A wasp masquerading as a bee
Drawn here by the sweet scent of
The lavender bushes
The honey dripping from your lips
Distracted me
And while I was looking at you
That wasp stung my palm
You watched and laughed
As my fingers turned red
A wasp masquerading as a bee
I'm new here, I hope it this follows the right format
Posted Jul 3, 2019, 8:00 PM UTC · edited
I really like the wording, I think it's a cool concept and definitely interesting to read. The lines were pretty consistent in length and the rhythm is really cool.
What examples of wording? What’s the concept? How does the rhythm and line length contribute to the poem?
Well, as far as examples of wording, "The honey dripping from your lips" and "Drawn here by the sweet scent of the lavender bushes" 'dripping honey' giving clear an image, and 'drawn' gives a pleasant connotation, it sounds unforced and shows a person being lured into something they think is beautiful. The general concept of a wasp pretending to be a bee, perhaps to draw in the subject of the story which might parallel the person the writer is referring to as they laughed with the subject of the story was fooled and stung by the wasp. As far as line, length, and rhythm, at the beginning of the poem the words seemed to flow together, groupings of words ending on separate lines and seeming to melt together into a beautiful scene, in the second half when the subject is stung, there is one clause per line, this makes it seem blunt and harsh to show the subjects pain as they realize that not everything was how they thought it was originally and the wasp was pretending to be a sweet honey bee all along. Of course, this is only how I interpret it, I could be completely wrong. Have my answers satisfied you?
Thank you. I think that answer will definitely satisfy the author. I wasn’t trying to be annoying, but I just thought you could add to your feedback.
No, thank you, I'll try to add to my feedback and think a bit more about it when I comment.
I love this poem a lot. Like I can’t express how much I love it. My only criticism/suggestion would be to keep the “long long short” pattern going that you had with the first few lines. I liked that rhythm (regardless of actual syllabic count).
I love that "the honey dripping from your lips distracted me." What an incredible poem! The only thing I would change is the last line, maybe make it something more... Gripping? If that makes sense lol. But I think it's wonderful:)
How’s is the poem incredible? How is the last line not gripping? Does the piece work effectively in other places? Why do you love the line you mentioned?
I really dig the concept here, and I was intrigued immediately by the title. I think lines 2-5...
...are by far the strongest section of the poem.
It might just be my personal preference, but I think you could use more subtlety elsewhere. You might even consider leaving the title out of the body of the poem. Since you’re expressing a form of subverted expectations, I think it makes great sense to give the reader a parallel moment of “Oh! That’s what that means!”
This is spot on. I was also drawn in by the title and was disappointed to see it in the poem - take it out of the title and leave it in the poem but not both haha.
The bit that was quoted by jits also is reminiscent of the pattern in 'I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud' very satisfying to read.
Thanks, appreciate the feedback!
Thanks so much for the feedback! I definitely agree, I think either the title or the lines "A wasp masquerading as a bee" need to go for the sake of subtlety and to avoid too much repetition in such a short poem. Appreciate it!