I suck at titles but this is from my heart

I was raised to show no emotion as a child, my second half of my life I join the military which taught me to suppress my emotions. The first person that took me to the club as a new medic got killed in action and I didnt even shed a tear for them. I spent my better half of my life running from relationships because I was afraid of commitment AND also never show my true emotions to my SO. I am lonely and want to be love but I have spent my adult life running away and behind a wall that woman dont have time to break down Or I dont know HOW to let others into my life. I use meaninglessness sex as an escape route BUT then feel hollow and even lonelier. I used my career, my family and education as an excuse to not get into relationships. I have so much pent up aggression, sadness, emotions that I sometimes I catch myself breaking down and try all to hold myself up so as to not seem weak. I am writing this after drinking a bit and finally had the courage to write it on here. As I type tears are going down my cheeks because so many memories and thoughts are running thru my mind that its hard to keep them in.

I dont know if I can tell my parents what I've been thru in life, military or civilian life, but everytime I'm close to wanting I chicken out.

This post is all over the place just like I am but I needed to write it out. I needed to put my feelings out there one way or another.