Source
r/Divorce•
fps81

I just want this to be over

I (37M) just got out of a meeting with my lawyer where we talked about my options. My wife (37F) and I have been married 11.5 years and have 3 kids (3,8,10.) When we first got together, we had similar jobs, she was better paid, and she had the better education. But she wanted kids, so she focused on keeping a job that she loved, that had good subsidized childcare, despite the fact that it paid half the industry average (we both work as Software Developers.)

Shortly after we were married, she started an affair with one of my groomsmen. That lasted for 5 years, and I knew it was going on, but she lied about it until the very end. We went to counseling at my request, but she kept telling me I was crazy and the councilor told her to cool it with the other guy, but couldn't call her out on something she wouldn't admit. By the time she admitted the affair, we had 2 kids (2 and 4 at the time.) We split up for a few months, but decided to make another go of it for the kids and our family.

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5 years ago she picked out a giant house ($.8M) in a nice neighborhood and we moved in and she got pregnant with our third. Then she lost her job because she had stagnated in her career. By this time, my salary was 3x hers and I could support us, so at her request she stayed home with the newborn and our two older boys and I doubled down on work.

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A year ago, she started in with another guy she met at a gaming convention and asked for an open marriage. I hated the idea, but I knew if we divorced I'd be screwed, so we tried that for 4 months. The first guy didn't last, but her next boyfriend insisted she get a divorce. So she started looking for a job and we put the youngest in school, and I started the divorce process. She got a job, but it pays half what I make (because she was out of work for 3 years.) I've been working from home 2 1/2 days a week, and we set up (at my request) a 5/5/2/2 plan. I still make all the meals, do stuff with the kids in the evening and on weekends. Basically I'm about as involved as a parent can be while working full time. Meanwhile she works late most days and spends evenings playing WoW with her boyfriend.

All the time we were married, I didn't have any affairs. I made every meal, planned every family vacation, didn't travel for business, never spent evenings out with friends. I came home from work, took care of the kids, spent time with my family.

So, you'd think I'd have a strong case for being able to move on in peace. However, because of the income differential and Massachusetts's backwards laws, the assumption is that in all cases, one parent (almost always the mother) gets primary custody and one parent (almost always the father) pays full child support as if they weren't present in the kids lives. So, I'm looking at paying between 1/3 (best case) and 1/2 (most likely case) of my income to her for the next 20 years. Because Massachusetts's assumptions, It all depends on how much she's willing to let me have with the kids and how nice she's feeling.

I feel so absolutely trapped by this system. I feel like I'm being punished for the assumptions of society. I'm pissed off that she cheats, she decides she's done with me, and she ends up with a higher income and all the assets while I end up living on $48K/year and never seeing my kids. And until we have a signed agreement in place, I wake up every day, try to be present and functional at work, try to be a good father for my kids, and try to be supportive of her, because I know that if I make her upset she has the legal right to punish me. I'm trying my best at work, but my productivity has fallen off because of this stress and I know that if I lose my job I'm still liable for that child support (MA calculates child support based on historical income) and if I can't cover it, they'll put me in jail.

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Posted Feb 26, 2019, 5:49 PM UTC

420
sydneyunderfoot•

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but have you gotten DNA tests on all three kids? It really sounds like you should...

3
fps81OP•

Honestly, no point. I've been their father for their whole lives, the other guy is no longer on speaking terms with my wife. Paternity doesn't make a difference for child support this far down the line. I asked if I should when my wife admitted the affair, and after she stopped hitting me she told me that if it was going to affect how I treated the kids at all, I shouldn't, because I'm their father no matter what. I love these kids, and although it would really upset me to learn that some of them weren't mine, I don't want to feel differently about them.

1
ThrowAwayforMA95•

Jesus Christ. I applaud you for your ability to get out of bed and carry on. I hope somebody has some answers.

2
TroubleintheSW•

I'm in a similar boat as you. Thankfully both me and my STBXW make almost the same amount of money, so alimony went be an issue, but laws in my state are just as outdated and sexist as yours.

If my wife is nice, I can expect 50-50 physical custody. If she decides she wants to hurt me, even if it hurts the kids too, she would likely get custodial custody of them until my youngest is 5, which is 2 years away

This is despite the fact that we virtually share 50-50 child rearing duties now, and for 2+ years I was a stay-at-home parent.

Fucking bullshit outdated and unfair laws.

