June is PTSD awareness month
June is PTSD awareness month. I have found that when someone discovers your situation they often ask "Did you serve?" and while I understand why this happens as many war vets suffer from PTSD and that gets the most headlines. The truth is there are many occupations that can put someone in the type of repeated trauma that can lead to it. I met a tow truck driver once that could not work wrecks anymore because he suffered PTSD after 10 years of being one of the first on the scene to an accident. With bodies still twitching and blood everywhere. Police, Fire, and EMS are all in danger daily and many suffer from PTSD understandably so.
And then there is the shit show of life that can just fuck you up real good. Such as in my case. So while I wasn't in the line of fire like a soldier was, my traumas were real and brutal and still something I struggle with every day.
The reason I ask this is: I don't think it is polite to ask someone "WHY"? or "How did you get it?". First off that is not even an easy question to answer for me as it was not even one event it was many over a great deal of time. Second, it's not a cold sore, you don't "Get it". To understand this part of me is only going to come by knowing me. And the chance of me showing it is slim. All I ask is for the respect of who I am now. Not a concern with where I came from or how I got here.
PTSD isn't being sad about shit that happened. It is pain that still hurts and lingers and will cut you sharply even though the events that caused it are long over. You will live the horror over and over whether you want to or not. You will hate yourself and feel sick thinking about how you could have done this. You should have done that. If only you had... and you live back there in the pain. It takes an instant by instant, minute by minute, day by day vigilance to keep it from consuming you and affecting your world now.
I hold anger inside of me but I work every day to let it go. I try every day to be a good person and to live in the moment. An army of demons tried to wrestle me to hell and I beat every one of those motherfuckers and I am still here smiling. I now have the advantage of being aware of the demons nipping at my heals and this helps me stay one step ahead.
Years ago I was put on so many drugs I was no longer me anymore. They numbed me with drugs. It did not help. I was on so much Klonopin no Dr. would take me (8mg per day). It took me 3 years but I got off all RX medications. I now medicate with cannabis and other natural methods like diet, sleep, and exercise. I still struggle sometimes. I was "triggered" the other day and have been off ever since. I am just kinda maintaining until payday when I can afford to grab more meds and I am keeping myself busy (like with long Reddit posts) The Fl system is better than nothing but the cost per gram makes it very tough for someone dosing like I am to keep up and off the BM. I am hoping that in 6-12 months the price will fall. If they do not I might need to move to a grow your own state as much as I love it here. $50 per gram of RSO or distillate (my go-to) makes it so I need to be either under medicated or just plain OUT for a couple of days which is a nightmare scenario for me as my symptoms pretty much flair out of control.
So today take a minute and remember that the person next to you hurts like you do. Smile and say hello.
Posted Jun 4, 2019, 3:17 PM UTC · edited