Is micro-dosing normally this heavy ? Some thoughts on a recent experience.

Hi there,

I’m a 27 year-old living in the UK. Would like to share a recent experience microdosing with you to help those in a similar boat and hopefully grab a few pointers. Rocky and very unexpected results from my first week trying this, will try to detail as briefly as possible below, forgive me if I get off track.

This all happened a few weeks ago; I took my first dose (around 130mg powdered psylocibin psilocybe cubensis mushroom) on a Sunday morning (19th May to be precise) with the plan of one day on, two days off. The first day I took myself to a local museum, walked around town. I noticed an increased feeling of sadness as I watched the couples and families enjoying the museum.

By Monday I’d developed a gaping emptiness in my chest, almost unbearable feelings of sadness, aloneness and detachment from the world. This never really went away for the entire week I was microdosing. I continued with my regimen, taking another 130mg on Wednesday morning. That afternoon I found myself in my bedroom, at a loss for what to do with myself - none of my usual distractions made the empty feeling go away (food, TV etc.) I ended up running 5k around my neighbourhood to try and take my mind off it. It barely touched it. Thursday morning, I woke up still feeling utter despair and sadness, this is when it got really interesting.

I’d just finished my breakfast and wondered back to my bedroom with no clear idea of what I’d do with my day. As I walked through the door, all of a sudden everything just rose to the surface. I burst into tears and stood there crying into my hands for almost half an hour, feeling years of pain just flowing out of me. I don’t think I’ve really been living well these last few years, just existing though the days with no idea of my future. All this became painfully clear thanks to the shrooms. None of the distractions had any effect anymore and all I had was the emptiness and pain.

Friday was more of the same, my mum was visiting town and invited me to dinner and a show. As I sat in the restaurant I felt so sad and distant that I couldn’t manage to share what I was going through. I didn’t feel connected to any of these people sat around me and got onto thinking I’d never connect with the world. Saturday morning, after another crushing morning of loneliness and emptiness (including a rocky trip to the hospital for an MRI scan) I got a call from my mum. She said she sensed I wasn’t doing too well the night before, I started to talk about how I felt and ended up breaking down on the phone to her. We made plans for me to visit home and stay a few nights. Luckily my parents don’t live too far from me. Sunday morning I woke up after spending the day with my mum and sister. All the feelings were still there. Empty hole in my chest, super alone and very sad. I went to kitchen where my mum was making breakfast, I forget what I said exactly but next thing I’m crying like a big old baby into her arms. This was a lot, my mum bless her was super understanding, I’m not very open with my emotions usually. I spent one more night at home, this last week I’ve been working 12 hour days and not managed to get a moment to process the whole thing.

That leads me to now, I’m sat in a cafe near my house enjoying the music and figuring out the best way to put this on to page. I’ve decided to take a break from micro-dosing and have been processing the week I went through. I think deep down I was looking for an easy fix and of course the shrooms beat this out of me pretty quickly. Should probably add I was due to start a new job and this could have added to my anxiety during the week. Fortunately I see a psychotherapist who is open to psychedelics and able to guide me through the experience. The experience was kind of horrifying but I’m grateful, I sense I’ve been living in a very unfulfilling way, the shrooms helped feel the weight of that and highlighted just how empty a lot of the things I spend my time on truly are. The things that helped me the most during the week were seeing friends/family, visiting the buddhist centre for a meditation class, dancing and listening to music, taking a walk and focusing on my breath, letting myself cry. Shit, two microdoses of psylocibin (psilocybe cubensis mushroom) and it rocked my whole world.

Do you folks have any advice about jumping back in? Would probably take the same dose, make sure to see friends/family and talk with my psychotherapist/counsellor during. I would say I’m currently depressed and can see how it may be lot to put myself through this whilst not feeling 100%

Leads me to my next question, I’ve been thinking about taking SSRIs again, specifically citalopram which I do have experience with. I’m interested in combining these with micro-dosing. Mixed feelings on this but they could be a useful life float to help me adjust and cope with the sea change micro-dosing seemed to hit me with.

Any advice or similar experiences greatly appreciated. Who’d have thought micro-dosing would be such a trip.

Some background info: I’ve tripped acid a couple times, shrooms a few more. This was my first time microdosing and was almost more intense than previous ‘normal dose’ trips. I’ve been living with depression for a few years, I meditate regularly and try to eat well. I don’t have full time employment and I think I’ve become a little comfy in my current situation. Shared house, working a variety of temp jobs and just about affording to pay rent and live each month.

TL;DR microdosed psylocibin for a week, all my crappy coping mechanisms fell apart and I ended up crying like a baby in my mum’s arms. Learned a lot and am keen to try again.