Never Alone in my Own Head in 46 Years

I got acquainted with pot in the crib, when my mother would blow it in my face to get me to sleep. I smoked and organized my life thusly until I was about 32, when my first wife was forced to leave me (over the infertility I ignored by smoking). We drank and smoked, but since she was my source, I drank more and more after she left since I'm the paranoid type, and got to drinking really heavily. With one horrid exception, I've been off booze since Xmas Eve '18.

I used CBD to help alcohol withdrawals and promptly hooked myself back on THC. Sliced open & disposed of 90 mg. of distillate last night in a stoned panic attack the likes of which I've never had before. But I'm right to be panicked, the chemical abuse of the last almost 3 years would probably have cost me my job if I wasn't remote.

I'm traveling to Tampa soon. It was the place my useless junkie of a mother drug me to after tearing me away from the rest of my family. I'm going to bury the aunt who enabled my mother to do that....I buried my mother over 20 years ago. I love this aunt and she meant me no harm, even though she participated in the near destruction of my life as it had hardly begun. I lived on the edge of the abyss, but for the most part didn't participate, preferring video games with friends.

I have muddled through life really successfully, all things considered. I managed a bachelor's degree in mathematics through a drunken haze.

The absolutely pathetic part is I really like myself. I'm fairly smart and bear little ill will towards anyone. I've come more or less to terms with the past and my limited but bright future. I've been involved in fitness for a couple years now, and am about 2% bodyfat from being pretty well ripped. I have no reason to tone myself down. Everything is good.

Addiction sucks.