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r/badhistory•
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Wondering Wednesday, 22 May 2019, Make up a silly AskHistorians question using the format of 'I'm a 3rd century farmer...'

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For a short time, AskHistorians was filled with questions that used this format: "I'm a [insert job] from the [insert number]th Century from [insert country], what would I think about [insert historical event from this time] happening, and how would it affect me?" For example: "I'm a hot blooded young Roman man of the late Empire hitting the streets of Rome for a night out with my mates and I've got sestertii burning a hole in my purse. What kind of vice and wanton pleasures are available to me?" So this week try to make up a crazy combo of these variables that would make an AH-mod cry with laughter or real tears. If you can't think of one, feel free to make a fake or real attempt at answering one of the top level questions.

We did this previously about a year ago, and people liked the topic, so by popular request here it is again. Here is the post from a year ago to give you some ideas.

Note: unlike the Monday megathread, this thread is not free-for-all. You are free to discuss history related topics. But please save the personal updates for the Mindless Monday post! Please remember to np link all links to Reddit if you link to something from a different sub, lest we feed your comment to the AutoModerator. And of course, no violating R4!

If you have any requests or suggestions for future Wednesday topics, please let us know via modmail.

Posted May 22, 2019, 11:53 AM UTC

8261
MedievalGuardsman461•

Hi, I'm a 20th century Georgian bank robber, how do I collectivise agriculture?

48
low_orbit_sheep•

Time traveller spotted.

14
Saelyre•

I'm a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. How can I tell what kind of armour my .32 revolver can penetrate so I don't get skewered by jealous knights?

44
TalkToPlantsNotCops•

I'm a late 20th century Little League player in King Arthur's Court. How do I explain to the King the purpose of bubble gum?

15
livefromphoebeshouse•

“Little League Chew”, surely?

7
Baec-Vir•

I'm a German businessman in South America on legitimate business in 1946, I'm looking to explore those untapped markets that no one else would ever look for - what's the most isolated community in South America?

44
atomfullereneThe Apollo 13 astronauts were crisis actors•

I'm a volcano in the ancient near east. What is my best strategy for becoming worshiped as a deity?

I'm a 1930's general in Germany. What's the best cleaning agent to use on my Wehrmacht?

I'm a 21st century time traveler who just landed in dark ages Europe. Does anyone have a pasta recipe? Where can I find a grocery store to get the ingredients?

I'm a Dubliner, and it's Christmas Eve of 1838. Should I wear a raincoat or snowboots to Mass tomorrow?

I'm a Hawaiian sailor during the reign of King Kamehameha III. What's the best position to serve in the dreadnought fleet?

42
laertes78Switzerland didn't exist until 1848.•

I'm a 1930's general in Germany. What's the best cleaning agent to use on my Wehrmacht?

Nur mit der Ruhe, Kamerad. The RMVP has this new cleaning agent, called Tannenberg^(1). Not tested on animals.

​

^(1)Ingredients include Gleiwitzium, Propagandyl and Rommelia vera. Adverse effects include a strange fixation on Wunderwaffen, K/D statistics and becoming an upstanding citizen in the FRG. May contain traces of Pervitin™.

15
Citrakayah•

I'm a swallow in twelfth century England. How do I get to Africa?

42
124876720Surprisingly, Cambodians have no bad memories of Pol Pot•

I'm a twenty-something bored Redditor with mild-depression and an entry-level graduate job in 2019. Other than making comments on r/PropagandaPosters pointing out that the historical record is at odds with the propaganda poster submitted, how can I demonstrate my penetrating insights into modern history and contemporary politics?

40
TheVeryGrumpyGingerthe HRE was a functioning democracy.•

Start making poorly researched Youtube videos with cartoony characters to illustrate your point.

19
sopadepanda321•

I am a young enterprising Ryukyuan chieftain in 1444. What sort of political maneuvering is available to me to begin a massive wave of aggressive expansion that will suddenly stop with my final successor in 1821?

39
TheITChap•

colonize to Philippines, island hop to africa then insert jesus in you and become Coptic

6
lelarentaka•

I am a Japanese American civilian in 1942, and the police just knocked on my door. Am I legally required to allow them in? What is my legal recourse?

(sorry r/legaladvice crossover)

35
Commando_GrandmaMarx believed a planet-sized ghost would give us communism•

I'm an illiterate, unskilled English worker in 1860. What is my reaction to the burning of the Summer Palace and why did I leave an exacting, detailed political treatise regarding my thoughts on it?

