After finally reaching a point where I feel like I have recovered, depression has caught back up with me.

Some context: This past year has been my junior year of high school and to say the least it was the worst year of my life. November brought the end of the football season which was the really the only thing keeping my spirits high, the on the drive home from our final game of the season I cried for the first time in like 5 years, and now I practically tear up every night before I go to bed. Continuing, school started really picking up during this time, I’m in a super-rigorous International Baccalaureate program so I consistently had 4-5 hours of homework every night and tests every week. Suddenly I was pulling all-nighters consistently to get all my shit done my mental health went to shit, and was constantly anxious, I had my first panic attack the night before turning in a 40 page paper. I decided I had enough by the end of mid terms, I talked to the school counselors about dropping out of the program despite having all A’s, but they told me dropping out of the program would look terrible on college apps and I really didn’t have much of a choice other than to tough it out. Then, in January one of my closest friends that I had been planning on asking out for a few months started dating someone else, I panicked and sent her text explaining how I felt and that It would be inappropriate for me to keep being this close with her and that I would need some space for a bit. I don’t have feeling for her anymore but I still haven’t talked her 6 months later. I talked to my parents about mental health therapy after I got diagnosed by my doctor with adjustment disorder and major depressive disorder, but I never ended up going through with it because I never had the time. So for another quarter and a half I just continued slogging through life anxious depressed and suicidal, but always telling myself “just get to the end of the year and it will be ok.”

And now we are here, the end of the year, I did well on my finals, months of hard work payed off with a 4.0 GPA, my future looks bright, spring football drills started up and I’m loving playing ball with my friends, I have no reason to be depressed. For the past month I’ve finally felt happy again.

But driving home from a scrimmage last Friday, all those emotions from last November came rushing back to me. But this time it was worse, I didn’t have something to point at as a source for my feeling, just a sinking feeling in my chest, just pure despair, but got absolutely no reason. I’ve been crying pretty much whenever I’m alone now, I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to, when I first had depression I talked to a two of my friends about it, but bringing it back up again would make me feel like I’m just asking for attention.

The worst part is, after I finally began recollecting some of my self confidence, 5 of my friends told me at the end of the year that I was becoming rude condescending and abrasive. And that just hit me like a truck, like if I’m if I’m not depressed am I just an asshole? Two girls told me this during lunch, just started going off on me and I felt it really hard, normally I’m not one to show a lot of emotion but I just kind of broke down, I quietly apologized and put my head down, just tried to collect my self. One of the girls asked the other “is he kidding” the other responded no “no he is just fucking with you.” The worst part was is that the second girls was someone who helped me through my first experience with depression, and hear her say that I was faking me emotions just destroyed my self image.

So here I am, with social anxiety and depression with no reason to be that way.

Fuck