Source
r/OCPoetry•
gfm3dx

Prayer

Feedback Received!

Prayer

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I weighed the allurement of a girl

To the beauty of a bonny tree

One I revere like a gleaming pearl

The other one I swiftly flee

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What use have I for passions sweet

Why long silently for love and kisses

One is burdened with a blind deceit

The other deaf to what it misses

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Unman me, God, for all I care;

Let fervid craving and desire fade

From my heart, and from my stare

Let dreams and female beauty be unmade.

​

Reviews

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/birzqx/fetish/em53cx2?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bij9rr/a_living_nightmare/em56o73?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Posted May 6, 2019, 4:12 PM UTC

89
sofanmax•

You wrote another great poem yet again! I like your previous poem and just like the previous one, it is definitely not amateurish. The way you arrange the words in each lines and your choice of words. I suppose the story is related to the previous one, it's brilliant poem overall but the first stanza is definitely my favorite part.

3
gfm3dxOP•

Thank you. As long as some people can connect and like the read, I am happy to share. Thank you so much for reading!

1
generationnotzzz•

First stanza is sexy. the low rolling sounds of allurement and revere tie it together sharply. i think the tree flee rhyme is a bit... u know. the rhyme between sweet and deceit is powerful, says a lot on the narrators view of romance. I reckon you could change the order of the second stanza for more effect, so 1st line, 3rd, 2nd 4th. Unman me is an odd command to give god, as if you feel you dont have control? Its sounds like the narrators is rashly asking for something they might miss at the end. regards x

2
Oxford_Press•

I don't really know much about poems. I just like rhythm and sometimes ideas fit together nicely. You, on the other hand, quite clearly understand this form. Your vocabulary is creative, your imagery is beautiful. It's quite a tragic piece, and one I'm probably going to find myself thinking about at inconvenient times.

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Thanks for sharing it.

2
gfm3dxOP•

Glad that you liked the read. Hope you never have to think about it, though. Thank you!

2
Not_a_Thumb•

This is amazing. I was able to follow the general idea of your poem without everything being forced or obvious. The was you were consistent with your phrasing and rhythm was very good as well. The first line of the last stanza has so much emotion running through it, that I got chills running down my back as I read it. Great work!

2
gfm3dxOP•

Thank you for taking the time to read, glad that you like it!

2
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
cleverworlds•

I have been plowing through a number of poems. I am new to commenting. I stopped at yours. I sense two words that don't fit in terms of the cadence. "allurement" and "unman". They signal you are not trusting yourself. They reach as though you are pulling up the reins of a happy or joyous horse. I think maybe Prayer as a title is misleading. You don't seem to be asking for help at all. I would hazard that you are taunting God here. You are talented but occasionally a bit lazy and reliant on words that are beneath you.

1