Hotel Hotel
Tell me 1 to 5 how do you feel?
Is this really your last meal?
And did you really really steal,
So tell me how you feel
Unreal, unreal
Posted Jun 7, 2019, 2:32 PM UTC
719
My original reaction to this poem was that it had nothing to do with a hotel at all, but someone who was on death-row for a crime, potentially stealing. I imagined this person getting interviewed by someone hoping it wasn't the truth, unable to face the fact that this person had a few last moments and trying to pick their brain is if it could somehow change the outcome, though not truly relating to the other person by asking rather detached questions. Clinical, even. (1 to 5 how do you feel?) Reminds me of the chart at the hospital, where you rate your pain based on a number and an animated face in various forms of wincing.
By reading the other comments, I can see that this is not what the poem was actually about, though it did evoke a bigger picture to me, nonetheless. I enjoy repetition in poetry and use it quite often myself, as I think the mind stuck in a highly emotional state can be repetitive. Not to mention, it's vague enough to have the reader experience said emotion through their own lens - even if, like in my case, that experience is completely different than what the author was trying to convey- which is the very beauty of poetry: to evoke an empathetic emotional response. I liked it, just think if you were trying to drive home a specific narrative and story it could've used a few more specific indicative factors.
1
No you're right actually. It really does not have anything to do with hotels. I just called it Hotel Hotel because it felt like an aggrivating title. I'm not sure why anyone would be on death row for stealing though. I definitely did not intend it to be interpreted that way. I just used theft as an analogy for wrongdoing in general. Yeah that first line is the only thing I would have changed because you hit the nail on the head there. I wouldn't have included more specific indicators, but rather less. I sort of write like this even though technically I guess you really aren't suppose to, but this one came out more vague than usual even, probably because of the music I was listening to. It's that first line that bothers me the most because it's too easy to decipher what that is refering to.
I added question marks for when the answer is either maybe or no but the third line which is also a question I left a comma because the answer is yes. I guess it doesn't really work and I'm starting to see more of the imperfections here.
The second line I think is also quite out of place, it sort of confuses the locale but what I was going for was no locale. Looking at ot now, I'm not sure if it takes place in a hotel or a prison, which I feel could be illustrated more by showing rather than telling, which I didn't really do. Yikes, I am being harsher on my own than I feel like the comments are being.
1
The rhymes are so obvious, and so constant that the point, and message of the poem is lost amidst the constant "feel/meal" et cetera. It could work, I suppose, but I'd expand upon the poem, because at present, I don't get much from it.
That's because you arent staying in a hotel. I can't do that because if it we're more complex it wouldn't be as monotonous. Maybe it could be, but I would have no idea how to do that and still have it be as bleak as feel/steal/meal/unreal. The point I guess is that there isn't one. It's literally just about a hotel, which is boring. Boredom is a psychologically destructive force. Also I just really liked The Shining and I am staying in a hotel by myself for an entire month due to circumstances I cant really get into. I actually can come up with complex rhymes but I deliberately left them out here to illustrate monotony. The only other way I can think of to do that is just to not have anything rhyme at all, which I don't think would work because then it would sound like prose. Yeah I know it's crazy.
I guess this is sort of terrible on purpose. I guess the point was that hotels are bad, so this is a bad poem.
I personally like it but for some reason I read it as did you try to steal. I would also like to see more of a story here, if not in another poem. I think poetry is perfect for that. I also think that monotonous doesn't have to be short, it can definitely be long. I'm not always a fan of repetition but I feel it would fit here with the routine I assume you may be in right now. It reminds me of my own hotel experiences and has inspired me. Good job :)
I did not ad a question mark after the word steal because the answer is an implied yes as they usually have complimentary things like cucumber water or milk cartons in the morning. The question was meant to be "did you do something wrong" to which the answer is literally always "yes".
I see. I still feel you could add some bulk to your sentences and still sound monotonous and not complex/still subtle. This poem just leaves me wanting more to the story. I love rawness. This is reddit, which means you can stay anonymous :)