Depression never really goes away

I’ve had a long history of mental illness. I have come very close to attempting suicide multiple times a few years ago. Most of the time these were triggered by a girl breaking up with me or rejecting me. I say trigger because I now know that there are many underlying issues there not just the fact that some girls led me on or used me.

I thought depression was something I could get over, and for a while I convinced myself that I did. For a couple of years I’ve been dating a girl who I love very much and also I have finished an honours degree in chemistry, so for the most part my life on appearances seems great. There have been times however, when everything has been great but I feel the black dog stirring inside me. There are times where I would walk home from a night out and have random thoughts of killing myself. Sometimes the pointlessness and randomness of everything can be beautiful but sometimes it can make me feel so alone, it’s hard to describe. This sense of cosmic aloneness, that I will die alone and that in the words of one of my heroes ‘we are born into a losing struggle’, never leaves me regardless of how my life is going.

My situation currently has just brought all the dark thoughts back. My parents have separated and I’m seemingly unable to find work in my field despite my best efforts. The pressure to ‘make it’ and be successful is overwhelming, but at the same time I’m equally terrified of going down a path of trying to be ‘successful’ but hating myself in that job.

Even considering all that, the hardest part is that I thought a loving relationship would help fix my depression but it doesn’t. I would even say that it’s hurting my relationship. I often find it hard to get the effort to see my girlfriend as much as she’d like, mainly because I’m just feeling shitty and want to be alone. It’s hard to get her to understand why I’m like this, and the truth is I really don’t know either.

Sorry for ranting but I have to get this off my chest.