so I've been finding myself having trouble with dating apps like tinder and bumble, not in that I can't get matches and dates on them but a more existential issue with how I find myself presented through the apps.
I find I don't feel any connection to the person in my profile and am coming down with a weird sense of a comodified identity through it. Does anyone have any advice on how to maintain authenticity while dating online?
Posted Mar 17, 2019, 2:07 PM UTC
That’s what everyone is learning about OLD. It’s meant as an icebreaker but the illusion of unlimited choice means no one is satisfied.
Pro-tip: if you’re a guy, pay for it. The paid advantages are helpful when the numbers are against you.
When you say pay for it, do you mean stick to a website with a paywall or do you recommend paying on a free site like OKC?
Also, can you please give examples of how you noticed a difference? I'm usually on the fence about this for fear of just paying to talk to more bots.
I pay for Tinder gold. $150 a year, and my time value makes that a good price.
It allows me to:
"teleport". I currently split my time between two cities, but only want to date in one. So I can keep my Tinder location in my dating city even if I'm not there atm.
I can see who has already swiped on me. So instead of me swiping on 100 women profiles and hoping that one of them swipes on me later, I can see who has already swiped on me and then choose potential matches from that already interested bucket.
Ostensibly I guess that when I swipe on them I'll be higher in their stack, and so will know by lack of results quickly. But I find the more direct method to be more direct.
I still do some of my own swiping just to get my profile in front of women in first place too.
I guess. I still have only had one date from Tinder in 4 months, so maybe it's not worth it still.
I totally understand the time : money proposition. Even though your dates are few, what would you say about the quality?
well, it's the same people that would have matched with you otherwise. you just see them before you match with them. So that doesn't change.
Clearly there are people that would match with you that you wouldn't give a match back, so it gives you the power to (silently) reject them instead of the other way around.
I mean, it's $150 for a year. Also there's monthly plans.
One of the main reasons I deleted it honestly. It’s not worth it when people can do simply move on to the next person if they don’t find you attractive.
I wasn’t getting any matches either so I pulled the plug. Might come back to it later but we’ll see.
It’s not worth it when people can do simply move on to the next person if they don’t find you attractive.
I have bad news about IRL dating, my dude...
I know that lol. I’m just saying strictly from a physical attraction level. There’s definitely something to be said for the emotional component of irl dating over what you get on an app.
What helped me get over it was actually meeting a few people through it. The texting part always feels a bit awkward and unnatural, but once you meet actual people you realize you can just talk to them like normal people.
(If you ever get any matches, that is. Statistics on that are dismal - something like 80% of guys basically never get any matches).
oh I've no bother getting matches and covo's going, but they always feel so uninspired. it just makes me feel so rote. dates and hookups from it always feel to be lacking something human compared to meeting someone at a club. but its just the way people meet where i am at the moment.
I suppose its that the order is the wrong way round that I'm used to. instead of striking up a conversation with people and seeing if it goes anywhere later, we decide if we want it to go anywhere on tinder first and then try to start a interesting conversation.
and i think that knowledge that I'm presenting myself as a sexual, romantic interest first on the app rather than my full inherent self causes the disconnect.
Try using as much natural language as possible. And if it fits your personality, keep it casual in tone.
Think about books you've read in which characters feel alive and real - these are constructs that the writer has managed to breathe life into. Not to say you need to become a professional writer to make a good profile, but just remember it's possible.
The rest of it is just getting out of your own head. Understand it's like a resume - nobody is going to get to know the "real you" just by reading your profile. It's an introduction. Even if you meet someone in person, they won't know who you really are after you've just shaken hands and exchanged pleasantries, right?
Delete women from your match queue that are clearly benching you and don't reply within certain days. This is important. If men want to change the uphill dating game, we have to flip it on its head and refuse to participate in women's numbers game for their (perceived) lack of self-confidence and seeking of approval. If we dry out their queue of potential dates, maybe we will see more acts in our favor and get more content than one Hi message for every fifth candidate within a month.
that is not really the problem I mentioned and i think you might be projecting it on a bit. the problem I have is the disconnect from the person I present as on the app and my inherent self. I feel as though i have created a flat simulation of myself on the app. your response didn't even touch on how to feel authentic in oneself through apps.
like i said in the post my issue is not the content of conversations or lack of matches, but a alienation from my own sense of self
Authenticity comes with dialogues. Profiles are just presentations, they are just for the initial hook. Commercial vs the real product.
still it's framed as a commodity though, how many dates am i going to go through before I'm no longer presenting as a product but my actual human self.
Try going old school and ask to talk on the phone. The lack of premeditation helps me not to over think.