Source
r/Parenting•
SimonButcher

Books/resources for cis children to understand transgender/gender nonconforming parent

Advice

Hey everyone!

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My son turned three not long ago, and now he's starting to reach that age where he's inevitably noticing the differences in genders with peers at school. As such, the conversations about boys and girls have started to surface but haven't gone very far... yet. We've kept things fairly gender neutral for our kids growing up so far, and we've never pushed the boys vs. girls stuff like we see with other parents, but it's inevitable that this distinction will be hammered in just from society being what it is.

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His Mummy is a cis woman, but I (Daddy) am intersex, non-binary transgender, with a somewhat feminised body, mostly male sounding voice, and fluid/queer presentation. Naturally my wife and I are concerned about how to "normalise" this for him when he does start really questioning why his Daddy is different to other Daddies, or why the staff and other parents at school treat Daddy a bit differently, or why sometimes Daddy is "Sir" and sometimes "Ma'am" at the shops, etc.

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Our little one loves to read with us, and books really help us open discussions with him, so I've been looking for several months for books that tackle the subject of gender identity and gender expression without a rigid gender binary, in a kid friendly way that isn't either coming across as excessively "preachy" or are intended to focus on a child who is going through their own gender identity issues.

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The real problem is that I can't seem to find anything that covers *other people being trans* (particularly family) and instead the books always seem to focus on helping the child with their own trans identity. I guess I'm really trying to find something that validates the sentiment that some Daddies are boys, some Daddies are girls, and some Daddies are something else, both, whatever, and that's just fine.

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Does anyone have any book recommendations, ideas for other resources for a three or four year old, or perhaps some other ideas or experiences on how to tackle this?

Posted May 16, 2019, 10:36 AM UTC

720
[deleted]•

Honestly, I think you’re worrying too much. Your family is your kids normal. If he asks questions just answer them in the most simple way you can, kids tend to accept information given to them.

24
lil_puddles•

Yup agree! Honesty with age appropriate answers!

7
SimonButcherOP•

I think you’re worrying too much. Your family is your kids normal.

Thank you for saying this! You're absolutely right, and I do tend to overthink these things. :)

If he asks questions just answer them in the most simple way you can, kids tend to accept information given to them.

Actually this was the idea for the books - I don't want to just start reading them with him until he starts asking questions, and at that point I would like to have something ready I can pull out of the back of a cupboard and show him to help simplify any discussion through an external narrative so he has a more isolated reference.

He's an unbelievably bright kid, so I'm sure he'll get it, and you're right that our family really is his normal, but in my (over)thinking I just wanted an alternative reference to ease any explanation.

...yeah maybe I'm just worrying too much :)

5
[deleted]•

That makes total sense. I hope you find the resources you are looking for 😊

2
SimonButcherOP•

Thank you :)

2
CicadaLife•

We used the book "Red" when I transitioned, it was very helpful in introducing the idea that someone's outside might not match who they really are.

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KACIL2C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

10
SimonButcherOP•

Wow, I think this is a really nice direction to go in, so I've just ordered it.. maybe my search was a bit too narrow.

Thank you :)

Edit: We read Red tonight as the bedtime story - it's a lovely story and in our context it's very subtle, I can see why it's so recommended, and why it's won so many awards. Thanks again! :)

4
synnar•

I found this site which lists a few different books about trans parents :)

https://www.therainbowtimesmass.com/transgender-parent-friendly-picture-books-for-young-children/

5
SimonButcherOP•

Thanks :)

I have seen many of the books on this list (for the parents bit) and had dismissed them mostly because they felt like they were for an older audience or too directed towards describing a more binary transition scenario which would make it more work to discuss I think. I think I'll try to dig into the content a bit more through the samples on Amazon and see if I missed something.

3
synnar•

Yeah, I noticed while looking that most books like this are very specific and seem to target pre-teens a bit more.

There's a book called 'Unconventional Fairy Tales for Unconventional Families' which has 10 different fairy tales, each with a different family structure, which would at least be a good way to show your kid how much variety there is and that there are so many different, loving family situations and yours is just one more, but it was a Kickstarter so I can't find anywhere you can actually buy it :(

Otherwise, depending on how creative you are, maybe you could even create your own book? You could use a simple scrapbook to stamp, sticker, draw and glue pictures in, or there's lots of print websites if you wanted something a bit more professional. It would allow you to really personalise the story and make it even more interesting to your son.

Sorry, this ended up really long, I just think what you're doing is great and wish you luck in finding what you're after :)

4
SimonButcherOP•

I had to go researching Unconventional Fairy Tales, it sounded too good to be true. I found loads of references for it, but ultimately the Kickstarter failed. It looked great! Unfortunately the target age group is much older than my little ones for now, and while I'm pretty cool with the fantasy themes I don't know if they will be.

There's good news though, because digging a little deeper reveals they are still going ahead with getting the book published, at first in Italian (it's already out as of this week actually) and they are trying to publish it later in English.

