I’m on day 16 and the urges have never been stronger. Sad, lonely, and angry

May or may not be NSFW or unsettling but they’re my feelings :

I’ve been going pretty confident these past weeks about doing 90 days but now the urge to masturbate to my bdsm fetish has been overwhelming. I used my fetish in particular to cope and aid being lonely and not being able to truly connect with others not to mention always being told to shut the fuck up/ my voice is weird etc. more baggage there .

so that definitely aided into my fetish. I emotionally depended on it to make me feel better about myself and more in sync with the particular woman in the act. But last month I told myself I was done with PMO because well it’s PMO and the same reasons people everywhere on NoFap can relate to. I want to explore this sexuality and just overall just sex and emotional connection with another woman.

Now I just feel horny, angry, frustrated and incredibly fucking lonely. I’ve BEEN slowly getting out of my crippled social anxiety paradigm and have been slowly talking to more people in general. But I can’t take it sometimes and just want a moment of weakness. I depended on this shit like it was a pillar and now I have to give it up just so I have a chance with other people and my goals. Such a reality is so foreign to me because I’ve failed so many times that i don’t know if I can really accept that’s what’s in store for me. It seems as if I am doing this all for just a MAYBE.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m dead set on that goal and have become much more comfortable and confident with what I consider to be my self identity and all the good and ugly stuff that comes with it. The more I love myself the more I want to connect with everyone but I still get the urges to depend on my fetish material that made me feel so happy. I just want to feel love from someone else bdsm or not. at this point having so much love and desire for people and not being able to express it is so frustrating to say the very least.