(M20) my girlfriend (F21) just lied to me twice about smoking when we both swore it off, but this isnt the first time this has happened
(Mobile + this is still extremely raw sorry my formatting is shit) My girlfriend and I have been dating for over two years and I have been almost 100% certain she is the person I would want next to me for the rest of my life. Tonight she texted me basically hinting she was drinking or smoking, both of which we swore off when we started our relationship because of past family and shared friend things that have happened. Both of us suffered from (major) depression and we helped to push eachother to get help. She is in college and i am not, we have no way to get together regularly without spending >$100 on travel.
She hangs out with friends who drink and smoke regularly, and while I dont like them I try to just let it go because we both have hard times making friends and I dont want to control her life. In the past she has gone to a party with those friends wearing things I asked her not to wear ((basically see-through) which ended up giving me a panic attack at the time) she has also brought me to parties where there was drinking but neither of us drank, and "tried" wine with the same friends (idk if i even believe she stopped anymore, she said she didnt like it).
Tonight (over text) i asked her twice if she was drinking or smoking and twice she (indirectly) said no and told me to trust her. Then she texted me telling me she smoked (weed i believe) and said it didnt even do anything and she wont do it again. She said she did it because she wanted to feel happy, which she has mentioned slightly and ive tried to help but its as if she doesnt want me to help.
I am lost. The next logical step in my mind is her cheating. How am I supposed to deal with this. Do I leave her? Is this salvageable? How can I trust her. Are we over? Am i supposed to recover from leaving my best friend?
Please help I can give more info if needed. Ill be here for at least another 4 hours. Idk if im sleeping tonight.
edit? We are still talking and she says she regrets it. She is being very self-deprecating and basically repeating the points i made in this post. She says it was a spur of the moment thing and it sounds like her friends pressured her into it. None of that really changes anything, just more info.
Posted May 7, 2019, 6:21 AM UTC · edited
So she's consistently ignoring agreements you both made and ignoring your pleas to not wear a translucent clothes out to bars?
She has worn those clothes to a party once (afaik) but she has broken the agreements we made on drugs and alcohol
She's in a tough position, nursing school forms bonds that are unlike any other and perhaps there is a guy that wants to use that to get to her, and perhaps she is having a "live fast die young" mindset. Either way, refusing to humor you about a shirt and breaking agreements you make are major red flags and its up to you if you can sleep at night knowing. If you want to, you can issue an ultimatum next time you are together or skyping or some such
Thank you for talking reasonably. I dont know about ultimatums, i feel as though those are just delaying ending bad relationships. I really appreciate your advice.
Their only use is to force someone to look at the relationship and decide to fix their behavior or you find out that they're going to just give up, and can I ask why the drinking is so bad?
Tough situation. Whose idea was it to "not drink and smoke"? If it was yours, obviously she is at college and there is a ton of temptation. I'd just try to get an honest answer from her if she wants to do those things or not. Then you'll have a decision to make whether you can live with her answer or not.
It was both of our ideas. We had both sworn them off before we met, we just made them verbal upon meeting. It doesnt even matter to me that much that shes done them, it matters that she has never talked to me about it before doing it. Every time it has been telling me after the fact, or lying to me this time.
If she mentioned she wanted to try smoking, i wouldve tried to talk her out of it, but i wouldnt be questioning whether the relationship was worth it.
You may not want to hear this but it doesn't bode well that she's trying to hide/lie about it. College will change her, there is no doubt about that. If it is something that you don't want in a relationship then either you can change your opinion on smoking and drinking and accept it or move on and find someone who truthfully doesn't want to do those things.