Thank you so much for pointing me towards that - I'm going to keep an eye on that project and hopefully get my hands on a printed English copy of that book and park it for when my kids are a bit older :)

As for writing my own book: I really would if I could! I consider myself to be quite creative, albeit time starved, but I wouldn't dare presume to be capable of writing a book for very young children. I tend to pour myself into projects so I would want to write something for other parents in the same boat (and that is already a bit of a minefield), but ultimately after reading so many kids books with my nieces - and now with my own kids - I have to give credit to authors of children books because so few books resonate with kids and become "repeat-reads", which indicates to me that there's quite an art to authoring a book for little people. It's a skill I wouldn't dare presume I possess.

Thank you so much for your positiveness and your input, it's greatly appreciated :)

4
wanderer333•

There's a book coming out in a few weeks which looks like it might be exactly what you have in mind - It Feels Good to Be Yourself: A Book About Gender Identity. It's fairly unique in that it includes non-binary individuals; most of the children's books with trans characters are specifically MtF or FtM. The only other one I'm aware of is From the Stars in the Sky to the Fish in the Sea, in which the main character is implied to be intersex and genderfluid, and uses they/them pronouns. (However, the metaphor of also being lots of different animals can be a bit confusing to young kids; I've found this to be true with some of the other more metaphorical stories out there as well, such as Red: A Crayon's Story, Not Quite Narwhal, and Neither, although those are all fantastic books!). There are also a couple other non-fiction books, Who Are You? The Kids Guide to Gender Identity and The Gender Wheel, which are probably a bit too complex (and preachy) for a 3-year-old but might at least give you some ideas. The authors of Gender Wheel also just released an alphabet book focused on different pronouns called They, She, He, easy as ABC which would definitely work for his age. As you pointed out though, it's much harder to find books about trans parents than trans kids; I don't think I can really help you there, as the few I'm aware of are self-published and not very well written or illustrated. The closest thing I can think of would be Introducing Teddy, in which the main character's teddy bear comes out as trans, but it's a binary transition, so may not be super helpful. There are lots of good picture books showing diverse family structures though, which you could definitely elaborate on. Sorry I can't be more helpful, it's definitely a major gap in the world of children's books that will hopefully be filled soon!!

4
SimonButcherOP•

Sorry I can't be more helpful

Don't be silly, your comment couldn't be more helpful - you've introduced me to material I didn't find! :)

Actually it took me a bit of time to dig through everything you've sent over. Some of it admittedly is a bit too directed and some of it a bit too old compared with what I'm looking for. I had the suggestion for Red earlier (I will be getting it today or tomorrow), and from your suggestions I think I'll be looking at Neither which looks really sweet because actually the metaphorical side is probably more helpful at this point. I'm also looking at getting From the Stars, but I feel that might be too much information about Daddy than necessary.

I was recommended Introducing Teddy on another post, but I had dismissed it in the past. I'm going to give it another look, but I agree it's very much binary but furthermore really seems to deal with an on-going transition (i.e. changes), where as my situation isn't exactly that I'm changing but rather this is how it's always been.

it's definitely a major gap in the world of children's books that will hopefully be filled soon!

Indeed, but it's an understandable gap. u/synnar even suggested writing something myself, but I really don't think I'm up for that challenge! :) I think in the meantime the metaphorical/philosophical style books are best, especially given the age (~3½).

Thank you so much for your reply, I wasn't expecting such a well prepared answer to my post! :)

3
wanderer333•

So glad I could help! I love children's books, and try to keep track of what's out there on various topics so that I can be useful in situations like this :) Red and Neither are both wonderful books, really can't go wrong there. And I'm also pretty excited about It Feels Good to Be Yourself, since it seems a bit more accessible to younger kids and less preachy than some of the existing non-fiction options; I think it's good to have something factual as well as metaphorical, since young kids can be so literal, a lot of the metaphors tend to go over their heads. Hopefully someday there will be more options out there!

3
SimonButcherOP•

Red arrived today and we read it at bedtime - we both loved it :)

Neither is the next one I want to get as it also looks very sweet, and looks like it treats the subject matter gently too.

Since you're interested in childrens books, the first book I ordered on the subject (which wasn't exactly a good fit) was Are you a boy or are you a girl? which is clearly more targeted at helping trans* kids accept themselves, but promotes acceptance that gender norms can be broken. I felt it was a bit too direct, but I think you're right about the need for a very factual story.

Red was understood by my son and he saw some parallels through discussion while reading the book the second time through but there are still some subtleties he won't get until he's a bit older. Perhaps that's not necessarily a bad thing though, because all I want is for him to see through an alternative frame of reference that actually his family is a bit different and that's okay.

That said, I think when It feels good to be yourself is released in a few weeks' time I'll try to get my hands on a copy too for exactly that factual element you describe. This looks like the book I was wanting to sit in the back of the cupboard for when we might want to tackle the gender topic when the topic it does come up.

