Unsolicited advice for the broken-hearted

Hi there!

I'm posting this cause I found myself browsing the Internet in search of something that would give me solace through difficult times, but I couldn't find what I was looking for, so I made my own break-up guide. I was fed up with BuzzFeed articles titled "How to get over your ex" where the first step was "Just get over it". Gee, thanks, I'm fine now! 

This is all extremely subjective, but maybe it can give you a little bit of relief, even if it's for distracting you for ten minutes. That's how I'm doing it, it's not my first break-up and I'm not 100% extra fine, but it's a consolidated method and it helped me feel a little bit better. Mandatory disclaimer: sorry for my English, it's not my first language blah blah blah

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Make a list

Write down a list of things you have to take care of. Start with the small stuff, be that buying new clothes, hiding pictures, clean your car etc. and build up towards more difficult things like enrolling into a new class, writing a song, changing your job, whatever your big dreams are.

Having tasks to do gave me a direction during the first days when everything seemed useless and I just felt lost at sea.

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You don't have to face it now

The most popular advice is to give yourself a reasonable time to suffer about what just happened and then slowly trying to move on, keeping in mind that it's gone forever. I'm not a fan of that.

You have fresh wounds, you are probably in shock. The first thing you need is to take it easy and be kind on yourself. You don't need to cry for one week straight and then immediately face the thought that that person is gone forever. Don't focus on the concept of eternity, just live with the fact that for the moment your ex is gone. That "for the moment" is probably gonna turn into a forever, but let it happen on its own: dynamics change, feelings change and letting this concept sink in naturally is much easier than having to ingrain it into your head when you aren't really ready to face it.

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Don't be angry

You will probably feel a lot of anger - towards yourself because you couldn't make it work and especially towards your ex. Leave yourself alone, you did all you could and this will all help you for the next time (yes, believe it or not a next time will probably come). You know your limits now, you know what you're capable of and you know what you can give. Be kind to yourself.

The most important thing, though, is to not be angry at them. You will never be able to heal if you focus on the hurt they caused. Maybe they're sorry for it, maybe they're not. Maybe they were supposed to do better. Maybe they don't realise the pain they're causing you. But that's not something you should care about right now. Keep the good memories, respect and cherish what they were able to give you and when the rage comes give it direction and channel it towards something you can benefit from (I don't mean go around punching strangers, I mean go for a run, draw, write a short story, whatever helps you release your negative energy).

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Own the change

Something happened, something painful you had no control over and there is no way to undo it.

No one likes negative changes, but you can't fight it and if you can't fight it you might as well own it. Roll with it.

You have to take control of yourself now, cause you don't have that person you shared your body and your personality with anymore. You are your own "owner". Take advantage of the fun that comes from this new freedom: get a haircut, hit the gym, pick up a new hobby. Whatever makes you feel a little bit more "you" and a little bit less "us".

Use this change to fix things you don't like about yourself - it doesn't have to be something major, just something that gives a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  

Maybe you can't find the motivation to do it for yourself and you'll do some of these things hoping that the other person will notice, Gatsby-style: if it does the trick go for it (but don't obsess over it like Gatsby did).

On the long run you will do these things cause you like to do them and your goal will shift into a more self-centered one. 
I don't really believe in getting a revenge body and stuff, cause it's entirely possible that you'll never meet your ex again. But even if you don't, working towards new things will boost your ego a little bit and will give you a sense of novelty. Life goes on and the time you're not spending with them can be constructive. Find your own thing.

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It’s not wasted

Don’t consider the time you spent with this person wasted. Yes, you could have invested it in other relationships that might have been successful, but that doesn't mean that this one wasn't. Just because it's over it doesn't mean it was completely useless: it gave you good memories, you enjoyed most of it (hopefully), it changed you, it helped you grow and it’s up to you now to make it into something good. You invested a lot of time and energy into this person and now she is just gone. Is she, though? You probably acquired some of the traits of your ex without even realizing it: do like Rogue in X-Men and keep the good ones for yourself. 

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Don’t freeze time

I know it feels impossible now not to think about the breakup, but if it’s the only thing you focus on, time will never pass. Do not ignore your feelings, but when you feel completely hopeless shift your focus to something you have control over and invest your time in it. It could be something small like going for a walk, watching a movie*, talking with somebody (possibly not about your ex), reading a new book, whatever gives you the feeling that the breakup is not the only thing that's going on in your life.

