Why do we do it, though? And why does it work...

Triggering

I had been almost 11 years SH-free. A month ago I had a relapse after going through some weird emotional shit.

And since I've been trying so, so hard not to do it again.

But I think after all these years, I'd honestly forgotten how effective it is. We all know it isn't healthy, we all know the guilt and the shame after we've done it. So why does it fucking work :(

Its all I can think about now and a part of me is almost annoyed I struggled through all those years without it when I could have just carried on doing it and at least experiencing occasional relief.

Its a mess. I feel like this will kill me one day.