my heart hurts

this was confusing for me. it read more like a rap or slam poetry rather than a written poem. the use of repetition "bitch my heart hurts," may have been good if spoken aloud but in reading it felt awkward. same thing with the use of ey, or fuckin. again, sounds like a rap more than written poetry. it could be re-worked into something great, but in this format it seems odd.

I will second the comment made by meme_investor_69. My immediate instinct was that these were song lyrics and that they would have been better performed. This is something I struggle with a lot myself. I am definitely more of a performance poet as well and I know my stuff doesn't read as well as it's heard. Perhaps include a video or audio recording of you performing it next time?

I also don't think there's anything wrong with swearing or being edgy...but don't just do it for the sake of swearing or being edgy. That sort of stuff is more impactful when used for emphasis imo.

I can’t find anything salvable in this to be honest. It’s just a repetition of very simplistic verses. There’s nothing evocative, or provoking. Sorry. I can see you wanted to express yourself about heartbreak, but try to be more personal, and vivid next time.