I (17M) have a crush on a childhood friend (18F), but I don't know if she feels the same way.

Tl;dr: Should I admit to my childhood friend who I am certain has had a crush on me in the past that I find her attractive and want to be more than friends? My problem is I'm afraid she doesn't feel the same way and this could make our friendship awkward.

If you skip over everything at least read the last four paragraphs. Am I insane for spewing down all these feelings onto reddit no one will ever read, maybe, but I just want some outside input.

Let me preface my dilemma with far too much backstory.

I have been good friends with this girl ever since the age of 4 when our families were neighbors. I was originally better friends with her brother, but when they moved to Massachusetts 5 years that friendship deteriorated. I remained friends with her.

After they moved away when we were in third grade our families kept in touch and visited each other, went on vacation, stuff like that.

I never found her attractive when we were younger but she definitely had a crush on me. You know the type of "crush" you had in third grade. We didn't see each other again until seventh grade when looking back at it she still had a "crush" on me. This never interfered with our friendship as it wasn't something she ever explicitly told me nor did it make things awkward. We were just kids.

At the start of high school I had found a girlfriend who I would remain with for 10 months. My childhood friend and I began talking more around the start of the school year too (via text, snapchat, that type of shit.) She still had a crush on me although she never told me and I didn't care enough to ask. Her (as in my childhood friend) friend would tell me she (as in my childhood friend) thought I was really hot. At this point the feelings still weren't mutual and I was already in a relationship. I don't think me having a girlfriend bothered her that much and we were still just good friends. She would later visit that year and it was the same. We would behave as if we had no sexual attraction to each other whatsoever. We were best friends.

We remained in close contact for the rest of ninth grade and as I write this right now I remember some things I have forgotten about. She used to have access to my snapchat streaks when I used to use snapchat. She would keep the streaks if I didn't have access to my phone and we had a 200 day streak before we lost it. After that and I believe it was towards the end of ninth grade and the summer that succeeded it was when we stopped talking as much.

10th grade rolls around and we kept in touch, snapchatting each other occasionally but she wouldn't respond as often as she did before and at this point she was the only person I snapchatted and tbh probably the only reason I still used the app. I don't think she was really into me anymore as it didn't seem like she liked talking as much. We were still best friends but it didn't seem like she was as into talking to me as she was before. My parents had somehow both gotten diagnosed with cancer in the fall and she would check in on me and ask me how I was doing but it was really her mom asking lol. Her and her family came to visit that fall to go see our baseball team in the playoffs. Around this time I definitely thought she was hot. I didn't think so in years prior because she simply wasn't but now she was getting really hot, oh dear. At that time I never thought about making a move and I didn't think she was really that into me anymore but I probably thought she still sort of had a crush on me. Later that school year they visited us again and it felt to me like the roles had reversed and I thought she was super attractive but she didn't quite feel the same, or at least wasn't interested in a relationship. At this point we were still just great friends. She definetly considered me one of her closest friends and I felt the same. After they left sometime in January of 10th grade we didn't keep in touch much at all. We may have snapped each other a few more times but that was it. I probably didn't talk to her for around two years.

When you lose contact with a close friend or really anyone you care a lot about, you seem to care less and forget about them. Of course I didn't actually forget about her, but you think less and less about that person to the point where you don't really miss them. That's how I felt. Yes I would've liked to have kept in touch with her but if she didn't really want to I wouldn't pursue it.

We are graduating high school as I write this and she came down for a weekend for my graduation party this past weekend (family members, family friends, that kind of party). Of course she would love to come and was excited to see us. Yes I still think she's very attractive but I didn't really want to pursue it... well until I was with her again. When we were together this past weekend I was reminded of what great friends we are. We talk for awhile and really enjoy each other's company. We get high together and catch up on everything since we last saw each other.

Somewhere inside me I still think she has a crush on me. She likes to spend time alone with me and is eager to go out and do something like go to a movie. One time when we were driving Saturday running errands for my party she held my hand for the car ride (yes I know fucking wild woo-hoo). She reached out and held my hand as it was resting on the middle console of the car. I was surprised, but didn't say anything, just held her hand back for the rest of the car ride. She then said something along the lines of "I forgot I was holding your hand". Something like that. I don't think a girl who's just a friend would do this. She's not a flirtatious kind of girl who does this with everyone so I thought maybe this meant something. Or was she just being friendly? I never made any further advances when we were alone laying on the couch and neither would she. The only other time anything similar to this happened was when we were laying down on the couch and I rested my head on her shoulder and she laid her head back on mine for a few minutes until we got up. Nothing more. I never made any advances and neither did she.

I never admitted to her that I thought she was super hot but she is definitely a very attractive girl and probably knows it.

This is my problem and is the thing I don't understand about her: I know for a fact not too long ago she definitely had feelings for me. I feel like she can sort of tell I have a crush on her, but I could be wrong. If she knows I like her more than a friend and if she feels the same why don't we do anything when we're alone together this past weekend?? Am I just too much of a puss to put my arm around her and really convey to her that I have feelings for her. I hope she feels the same way but I also believe she doesn't feel the same way or just wants to be friends and nothing more. I guess I'm actually in the friend zone and she wants it that way. We were at the movies this past weekend and an old Instagram post of us from the beginning of 10th grade was somehow brought up in conversation. I remember when we were waiting in line at the movies Saturday she said, "you look better now". And then later in reference to the caption on the Instagram post that said "a good game and a good friend" she said something about friend zone. That's all I can remember. I didn't hear if she said back when you were in friend zone or just something about me being in the friend zone. Now this caption wasn't her idea but was from a guy friend of hers. Whether she felt that way at the time idk.