i wish i could expose my abuser

i wish i could expose my ex boyfriend who abused me for 10 months. physically, sexually, and emotionally. i won’t go into detail because i’m ashamed for staying. it was my fault for getting into a relationship with someone 10 years older than me when i was underage. i wish i wasn’t so fucking stupid, i wish i recorded stuff for proof so i could bring it to the police. i don’t want any other girl to go through what i went through. i have ptsd from everything that happened and i frequently get triggered by things. i can’t stop thinking about the fact that he’s still out there, and even promoting himself on social media. i wish i could stop fucking thinking about it but all i can think about is revenge. i want revenge but there’s no way i can get revenge, there’s no way i can ruin him the way he ruined me. every time i think about it my heart starts beating out of my chest. i don’t want to ruin his entire life and put him in jail for years, i just want him to fucking be exposed for his behavior somehow. it sucks that i have no proof and i hate myself. i hate myself for not being smart enough to get it on video. i know that i should go to a therapist but i just can’t afford it. and how will it help? if he’s still out there living a happy fucking life after fucking up mine, how am i supposed to just let it go? why did i stay in the relationship for so long? is something wrong with me? somebody please help me, i just wish i could forget everything and i can’t fucking breathe. if any of you have gone through anything similar please tell me how you stopped feeling this way, i just can’t take it anymore. i feel like throwing up.