I [23,F] spoke to my [26,M] ex for the last time today.

(all the names used, are fabricated)

I (Trisha) had never loved anyone before. And him (Sidhant) too. Back in August, 2015 I met a guy on a dating app. I was studying in Japan, and he was from my home-country, India. We spoke for around a week on the app, before he eventually asked for my Facebook. It was my birthday that day, and for the first time, he called me on Messenger and we spoke for hours. My birthday ended, and he said he has classes the next day and had to sleep. We both said goodnight, and then disconnected the call.

Over the next 7-8 months, we fell in love with each other over Skype and WhatsApp calls. He even sent me a hand-written letter to Japan on my birthday, because we had a fight and I blocked him everywhere. I told him I love him, and he immediately said his feelings were mutual too. All this while, sex was never in the question. I could legit talk to him about each and every thing that I wanted to and he responded with the right kind of answers. He was respectful, and listened to me every time with patience because I know I am not easy at all. Comes 2016, and in January itself I told him that I cannot do long distance. He gets a little worried, and says that if I want time, he will give it to me. 2 months fast forward, I'm really busy with my second last year, and I get an email. It is from him. He says that he really misses me, and in no time we are talking again. I tell him that I'm coming to India and want to meet him. We book our tickets to a holiday destination in India, and I see him for the first time in flesh. I am going red, and he cannot say a word also. He tells me that he was here since the morning and did not eat anything. I tell him that is really stupid, and then we get some sandwiches. Our bus is in the next 6 hours, which will take us from the airport to our hotel, so we decide to hang around for a little while. We get out of the airport, and take a ferry to an island nearby which is 3 hours up-and-down. We look at each other and are making small talk. This was not how it was on the phone calls! We reach the island, and it happens. He holds my hand, and I grip it with all my heart too. We don't look at each other, but the conversations go on. We get back on the ferry after the roaming around, and I finally put my head on his shoulder. You guys know how it goes... We had the most amazing 5 day holiday together.

It is time for me to go back to Japan. I do, and it is really difficult. When I get back, I tell him that this will not be possible. He becomes reluctant and says that we can try it. For the next year, till I get my vacations, we continue talking on the phone. The amount of fights we had over small things like, why feminism is becoming something it is not or how long it took him to make curry (while forgetting that you get every thing pretty much already made in Japan). He was in a hospitality course, so he used to take time. I was studying Geology. After a whole 11 months of kisses and fists over phones, we went to another holiday destination in the year 2017. We were together for 6 days this time, and this time, our fights after intense love-making sessions were there. He never raised his hand at me, he was only verbal. I used to just show my disapproval by not speaking to him. He used to say the things he wanted, and just sit next to me till it cooled down. When it was time, he hugged me and we slept back. Over stupid things again, like he wanted his Upma spicier than I wanted and chose to have coconut water instead of the ice cream I wanted.

When that ended, I did not go back to Japan but visited my family in Delhi. We were still in touch, and I told him it is going to be very difficult now. He said, he wants to see me before I go away for my last year. This time, I went back to him home-town and we had the most beautiful 4 days back together. We had a fight on the last day, and ended my last day with him by watching The Notebook.

Everything changed when I came back to Japan in March, 2017. Our calls became lesser and lesser, and spread out. I must add here now, that I come from a family that has done really well for itself. He was not from the same place, his parents managed to send him to university after taking loans from friends and family and his monthly allowance only allowed him to do so much. That's why I traveled to India every time we were going to meet. - this is when everything broke away.

One day, he told me that he needs to go to his university state to give an exam he did not clear, but has no place to stay. Earlier last night, we had had another one of those fights of ours. I was already pissed off, and he told me he will figure something out. I told him, that I will write a review for him on couchsurfing which can potentially get him a house. He said he does not want that, but I wrote it anyway for him. 15 minutes later, I recieve a notification that he commented on my review - remove this fake response, I do not know you. I wanted him to move to Japan, and get a job here to which he said nobody was accepting him because he did not know Japanese. To which I told him - I call bullshit on it. I was so annoyed and frustrated that he was not even trying.

For some reason, this was the final nail in coffin of all of my frustrations. I blocked him every where, and called a guy who was a friend. I went to his house, and we had sex. I was ashamed of myself, but when I went home the night later, I told him everything. He just disconnected the call and sent me - Do not message or call me again. He blocked me every where too. The next day, I get a message saying why did I do what I did. I say whatever I can, and he disconnects the call saying - come back to me one day. I knew things were not going to be the same. A week later, I am spending more and more time with the guy I cheated on Sidhant with. A week later, (we stopped talking) I get a message from Dayne saying that Sidhant contacted him asking if we had sex, and Dayne told him he needs to fix himself. Dayne changed too after that, and he cheated on me. I was so lost. I could not talk to Sidhant, because every time I did try to talk to him, he would get really angry and say really mean things and ask me things that I had no answer for. I eventually blocked Sidhant, so he could not contact me. He did make some fake IDs on various platforms to try reaching out to me. Sometimes crying, calling me from numbers I did not know of. I just disconnected them, because I did not what to say to him. Move forward a couple of months, I did use to sometimes unblock him and talk to him. He was quiet, while I used to talk about the guys I was sleeping around with. He was the only one I could really talk to, and I know it used to hurt him, but I was trying to move on from him. He gave me his Netflix one night. And then the other night, I used to get a wall of text with words like slut, whore, heart-breaker, and "broke my mind" from Sidhant. I got a letter in August, 2018 on my birthday, from him, saying that he misses me but he would never like to be with me again with a ton of other things too, especially repeated mentions of asking for a closure. Alright, I was moving to Germany anyway for higher studies while he got a new job.

Today, after a really long hiatus of almost 2 years, I got an email from him. It said - why did you break me like how you did? why did you ever give me my answers?. All I told him, that I am a changed woman and I would appreciate it, if he moved on because break-ups happen all the time... I read things from a man, that I never knew was capable of. Messages and messages of anger, whore, slut, bitch, hoping for me to die, and never find love again... I was astonished. I was afraid. I must have recieved around 8-10 emails before I decided to deactivate all my profiles every where so he cannot send me any messages anywhere. He has calmed down, it seems, but I'm afraid he will come back again.

All I want to ask, was my not being able to face him and his questions the reason for him to judge my character so much? Am I the asshole for staying away from him, for his own good, because I knew it will go nowhere? Every time I tried to get in touch with him, it just ended in the same cycle of blaming and frustrations and blocking. I know he never blocked me everywhere, and kept all communications open but every time I tried to talk to him, all he did was remind me of my infidelity which annoyed me and then I knew how bad it was for my sanity. Where did it all go wrong?

TL;DR found a guy, dated him for 3 years before breaking away after my infidelity came in the middle and talked to him for the last time today, which made him the angriest I had ever seen/felt him, after he got in touch after a whole 2 years. seems like it has ended for good.