I just want to get comforted and get this off my chest

The day after tomorrow I have this big final but I haven't been able to work all week. I've had periods of feeling depressed, then a few days of mania which made me unable to concentrate and a ruined birthday. I really want to pass it but every smallest thing turns my mood and pushes me in this isolated, sad state, and sometimes it seems like it won't ever pass, but i want it to so badly. It's been now years that I've had long periods of feeling not selfconfident, down, sad, depressed: all kinds of bad emotions. And actually I didn't mind the times when I was manic because for once I felt energetic, (kind of) happy, inspired... But if I had to divide the past years it's been: 1/2 depressed, 1/4 manic, 1/4 normal. I want it to be 4/4 normal, like everyone.

I really don't know what I should do now to study really hard today and tomorrow, because when I'm studying my mind drifts off and it always ends up making life a living hell. I'm sorry for writing so dramaticly but it just feels like it.

I wish life would have been easier. My father shouldn't have committed suicide. I shouldn't have been gay. I wish I were born as an animal and live shortly and whitout thought, or wasn't born at all, because to die while my family and few friends are living, is impossible.

This text probably doesn't even make sense and isn't structured at all. I only wanted to throw my thoughts out here.