I don't know what to do anymore.

I'll try to keep it short. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. I cannot deny that even a little. I recently spent 5 days in a behavioral hospital after an attempt I made to hang myself in early April. I'm on medicine and seeing a therapist even though it's just racking my up bills and soon it's going to be more than I can manage financially. I started at a good job, I have a wonderful gf and a supportive family. But I don't know what's wrong with me. I should have found some resemblance of happiness.

I was diagnosed with Major Depresisve Disorder. I've identified that in my early and late adolescents I experienced a significant amount of trauma in a relatively short amount of time. My doctor believes during this time my brain chemistry wall altered and he's probably right. I have a good things going for me and people that love me, but some where deep down I'm just unhappy. I'm finally doing the things I should be doing to be responsible and to help myself. It just feels like I'm going through the motions. Maybe I'm just impatient or I'm struggling with he fact that I will struggle with this for the rest of my life.

I just don't give a shit anymore. It scares me that I'm slipping again. I don't want to kill myself but if I got hit by a car it wouldn't upset me. I know that's one of the first signs that I'm heading that direction again. I can feel the weight of it all again. Like I'm covered in a concrete suit. I saw this thread and I guess I'm just trying to get it off my chest without burdening those I love. The past few days have been hard. I'm hiding it again from those I love and I'm good at it.