Mine

The tight rhythm works very well I think. I actually really like how this poem plays out, it's very high class.

I personally didn't really like the key metaphor, it seems sort of clichè, like you're just borrowing from common poem stereotypes.

The poems message is very relatable but I'm not sure if you dived in enough to make it fresh and new. Its just kind of an explanation of the emotion and nothing deeper than that. I think you could take more risks and dive in further. This is make it less about just "relating" and more about the answers you found while exploring the topic.

I like this, its simple (good if u ask me), rhymes well. The flow isnt great because of the short lines, a bit juttery. I like the narrators wondering doubt about their partners feeling, think thats a very important theme in love. the 'pounding too' brings that section to a nice close, reminds me of a wanting noise like 'where are you?', i think maybe you could seperate it from the bit after by removing the rhyme with you. nice poem, bit confused by the image at the end though.

Despite what some of the commenters have stated about clichés in your lines, I find that it really work for a short, simple love poem such as this. I like the shortness of the lines and the use of enjambement, but at the same time it feels as though everything is stuttery and off with where the lines run off into others. Overall a really nice and sweet poem, but I think the form could use a bit of work.

ah, the gut punching feeling that we've all encountered a few times in our lives. I like the imagery behind this piece. It paints a vivid picture of what its like to have these emotions run all through you but keeping them contained (the cage) It's short and to the point but has a light flow to it that makes it enjoyable. I see what you mean by wanting to add something before the "I wonder.." and agree with you there. I feel like when reading it there need to be a tad more right there before you dive into the rest.

The pounding of a heart "flutters at the walls like a bird in a mine". Beautiful. That sentiment says so much with so little. The little bird is frantic, terrified. It wants to escape and be free. It struggles and struggles, but it hasn't yet failed. The little bird hasn't failed and now it is up to us to determine if the struggle was futile. Just like in love and life, do we let our heart rest because we give up on survival, or because we have finally escaped?

​

I really want to see more understated metaphor in the first half. "Could you hear it calling for me to unlock its cage and embrace yours. Could you hear my fear in its rhythm." You are telling me how your heart feels and how you feel in this moment.

How are you holding the key? Clutched in your hand? Hidden away?

What kind of sound is your heart making? Rattling the cage? Pounding on a door? If it was calling was it screaming down the halls? Did it echo?

​

I want to know these details because then I can start to question why you are feeling the way you do, and how I can relate to that.

​

I enjoyed reading this, truly. It is a piece with a lot of emotion, and a lot of beauty. Thank you for sharing.

Great stuff u/paulmo07

I understand what you mean about the 1st half compared to the 2nd. My humble suggestion would be move the image of the bird up to the beginning. You already have mentions of a cage/unlocking, etc., so why not make that the main thrust? It's the most visual part, in my opinion. Example:

My heart went frantic at the sight of you. could you hear it flutter at the walls like a bird in a mine?

or

My heart went frantic at the sight of you. could you hear it flutter at the bars of its cage?

Only a suggestion, but I think that would not only strengthen the beginning, but act as the guiding metaphor that you can build from in the 2nd half.

Edit: sorry about the formatting. I didn't mean to lengthen your lines in my examples. I still haven't learned to copy and paste here without everything getting screwed up. 😔

I personally have no problem with the metaphors used, as just because something is reused or is sort of clichéd, doesn't mean the text becomes meaningless. I really like how the feelings of freeing oneself and keeping one's emotions contained seep through the poem, like when the narrator talks about being fearful, while continuously talking about how frantically his/her heart beats for the other, and wondering if the other feels the same way.

It's quite a relatable message, a lot of us hide our feelings for the people we know and meet, we often wonder if the other person feels the same way, while at the same time keeping our true feelings hidden, out of fear. This is what I think is the strongest point of the poem, how it neatly describes this dilemma a lot of us go through.

I would have liked to see a little more of a description of the fear of the narrator, that would help in creating a second stanza before "I wonder;...", and bring a little bit more depth to the poem, which would make it quite better. I'll see if I can think of something for the second stanza.

Still, overall, a great poem.