2
fps81OP•

Everywhere I read "fathers don't get custody, mothers lose it." Basically, the law is that the mother is the primary parent unless the mother is really, really unfit. Being a good parent doesn't give you a right to be in your child's life.

I also see all these people out there praising single parents as heroes, and I think, I wonder how many of those people are in that situation despite having a co-parent who would do anything to be present, but can't because the single parent has decided that hurting their ex is worth it.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
throwaway29015•

Everywhere I read "fathers don't get custody, mothers lose it." Basically, the law is that the mother is the primary parent unless the mother is really, really unfit.

Honest question: are you getting this information from your lawyer, or are you getting it from general online father's support groups?

I don't live in MA and I don't know how their legal system works, but I know there's a lot of people with vested interests in making it look either too easy or too difficult for fathers depending on their politics.

As the higher earner, you are going to be paying child support even if you have a 50/50 time split. That much seems pretty clear. However, in my searches for MA rulings I don't see this thing that "one parent gets absolutely everything and the other gets nothing" coming up. On my brief research, it looks like the odds of 50/50 are definitely *worse* in MA than in some states, but your "in all cases" is not accurate.

Document how much you've been involved in your children's lives. You made meals! Document that! Document everything you've been doing on the temporary time-splitting! Argue that it should continue!

As far as I can tell, parents CAN achieve a joint physical custody situation in MA if they push hard enough for it. Unfortunately, it's not presumed the default outcome, so it's not going to be easy. But don't give up.

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1
fps81OP•

My lawyer and actually reading the MA child support guidelines.

My lawyer has said that 50/50, which is what I want, isn't a common ruling, and is not a likely outcome if my STBX doesn't agree. Reading the child support guidelines, they do say that one parent is the primary and has most parenting time, and the other parent is the secondary and has visitation, typically every other weekend and 2 weekdays every 2 weeks. Under this scenario, the secondary parent pays the full amount of child support, which works out to be about 50% of my income.

It just so happens that the primary parent is almost always the mother, even though fathers are just as likely to fight for custody.

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1
bing113917•

PM me man, I'm in Mass with similar situations (developer, working full time with a stay at home stbxw, and she met the guy on wow too). We went to mediation early this month and I found out child support is less than I expected.

I understand the whole thing sucks and I'm truly sorry that you are in this boat too. Hang in there man.

2
newdudenewID•

I'm right there with you. I worked, supported the family, cooked, cleaned, etc. Relationship ended because STBX wouldn't carry their weight. So now I have to memorialize that by moving out and supporting STBX. Shit is fucked.

1
ReformedRedditLurker•

Any chance you can move to NH before getting divorced?

1
fps81OP•

Unlikely. We own a home, the kids are established in a school district, and we've already filed divorce paperwork. Technically I can't take the kids on a day trip out of state without her permission, as per the restraining order that went along with the divorce filing.

1
ReformedRedditLurker•

Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that, especially because I didn't realize how little a burden of proof is required to file a restraining order.

1
fps81OP•

The restraining order is a standard practice, but it actually doesn't cover moving the kids out of state:

https://www.mass.gov/supplemental-rules-of-the-probate-and-family-court/supplemental-probate-and-family-court-rule-411

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Some other rule governs a divorce/custody proceeding involving minor children, which says that once the proceeding has been filed, neither parent can move out of state with the kids. I can't find reference to it, but my lawyer has told me that if I want to take the kids anywhere out of state, I need to get her to sign some paperwork.

1
ReformedRedditLurker•

And I bet that even if you could counter with your own order, you probably wouldn't. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer you other than support, and thanks for enlightening my future path. Good luck!

1
russpav•

I’ve heard Massachusetts Divorce law is stuck in the dark ages. I’m sorry for your loss. I wish I had something more to offer, but I can offer you is my empathy.

I would say that it sounds like you could use some help setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.

1
1DrafterChick•

I absolutely hate that the system works this way. Why do they assume that every mother is a good mother. Every father is lacking. It sounds to me that you are a fantastic father. The best advice I can give is stay focused on your children. They are what really matters. Big hugs

1
fps81OP•

Thanks. It's frustrating, but I'm just going to keep doing my best.

2
1DrafterChick•

That's all any of us can do. We didn't have any kids thank God but my divorce was a nightmare. I'm heading to the courthouse this morning to get my name taken off the house. Yep, I gave up everything we built together to walk away with my retirement, my debt and a car. Freedom and a chance at being happy again has a steep price.

1