I'm the entire population of the German Empire in 1871. Now that the Kaiser has assimilated us into his hive mind, as any unified country has, what is our collective reaction to the Paris Commune and its downfall?

I'm a curious young Redditor in the year 2019. Why do all of my AskHistorians questions take this format, and why do all of my preconceptions about and questions regarding the Middle Ages appear to be based largely off of Game of Thrones?

34
Conny_and_TheoXwedodah Missionary•

why do all of my preconceptions about and questions regarding the Middle Ages appear to be based largely off of Game of Thrones?

Kinda serious here but this problem appears so often irl and online and it irks me a lot.

Some folks feel GoT helps people realize the medieval world wasn't a cakewalk, but I'm in the other camp that feels it goes to far and just reinforces the "gritty gore and rape = realism" nonsense and puts an unuanced version of that into people's perceptions of medieval Europe.

20
Commando_GrandmaMarx believed a planet-sized ghost would give us communism•

Tell me about it. What possibly irks me more than the people who get an overly grim-dark view of the Middle Ages from the series are the people who hear that GRRM wrote in some references and loose similarities to the Wars of the Roses and assume that means the series is a line of Wars of the Roses textbooks with the names swapped out.

Remember when Henry Tudor >!broke his neck and became a wizard, then was later elected king after John Morton gave a speech about how he was the most interesting man in England?!< Easily the most interesting part of the whole affair, frankly.

18
Konradleijon•

Yeah GOT Seems to be needlessly dark in some places.

3
EnclavedMicrostate10/10 would worship Jesus' Chinese brother again•

To be fair, a pretty sizeable chunk of China at the time was probably pretty pleased that the Palace burned down, or at least ambivalent.

9
Percy_FawcettThe Indiana Jones films are detailed historical accounts•

I'm a 9th century BCE Irish farmer. how do I feel about the sinking of Atlantis, and how does the influx of Atlantean refugees affect my daily life?

34
TheyMightBeTrollsThe Sea Peoples weren't real socialism.•

I'm a third century farmer. Anyone know the way back to the time machine?

29
Echospite•

Look for the blue wooden box, there's a lady in there that can help you out, she's a doctor.

11
chiron3636•

What the hell is a doctor?

8
Changeling_Wil1204 was caused by time traveling Maoists•

Illa est femina medicae. Ea est auxiliatorem.

Ea adiuvabit tuum.

Audi ei et tuum eris tutum et securum!

13
Echospite•

A time traveller.

4
voyeur324•

I'm a medical student in Buenos Aires. What is the best model of motorcycle available secondhand in 1951? How long would it take for me to ride to Guatemala?

I'm a priest stuck on a small island in Lake Nicaragua in 1967. How long do I have to stay in the same parish? How do I convince my bishop that popular revolution is the only solution?

27
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
Changeling_Wil1204 was caused by time traveling Maoists•

Sum romanus colonus. Sum perditus! Iuva me! Serva me ex barbaris!

Sui un povre sers de siecle onzieme Paris! Qui est li rois?

27
TheD3rpand Russia invaded everyone•

I'm a mid-19th century Ethiopian emperor who sent a letter two years ago to the queen of Britain asking for help in putting down a rebellion and I still haven't received a reply. What could have happened to my message and what should I do next to get their attention?

25
TheVeryGrumpyGingerthe HRE was a functioning democracy.•

I'm a Roman erotic painter in the first century BCE would it be illegal for me to make pornographic wall paintings of Cleopatra and Julius Caesar? Are there some positions or acts I wouldn't be allowed to depict?

24
ThesaurusRex84•

I am a young prince from Edo-period Japan. The shapeshifting demon I was supposed to destroy flung me into the future before the final blow was struck. How do I get back? Back to the past?

24
KaligraphicDracula did nothing wrong•

I'm a 31st century telephone sanitizer in Upper Lowervania. How would I understand the fungal uprising of the late 26th century?

24
ZugwatHeadhunting Savage from a Barbaric Fishing Village •

I'm a Hunnic raider under Attila, where do Romans hide their valuables?

23
TheVeryGrumpyGingerthe HRE was a functioning democracy.•

Many Romans would have hidden their money in hoards. Either threaten them to reveal the site or look at the countryside for suspicious looking recently dug holes.

9
Wittlesbabygotbach•

I'm a 15th century northern English Duke, accidental King. How do I plausibly spirit my bastard nephews out of the country, so they can continue our family line if that nasty Mr Tudor does depose me?

23
raymaehn•

I'm a Llama in the Inca Empire. What can I do to be permitted into the Emperor's palace?

21
TheGreatXanathar•

Remember.

#do not mess up the emperor’s groove

14