depressed or just moody?

i’ve struggled with this lingering feeling for a while now. have generally dealt with some anxiety since 2017. and for a few years i’ve battled with anorexia though i’ve kept it hidden from everyone, yoyoing from a low end healthy bmi to underweight. at my disorders peak in feb/march i’d consistently go without eating for 5 days at a time. right now i’m forcing myself to recover and i’m almost a month in, but my emotions have been all over the place. i’d say i majorly started feeling as though i crossed the line from just being sad to depressed in maybe november. i relapsed in my eating disorder and everything started feeling cloudy. whenever i got drunk i’d sob about how much i hated my life and twice i tried to jump from my 17th floor window, but everyone was reacted like it was just drunk person behavior. usually i was ok until i lost my distractions, then i’d start spiraling. that seems to be a repeating theme. from mid december-late january i had to be at my parents home for winter break, and i couldn’t restrict my food. i hit a low i told myself i’d never reach. i was self harming and contemplating my death every night because i didn’t have something to make me feel in control. when i got back to school it got sort of better, mainly because i focused any energy i had into my anorexia. though even while i was restricting heavily i found myself feeling low. wondering if i could hang myself from the railings in my stairwell. thinking about whether or not i’d be paralyzed jumping from my window or if i’d be better off jumping in front of a moving train a subway station. i live in nyc, and its wild how easy it is to feel so alone in a city with so many people. as of now i’m more often than not always on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. i’ll wake up in the morning and my first thought will be “i wish i was dead”. and even if this all sounds like i’m depressed i feel so fake. because i’m constantly going back and forth between feeling like i want to die to feeling ok. its like a light switch almost with no explanation. and i always end up feeling sad again later on in the day but this process just repeats over and over as if i’m on a rollercoaster. i have to wonder if i’m just doing it to myself.