, try making yourself less available and observe her response. Text back slower. Reduce contact. Does she try harder? Does she show up on time now?

Regardless of what happens, I would suggest moving her way down your priority list for a while until you feel better. Put yourself at the top of that list. She might become more reliable, she might not. But either way, you gotta be your own best friend first.

Internet hugs!

She's walking all over you, and being unfair, and if this was a one time thing it would be something else. Is she your friend in other ways? Can you two pick up a conversation where you left off, do you talk to each other about things? Is there a reason you're friends with her or is it a friendship out of habit?

It can be hard being alone in a place you don't know, but don't hole yourself in. You are in a new place full of history, make some incredible memories so when you look back on your time you know that you made the best of your time there.

Heya there! I'm a casual lurker of this subreddit, but I'd like to throw in my two cents.

Before you let her go as a friend, maybe there is a way to save this friendship.

Something I've learned in any type of relationship is that if people don't communicate what's going on then no one will ever know what the other person is thinking.

Often times people don't mean to be rude and they really don't realize that they're being rude despite how obvious it may be to outsiders.

I've seen many friendships and relationships fall apart simply due to failing to communicate their feelings properly.

Now, I'm not saying I know your situation, but if you've known each other for 20 years, then maybe this friendship is worth fighting for before dropping it.

So my suggestion is to give her a call to talk about how her flakiness makes you feel. But at the same time do it gently, so as to not make her feel attacked thus resulting in things going bad.

Something like this:

"Hey friend. You are my good friend and you mean a lot to me. I feel sad these days because it seems when we are planning to meet up, things don't seem to work out. I feel frustrated when it happens because I am often very excited to see you, and when things get called off, most of my day has been wasted away. If possible maybe you can help me figure out some way in which we can be sure out meet ups work out?"

Alright, that's a bit awkward, but basically you want to let her know that:

• this flakiness is hurting you
• she's wasting your time
• you value your friendship with her
• you want to work together to be able to meet up without wasting time again

And the method you want to use to avoid rocking the boat too much is:

• Hone in on your own feelings and emotions
• Don't blame the other person (even if it is her fault, pointing fingers is a sure way to set any relationship on fire.)
• Ask her for help to see if you can both figure something out thus empowering her to take responsibility

This is just my two cents though. I hope things work out for you and your friend.

Here is what you did wrong. You though that other people's actions are a reflection of your worthiness. It's not. What other people do has nothing to do with you. You're fine. She is rude. With that being said, you can still be friends with her if you want to. Or not if you don't! It's up to you.

You coming to that realization on your own is half the battle, my dear.

In my younger years, I spent far too much time and energy on "friends" who didn't reciprocate. Letting those friendships go was hard, but it opened up my time for those who were willing to make matching effort. My friends now

You know when it's time to step out of ANY long-term relationship?

When you become an option, instead of a priority.

Thank the Universe you crossed paths....and then carry on your merry way....making room for the right person in life, to be your ride-or-die. xo

You haven't had a single fight in 20 years because you're not being honest with her. You're letting her take you for granted. Sometimes it's important to pick your battles. With people like your friend, rather than argue about how flaky they are, I tend just not to schedule anything with them in advance. If they ask why, I might say, "you seem to cancel on me at the last minute so I'm not willing to book time for you anymore. However, if we both happen to be available and wanna hang out at the last minute, I'd love to see you when it works out."

You can tell her how disappointed you are. "I was really looking forward to seeing you, and it would have been nice to make other plans if you weren't available today."

And then just stop making advance plans with her. Invite her to group things if it's easy, but don't ever count on her to be the one person you go do something with. She's proven herself unreliable.

I'm sorry your friend is taking you for granted. It's up to you if you want to start speaking up for yourself or not. But with new people, i hope you'll set boundaries and limits early on so you don't get into this kind of pattern again. If she knows you're just going to forgive her and suck it up every time she cancels on you, then she has no motivation to stick to her plans. She might not even be intentionally taking you for granted. It's possible she thinks you don't really care that much. If you cared, you surely would say something about it, right?

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I went through this with someone who at one time was my best friend. We'd make plans to hang out only for her to bail without notice. If she did call or text it was usually because she wanted something from me, either a ride somewhere or to borrow my laptop or camera that I would later have to clear because she'd filled my sd card or downloaded a ton of music I didn't listen to. Her number was always changing so I had no way to get a hold of her. Finally I accepted that we'd grown apart and that I was investing more time and energy than she was in a friendship that wasn't worth it.

These things happen and sometimes the best thing to do is just let it end. That doesn't necessarily mean completely cutting ties though, but maybe just putting a little distance.

It’s hard when relationships change, and especially friendships that just drift apart. Sometimes what we’re mourning is the person we were back then when we were friends. It’s difficult to let friends go, but you learn (I’m in my 40s) that the most fulfilling relationships are ones where you feel supported and validated and known — and where you can offer that back. We don’t always grow the same ways or speed as our friends. It’s okay. It’s okay to let them go. It’s okay to take only what they can offer.

I’ve had friends like this. She knows you’ll forgive her, which is why she keeps doing it to you and no one else. I had to cut off this friend and say ‘until you show me that my time and my friendship is as valuable to you as yours is to me, don’t bother reaching out’.

If your friendship is important to them, they’ll make it known. That friend I mentioned messaged every day until I agreed to go out with her again, and has been cautious and careful to be on time and not selfish since then.

However, I had another friend I did this to, and we haven’t spoken in a year and a half. If they value you, they will make time and make the effort. It has nothing to do with you. Don’t you ever feel like it does.

Does she have anxiety? Because that could be a valid reason which has nothing to do with you. Some would say I am flaky and cancel a lot, but it is mostly because my anxiety peaks and I can’t deal with humans, even ones I love. Just keep that in mind? Much love to you from Aunty A.