I've decided to be childfree. Feeling weird about it.

I realized I'd only wanted kids because I thought I needed to have some. I bought into the idea of missing out. I wanted the validation from my family.

But I know who I am. I hate kids. I hate loud noises. I hate cleaning up other's messes. I hate being needed. I'm too far removed from my family tree (mixed) for kids to matter.

But now I'm 34 and I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. The next thing to look forward to is my 40th birthday, then retirement (maybe, but probably not). This society is set up for women my age to have kids and now that I'm not, I feel discarded by it.