"Wound"
The paramedics
are doing all that they can.
The man bleeds;
he bleeds and the bleeding
does not cease.
It is incarnadining
everything.
The blood is leaving
the pavement carmine.
Later, the crew that cleans
would clear the scene,
But the man thinks
he's dirtied it permanently.
The paramedics
have done all that they can.
The man beams:
"Well, at least
it isn't raining."
...
(Bullet points indicate a new stanza, sorry for crappy formatting. Thanks in advance.)
Posted Jun 9, 2019, 5:43 PM UTC
54
Positive: are you implying wounds heal in time and we worry for no reason?
Critique: too many, "all, that, the, and"
Suggested solution:
Paramedics are doing what they can
man bleeds;
he bleeds,
bleeding does not cease
or maybe
man bleeds;
paramedics are doing what they can
he bleeds;
bleeding does not cease
Thank you for the feedback! I don't think it'd quite flow if I removed those words - I also intended for the penultimate and the first stanzas to rhyme so it wouldn't quite fit if I wrote about the paramedics after the man bleeding. However, I appreciate the comment and I'll think about trying to avoid repetition in other poems.
I disagree, I think the repetition shows that the blood is the subject, the thing the narrator is caught up on. The very essence that he will leave behind is his violent demise. He has no control over it, and neither do the paramedics. The blood keeps pouring out, the last moment of life stretched for too long, it repeats and the only real fact is this: the blood. He's looking at the sky above him as this moment drags on, and he is relieved. He can see the beauty in disaster. At least his last moment stretched out for eternity does also include rain falling in his face.
I think it's beautiful. I like poems written like this, that capture a microscopic moment that is monumental to the narrator. Good job!
This comment is so thoughtful and nice, thank you so much - I appreciate it!