I've ridden the recovery train for like a month and I'd like to get off now please

I'm tired of feeling dirty. That's what eating makes me feel. Filthy. Uncomfortable in myself. Wrong.

Not eating is like taking a shower after long day of working in boiling heat. I'm clean again. I look better. I feel better.

I've gained 300 grams of filth and dirt and I just want it gone. I'd really love to just turn to dust and crumble away like some less dramatic Voldemort. Goal weight is a teaspoon of human ash.