Thank you so much, again :)

3
wanderer333•

Yay, so glad that you and your son are enjoying Red! If you liked that one I suspect you'll like Neither as well :)

I am somewhat familiar with Are You A Boy or Are You a Girl?, but it's not one of my favorites - it's fine, but it's just a bit dry, you know? I think it's tough to write a more factual book that's actually engaging for kids. Jamie is Jamie is slightly more successful at that (similar concept, the main character's gender is never specified and they demonstrate that there's no such thing as gendered toys, activities, etc). And there are a lot more books about gender non-conforming kids than trans kids - some good ones are Jacob's New Dress, Julian is a Mermaid, Annie's Plaid Shirt, Sparkle Boy, and Teddy's Favorite Toy. There's also the book Worm Loves Worm, which is probably intended as a metaphor for same-sex marriage, but arguably works more broadly as well (since the whole point is the worms don't have genders!).

...and I could go on about other books showing different family structures, but I'll stop there for now :P Let me know if you'd like any more recs, I'm always more than happy to talk about picture books!

3
wanderer333•

Yay, so glad that you and your son are enjoying Red! If you liked that one I suspect you'll like Neither as well :)

I am somewhat familiar with Are You A Boy or Are You a Girl?, but it's not one of my favorites - it's fine, but it's just a bit dry, you know? I think it's tough to write a more factual book that's actually engaging for kids. Jamie is Jamie is slightly more successful at that (similar concept, the main character's gender is never specified and they demonstrate that there's no such thing as gendered toys, activities, etc). And there are a lot more books about gender non-conforming kids than trans kids - some good ones are Jacob's New Dress, Julian is a Mermaid, Annie's Plaid Shirt, Sparkle Boy, and Teddy's Favorite Toy. There's also the book Worm Loves Worm, which is probably intended as a metaphor for same-sex marriage, but arguably works more broadly as well (since the whole point is the worms don't have genders!).

...and I could go on about other books showing different family structures, but I'll stop there for now :P Let me know if you'd like any more recs, I'm always more than happy to talk about picture books!

1
wanderer333•

Yay, so glad that you and your son are enjoying Red! If you liked that one I suspect you'll like Neither as well :)

I am somewhat familiar with Are You A Boy or Are You a Girl?, but it's not one of my favorites - it's fine, but it's just a bit dry, you know? I think it's tough to write a more factual book that's actually engaging for kids. Jamie is Jamie is slightly more successful at that (similar concept, the main character's gender is never specified and they demonstrate that there's no such thing as gendered toys, activities, etc). And there are a lot more books about gender non-conforming kids than trans kids - some good ones are Jacob's New Dress, Julian is a Mermaid, Annie's Plaid Shirt, Sparkle Boy, and Teddy's Favorite Toy. There's also the book Worm Loves Worm, which is probably intended as a metaphor for same-sex marriage, but arguably works more broadly as well (since the whole point is the worms don't have genders!).

...and I could go on about other books showing different family structures, but I'll stop there for now :P Let me know if you'd like any more recs, I'm always more than happy to talk about picture books!

1
wanderer333•

Yay, so glad that you and your son are enjoying Red! If you liked that one I suspect you'll like Neither as well :)

I am somewhat familiar with Are You A Boy or Are You a Girl?, but it's not one of my favorites - it's fine, but it's just a bit dry, you know? I think it's tough to write a more factual book that's actually engaging for kids. Jamie is Jamie is slightly more successful at that (similar concept, the main character's gender is never specified and they demonstrate that there's no such thing as gendered toys, activities, etc). And there are a lot more books about gender non-conforming kids than trans kids - some good ones are Jacob's New Dress, Julian is a Mermaid, Annie's Plaid Shirt, Sparkle Boy, and Teddy's Favorite Toy. There's also the book Worm Loves Worm, which is probably intended as a metaphor for same-sex marriage, but arguably works more broadly as well (since the whole point is the worms don't have genders!).

...and I could go on about other books showing different family structures, but I'll stop there for now :P Let me know if you'd like any more recs, I'm always more than happy to talk about picture books!

1
wanderer333•

Yay, so glad that you and your son are enjoying Red! If you liked that one I suspect you'll like Neither as well :)

I am somewhat familiar with Are You A Boy or Are You a Girl?, but it's not one of my favorites - it's fine, but it's just a bit dry, you know? I think it's tough to write a more factual book that's actually engaging for kids. Jamie is Jamie is slightly more successful at that (similar concept, the main character's gender is never specified and they demonstrate that there's no such thing as gendered toys, activities, etc). And there are a lot more books about gender non-conforming kids than trans kids - some good ones are Jacob's New Dress, Julian is a Mermaid, Annie's Plaid Shirt, Sparkle Boy, and Teddy's Favorite Toy. There's also the book Worm Loves Worm, which is probably intended as a metaphor for same-sex marriage, but arguably works more broadly as well (since the whole point is the worms don't have genders!).

...and I could go on about other books showing different family structures, but I'll stop there for now :P Let me know if you'd like any more recs, I'm always more than happy to talk about picture books!

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

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