grades is all you need

so, i’m in my third year of secondary school, which means it’s time for choice of subjects, which also means i’m doing work for around 18 subjects, and the stress and pressure are just... insane.

i know i shouldn’t be complaining or whining about how tough school is, and how some people might say “school’s only going to get tougher”, but i’ve been building up so much pressure for a long time and i just need to get stuff off my chest the night before i have my finals.

my mom fits the stereotype of “strict asian parent”, even though she claims to be chill (she really isn’t). i can’t list the times i tell her what i got on my tests, and how she tells me that she expected higher and that she’s disappointed in me. i can’t tell you how many times i’m forced to suck up my tears in front of my friends while on the bus, because what i thought was a pretty good grade looked like a big fat fail in my mom’s eyes, and that she’s telling me off for being last minute in my studies, even if i’ve spent the last week staying up until midnight just to make sure i have everything in mind, but then she’ll tell me i’m not working hard enough, and i just want to yell back at her and show her how much time i’ve been putting for my grades.

i remember when the list for the top students for each subject were realised back in the first term, and how i broke down during choir when i didn’t see my name on the list for english. i remember crying on the way home in front of strangers and trying to dry my face before going home, just to break down completely the moment i saw my mother. i remember crying in class when i got 94% in a math test when my mom requested for a 95% minimum.

i hate that i already stopped talking to some of my friends because i was afraid that my grades would drop because their grades weren’t good, and i felt so bad. i remember the time where i was so stressed i got sick and broke down in a debate because i had so much on my plate that week that i didn’t have enough time to prepare and study at the same time.

i don’t want my grades to dictate how the last three years of secondary school will go, because the stress is just so much. i don’t want to waste my tears on bad grades and arguments with my mom over said grades i just want to have a good day at school without my mom asking about my tests or telling me off.