Don't force your healing but remember you don't have to suffer constantly. Take breaks from it and allow yourself to feel a little bit relieved; I found myself feeling guilty days after the breakup because I wasn't completely miserable every single minute and that kind of reasoning doesn't benefit anyone. Your ex would want you to be fine, so why not work towards that direction? 

* mandatory list of movies that could help you now: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 500 Days of Summer, High Fidelity, Swingers, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Chicago, 50/50, Her, Annie Hall, Scott Pilgrim, any movie where the love story goes to shit that makes you go "At least I don't have to deal with this shit anymore" (Revolutionary Road, Blue Valentine, etc). Feel free to add, cause I'm running out!

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Will she come back?

I don't know. The internet doesn't know. Your friends don't know, so if you're pestering them with this question stop it. Maybe they can be supportive, but don't become a broken disk, they can't provide answers. Don't relive memories of your love story with them, cause 1. it wasn't their love story, they wouldn't get it 2. you're in their company, cherish that instead of implying you'd rather be with your ex.

So no one knows if she'll be back. Chances are neither does your ex. Maybe she wants to but she can't. Maybe she doesn't. You can't know and there's no point in dwelling in it until the situation cools down.

If it makes you feel any better she probably misses you and is as miserable as you are, but what good does it do to you to know that? You broke up, you gave up on all the beautiful things you had and the consequence of it is that she doesn't get to be in your life. She doesn't get to know how you feel now. Your feelings are your business and your business only. Same goes for hers.

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No one will ever love her like I did - So?

Really? How can you possibly know that? Maybe she'll never find someone as loyal/handsome/funny/kinky/kind/whatever as you, but that implies that at some level you think they don't deserve another shot at happiness and that's a petty consideration about someone you loved. The road is long, people find love in their 80s, who's to say you were the best for each other?

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Off the pedestal

If you managed to not fill yourself with rage and disappointment towards your ex you might be tempted to idealise them, especially if you rushed into dating again. No one can compare to them, everyone else is just dull and you were incredibly stupid for having lost them. They are irreplaceable, they are The One. Are they, though? Are they really that smart, that good, that sexy? Or were they ok, maybe slightly above average, and you were looking at them through rose tinted glasses? I'm not saying you should wear shit tinted glasses and start considering them a pile of scum - they made you happy for a while, you surely had something valuable and you should keep the good memories intact. 

But don't build a fantasy version of them in your head: you are just as good as them, probably even better in some aspects. Get your friends' help for a reality check, maybe they have some wise insights about the person you consider perfect.

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Stop stalking! (that much)

I promise you're eventually gonna stop naturally, but force yourself and try to resist it. I was constantly worried about my ex well-being and I kept on checking her "last seen on" to check that she was still alive. It was illogical of me, cause if something happened someone would have told me. Stop worrying about their well-being, it could cost you your mental health and you're the only person in charge of that. It's a nasty habit, it's time consuming and it's pointless.

If you're doing it because you feel you would have more control over what happened if you knew what they're doing, who they're going out with, where they are - just don't. It's a daily reminder of what happened and it'd make you weaker, not stronger. If you can't get over the fact that it's over and your mind is set on getting them back just think about a potential encounter with them in the future: what would you have to tell about how you spent your days? All the time wasted online, trying to pry on them instead of becoming more interesting, more attractive, more pleasant? 

If you absolutely can't resist it, dose it: I'll check her profile just once a day, then just once a week, etc. I promise you days and weeks will become months until you'll stop checking it at all cause you will just kind of forget about it. It's a natural transition, but help yourself and practice some self-discipline to speed up the process.

Just in case

The way you handle things is completely on you, the intensity you feel things... sadly not so much. If you feel like you can't cope with what's happening please consider therapy (keep in mind there are also free therapy options).

Just in case you take it really hard and you start having weird thoughts, I'm gonna repost a thing I read here. However you feel now, nothing is permanent, not even pain. And even if you feel useless and just wrong, remember there's always something good you can do with your life. You might not see it now, but there is. Remember to be kind to yourself and others. Here's the post:

"We're all lights in the darkness for one another.

When one of those lights goes out, it makes it that much more dark for the rest of us.

The human eye can see a single candle from four miles away. You never know when your light is the only light someone can see."

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I'm typing all of this wearing a tank top and pajama pants, torn between going back to bed pining over her and doing a workout. Sometimes you just feel halfway, and that's okay. Halfway is still on the way.