Source
r/OCPoetry•
kindamaybefunny

I thought of you

Feedback Received!

I thought of you tonight, though it's something I wont say

Cause if I spoke them into truth, you wouldnt listen anyway.

Watching myself fade into a figment of your past

I guess I really thought you'd be the one that would last

But now we're fading away

You're starting to replace

The corners that I existed in,

The pictures of my face.

But if you removed the dust

You brushed it all away,

Then maybe I could tell you:

I still thought of you today

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/biwq4i/pointless/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/birzqx/fetish/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Apr 30, 2019, 1:54 AM UTC · edited

810
Blue0rchids•

Beautifully captures the feelings of being disowned and uncared for by someone you had strong feelings for. You feel fooled and duped, and angry that you could be so optimistic about things working out with them. (Speaking for myself mostly)

My favorite line is "You're starting to replace the corners that I existed in," - because it can symbolize something as small as a bedroom or as big as someone's entire worldview and perception. It captures the idea of being excavated from someone's deeply personal space, and the grief and loss that that represents. I really loved reading this, and resonated with it so much.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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kindamaybefunnyOP•

Corrected

1
dogtim•

Thanks, it's back up

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Br_Martin1•

Beautiful and simple poem with a powerfully deep meaning. We don’t always get closure when relationships end. Looking back, I rarely ever did. But I’m grateful for the good times I remember because they have made me who I am and remind me of who I want to be.

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N3oko•

If you changed the last today to tonight it would be a great bookend. Having it end in a rhyme makes it a little to wholesome and takes away from the edge that the poem is expressing.

A jarring intrusion in the rhyming scheme could be metaphorical to how the sudden thought of the 'you' displaced the narrators life. It also reminds that the thought started at night and ended at night. The time when we all contemplate the past.

Unless you wanted to show that the thought had become so intrusive that the narrator had now begun thinking of the 'you' during the day.

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kindamaybefunnyOP•

When I wrote this, I hear it as the first verse and the chorus of a song. I probably will add to it, but for right now this is what I'm at. If I did another verse or two, then I would probably change it out in one of them. Thanks for the recommendation though!!

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N3oko•

Glad to hear there will be more.

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scarz0w•

This one really hits close to home. That's to me the strongest point for this poem i would say, especially since it's not only very relatable to some but also a strong lingering pain of which i'm actually happy to hear i'm not the only one feeling it, that kinda made me bond with the poem a bit. It kinda lost me though in the middle of the poem (starting from line 6) . I think that's because I don't fully see the picture before me and/or don't really get the symbolism/meaning of it.

Anyway, the final line really gave a good ring to the ending in my opinion, I like that type of endings more in general since they wrap it up in a suitable way (according to title and theme that is)

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kindamaybefunnyOP•

What I was trying to get at with that imagery is how sometimes, after we're moved on, we find an old picture or something that reminds us of them. If she did that, and reached out to me (dusted off the picture), then maybe I could tell her that I was thinking about her

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scarz0w•

oooh, that makes alot of sense, thanks for clarifying! :)
and again, that makes it even more relatable, I've had the exact same though process with that hence I put all my dusted pictures in a now dust collecting box ;)
Good job on your poem man!

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