Thunderstorm
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Posted Jul 7, 2019, 10:37 AM UTC · edited
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I absolutely adore some of the imagery here, and I love the way it feels like it's come out all of a sudden, almost like a sudden thunderstorm in Summer. A few of the lines don't flow as well as they could, but I think just reading it aloud may help you to fix up some of the lines where the syllables don't quite flow as wonderfully as they almost do, if that makes sense, all in all, really impressive and I thoroughly enjoyed.
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No stress! I'd be so keen to hear more of your work :)
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Oh my God! I feel so overwhelmed reading this! It's actually raining outside and OP what you've just done (IMO) is just remarkable. The comparison of relationships to such a brilliant and my favorite natural phenomena. I am at a loss of words. There are people who'll give a detailed review or feedback here, but my brain just went in an awe. This is breathtaking! You're breathtaking!
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An Unique work and an unique username, Haha. You're always welcomed!
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This is so beautiful OP...it reminded me of Bon Iver in a very good way
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Dear God, that is beautiful. Bravo!
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very good poem the rhyming is very good and I had a lot of fun reading it
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The imagery is wonderful! It puts me in such a specific place, like I can smell the rain. I also love the phrasing of “I fell awake,” how it sounds like an accident that you’d awoken.
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I was honestly confused by the positive comments of other folks here. The moment I see grammar is shit without any purpose or reason beyond rhyming, I dislike it. Rhymes are not that important! If they do not come naturally, they should not exist in the first place! Strongest × self-conscious would work if you had not used 'self-conscious' as a noun when it is an adjective. The noun is 'self-consciousness'! This is just the second line and, oh, I can go on listing why 85% of your rhymes do not work, but I honestly cringe too much from this. Sorry I could not be more helpful, but I seem to be the only one trying to give any proper criticism here (in the sense of, other folks only had nice things to say), so maybe you won't give a shit about me even.
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I think for the specific effect OP has gone for here, the rhyming is actually important for how they want it to flow. I think poetic license in poetry is similar to suspension of disbelief in other mediums. Whilst I agree that rhyming isn't inherently crucial to writing good poetry, utilising it as OP has here in a poem specifically about connection is an important part of the story they are trying to tell. I think rather than being overly critical as you have here, and dismissing the work entirely is counter-productive to even what you want to achieve, unless that is to just come off as a dick. Yes it's unpolished and some of they rhymes do feel a little forced, but none of that can't be changed without subtle reworking, rather than the bin it approach you've gone for.
TL;DR: Think about the medium, and don't be a dick
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I think in a poem about connection, which is the underlying theme here, rhyming can be used as a means of phonetically illustrating the theme. OP has possibly gone overboard, and maybe the effect may have been stronger only rhyming certain lines. In particular I think
"Slow fingers tangled in your hair, as soft raindrops fell on you,
I knew our night had just appeared, and I knew you felt it too.
Pollen smudged ‘cross your ball cap, bonfire smoke soaked your sweatshirt,
Always been less than about half, so a fresh stoke throws me in headfirst."
And
" Moth drawn to your flame, thoughts flooding, countdowns pushed time through skylights,
Gone against the grain I lost footing, but gained mutual insight."
Have significantly more power in the poem for reason of having rhymed
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I seriously did not intend to be a dick, I just genuinely feel the way OP wrote was terrible. Nice brute idea, but I cannot get past some of the phrasing and the vast majority of the rhymes. I do believe poetic license is a thing and I certainly defend its existence, but I do not think it is justified for the sake of a bunch of bad rhymes. I seriously have an aversion to this piece, my goal was not to just be a jerk.
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I understand that, but idk just the way you phrased it kinda grinded my gears. Sorry if I came across as brash as well. I think maybe pointing out some specific lines that you didn't really like might be more helpful to the OP than just blanket dislike. Anyway, each unto their own I suppose, and I guess that's one of the wonderful things about art, we can each have our likes and dislikes :)
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That's true, I will try to point clear lines.
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I am trying my best to see how the rhyming aids the poem in any way, but I cannot. It serves no purpose, in my view. And some of the phrases are so bad, I cannot stomach them.
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Then there should have been a comma, as in "self, conscious". Still fucked up.
I noticed the hip hop background and that is hardly something I disregard. People like Logic and Watsky are huge inspirations to me, and Watsky, for example, likes to play with sounds, pronunciation, and rhymes. But the way you rhymed and played around in your piece was completely obnoxious to me because I think it is not nearly as thought out as Watsky's more complex poetry, for example. It just doesn't work for me, but, granted, I am a very picky person when it comes to art. Rhyme all you want, but do it in a smart way, think, overthink, reflect on your choice of words.
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If you want to write around rhymes, it has to be well thought out. Writing and naturally reaching rhymes is a safer bet and you can do so and end up with nice hip hop, too!
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I did not mean to say you are not smart, I just said your poem is not well-written or well thought out. A lot of the rhymes make no sense, and some of the comparisons you made for the sake of rhyming are entirely out of nowhere. That is why I do not like it and that is what I mean when I say you need to reflect on your choice of words.
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Never commented here but saw this on my feed and started reading and it actually held me.
Love the rhyme transfers, love the originality, some great lines-- "our night spinning my self-conscious" "stars without anything to prove", "please forgive my damaged seams" "thunderstorms rewrote arrangements". There are words and syllables I'd remove or move to help it flow better, some lines that need to be adjusted to help smooth it out (ie I'd go with "I'll lay together if we can dream" instead of what you have now) but overall this is a solid fucking effort and bursting with sincerity and passion. It feels like it must've come out pretty quick.
This poem actually took me somewhere. Rain and night on fire with youth.
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