Source
r/TransParents•
I_Am_Hazel

This subreddit gives me such a weird feeling...

I'm not a parent but I am a trans person who has parents.

I'm 23 years old. I come from a large Catholic family (nine kids); I am the third oldest. My family is very well-off, and my dad just finished paying for my education as I have graduated. My parents and I are not on speaking terms. They say they love and support me, but only use my name and pronouns in front of me – and that was a battle itself. They will not hesitate to tell me that I am disordered and misguided. They said that they don't care what "a few doctors" told me. This coming from my mom (who I love very much) who doesn't vaccinate her kids because of mom-bloggers.

I already was misguided though. I was the rainbow sheep of the family. I came out to them as an atheist when I was eighteen. I fell in love with theatre, and went to a public university a few hours away instead of staying local, as my two older siblings did. They are two and four years older than me. The oldest is married with a daughter, and the second is married with one due in a few weeks. I've been in several relationships, for short periods of time.

My parents are good people. I had a very good childhood. They truly love their children and have made many sacrifices for us. My stay-at-home mother is flying for the first time in twenty-odd years as my parents finally go on a vacation together. She's been raising kids for 25 years now, and the youngest is only seven or so. My dad works five days a week from 8-6 to provide for everyone. We were able to afford family vacations, occasionally even to Disney World.

But they make me feel bad for being different and for being myself. I feel absolutely alone because I didn't follow the traditional path that my parents would've loved for all their children to take. Everything is easy with the other kids. Not me, though – I am in their prayers every day. I feel like an outsider to the warmth and support of the family.

Every day is spent trying to understand how people who seem so nice can simultaneously be so unintentionally cruel without ever being bothered by that, or even being aware of it. When I read posts from you all here, it's like the world makes sense again. People are empathetic and caring and trying, and still everyone asks if they can be doing more, or they feel bad because they're not doing enough.

You are. Just by trying, you are wonderful parents and people. Don't let your anxiety tell you otherwise. Relationships are complicated. Your kids are going through a lot. You're going through a lot. Rest easy. You're a good person. Thanks for reading my story, and thanks for being human!

Posted Mar 5, 2019, 6:29 PM UTC

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phoenix_at_45•

Being trans is hard. I have parents who accept me, but a stbx wife and kids who treat me like I'm not even a person. The sad thing is that I have always been the same person to everyone. I was pretty certain that my parents were going to disown me when I came out to them, but that's not how it turned out. I didn't expect the hatred from my own family though. Nothing I ever did was worthy of hating me or telling me that I'm not even a person. Sadly, others don't see it that way. There isn't any good reason why we get treated this way. I am sorry your parents treat you like they do.

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sgarfio•

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry your family is so problematic. It hurts when people who love you so much also can't accept such a fundamental aspect of who you are. I hope that someday they can come to love and accept all of you, not just the parts that conform to their expectations.

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Also thank you for your reassurance. I read enough of the other trans subs to know I'm doing pretty well, but as with so many things about being a parent, it's much easier to see where we fall short than what we are doing right. :)

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I_Am_HazelOP•

It's a shame because I think I'm a pretty neat person, and I try to be as nice as I can, and I think they'd like me if they got to know me. But they also have to respect me like everyone else in my life manages to do.

You're welcome! I can't imagine the anxiety that must come with being a parent. Hang in there <3

5
tmgarvey•

Hi, I'm a mom whose daughter just came out to me a few days ago. She's in a supportive personal relationship and her brother knows and supports. Her dad (who is going through a health issue right now and also will be the bigger worrier) has not yet been told (we live in diff parts of country so may have that conversation when I'm out there at Christmas to serve as a buffer).

I'm fortunate to know a few openly trans people (not well--mostly online friends) and my job has required me to be somewhat knowledgeable about gender-specific issues. I also tend to be the calmer, more even-keeled parent, so she felt safer coming out to me first--she said she knew I'd be her biggest advocate. Which made me feel like I've done SOME things right as a parent, lol. I'm pretty sure her dad will be OK, he's just going to have a harder time processing it.

All that said, though, it's an odd feeling when your child presents you with news like this. For me, there's a bit of a sense of disorientation, and feelings of loss, even though I know she is the same person she was before. OTOH, I've often wished I had a daughter. And now I do--maybe not coming about as I'd ever envisioned, but still.

But for me, the most important thing is that she is a happier and more whole person. She's had some very rough spots in her life and struggled with depression and anxiety for much of it. I'm sorry it's taken so long for her to identify what was really wrong (33 now but says didn't feel like a boy since age 4), but it was a different world then and I can't imagine it's an easy thing for someone to accept and process about themself. She's working with a good therapist (whom she'd stopped seeing due to insurance issue, but I will help pay the cost--want her to come though this with the right kind of support).

I'm sorry your parents aren't able to give you the kind of parental acceptance and support you need and deserve. YOU sound very kind and understanding--I hope they are eventually able to step up and embrace you for who you are. There are many children who have to eventually distance themselves from their parents--if it's not issues of gender or sexuality, it's something else. Build your own family of people who DO love and support you. It's fine to hope your parents come around eventually, but some never do. It's not because of you, it's because of their own shortcomings and personal limitations.

Please accept a virtual hug from me and I wish you the best.

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Anonymous0212•

I’m so sorry your parents aren’t more supportive.

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TheAdjunctTavore•

My brother is dealing with the exact thing from my parents. He came out about 3 weeks ago. The religion, the why are you like this" etc. They are SUCH good people... it blows my mind. I actually hunted down this subreddit today to see if I could gain any insight to why they are acting like this. I thought it would cool down by now but they are just more frantic.

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