Celestial

Feedback Received!

​

You know I can’t swim, and that the waters are deep,

yet you sing it like a hymn, and lull me to take the leap

​

In my murky skies, your ambers dawn, thawing and melting into pastel crayon

So when in you, I find my safe haven, in my crystal heart your name I carven

​

It melts through my frozen core, shattering and bursting, like a sea raven

Seconds pass, and I'm six feet under, drowning and gasping for air and I wonder -

​

Perhaps it was all makeshift chemistry,

a falsity in our physical anatomy,

seducing us with the pure melody,

of a thumping heart injected in ecstasy,

a mere dysfunction in our biology

​

I search, and search, and search for you,

but all I see is arctic blue

​

Perhaps I liked how you looked at me,

the way you did, with your cocoa brown eyes,

like I am pure, and magic, and sunlit skies

​

My baby, you said you’d keep me afloat, you said you’d guard me in your trimaran boat,

but you took everything and left me in desolation, waiting, and waiting, as the torrent clutched my throat,

thrashing and crashing, enraged, and unsought - until drenched in sea foam and azote,

I picked up the pieces and dragged my broken body ashore

​

Yesterday: I grew gills, and I chased other thrills,

but the coldness of my heart only grew,

because despite it all, I'd never belong to anyone, but you

​

But today I think:

You were nothing but cloudy lies,

of smoky tendrils interlacing my demise

​

In sand and salt, I found my salvation,

creating an asylum in my own pulsation,

twisting and turning in mutation,

spiny branches swaying and morphing in alteration,

with canary flowers blooming in my heart,

hardening, softening, and breaking me apart

​

Baby, I'm a celestial star doomed to lead you obscure,

perhaps exploding balls of gas wasn’t my allure

You seek earth - full of flora and fauna - perhaps I am mine, and you are yours

Perhaps we are merely, and simply, abundantly ours

​

(1), (2)

Posted Jul 16, 2019, 8:06 AM UTC · edited

2826
Zead_Sama•

You left me in awe

What was once

Frosted red lines

Was rusted eyes

Your art

Brought the thaw

And lead to

The frost's demise

Now the river flows

On my wet shirt

But something inside

Glows under the dirt

4
[deleted]•

♡⊂(´・◡・⊂ )∘˚˳°

3
Zead_Sama•

That's cute hahaha

3
[deleted]•

YOU'RE cute

3
Zead_Sama•

No YOU are

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

2
[deleted]•

I'm sorry, hahah thank you

2

this piece reflects how complicated relationships can be. i enjoyed it.

2
[deleted]•

I don't know. I think the complication lies with the people and that reflects throughout the relationship, depending on where you're at, personally-

If that makes sense.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

2
p_writingnerd•

This poem is so complex, but its like every single line brings something new to the table and it fits together and tells a story so well. The last line sort of breaks the rhyme, which somehow I feel makes this piece so much more perfect because its almost breaking the fake vision, as if whomever you were writing about had a realization. Quite a stunning piece, super good! :-)

2
[deleted]•

Thank you so much, lovely! Your kind words mean a lot (灬º‿º灬)❤️

2
ABQ-TIGANI•

May i ask, how do you practice being original, and creative? I'm finding it difficult after writing too many pieces

2
[deleted]•

AW sjhrhfhd ;-; I don't know how to respond to that.

I guess I usually just let my feelings carry me? I draw metaphors and analogies from here and there that reflect those feelings. I don't really stick to themes, I think, but for example if I feel messy about something that might translate in my writing. I don't know if this is of any use to you, I'm sorry.

Music, books, cinema - they help too, for me personally. I make some references here and there.

2
JackOfTrading•

The first half feels almost like a song, with a rhyme scheme that pushes it along, but towards the middle it seems to get muddied.

That could be intentional, as I felt lost right around "Yesterday:". Almost like the piece was heading towards a breakdown of sorts, and that ended up pulling me along to the finale.

All in all, the imagery is vibrant and the scheme is cleverly surprising in a lot of places, and the only changes I could recommend would be another pass of editing to pick out the bottom-line phrases and trim some of the rest.

In the first few lines, for example: "Yet you sing a hymn, and lull me to leap" If you want the more flowery phrasing, feel free to disregard this, but I think slight tightening up could help your piece push the reader along the whole way, rather than losing momentum towards the middle.

Soulful and cosmic, overall beautiful work. :)

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
[deleted]•

I'm so happy you noticed that. I actually posted this a while back, and someone pointed out how contradictory it was with the imagery I was building, when in truth, I wasn't. I didn't really have a particular theme in place.

Everything is, as you said, "muddied" and all over the place - land, sea, space - because that's how I felt. I was building on that messy, twisting feeling through logic, science, and metaphors, and that's why it seems to gain and lose momentum here and there. I'm very happy that came across.

Thank you for your kind words and feedback! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

1
Casual_Gangster•

Hey! Unfortunately, I noticed that your feedback is low effort. Poems that link to low effort feedback will be removed at mod discretion. We expect every linked feedback to show at least some effort on your part. You don’t have to be a poetry expert, or write out a whole dissertation. However, we do want to see you explain your feelings toward the poem and then explain them with evidence. Giving quality feedback/critique is one of the best ways to grow as a writer! This rule was created to benefit the whole of the community as well as the individual writers. Here is a handy link to help you improve your feedback, Feedback Guidelines.

If you want your poem to be restored PM me with proof that you have linked high effort feedback to your post.

Also, be sure to check out this subs amazing poetic resources to help you grow as a writer: Poetry Primer, and Bad Poetry.

1
[deleted]•

Oh, my bad. I'll check out the guidelines and try to reconstruct them respectively.

1
theselfmademan2014•

I really dig this! It really shows how complicated relationships and us simply as humans are. I think my favorite part was "Yesterday: I grew gills, and I chased other thrills". This really struck me because I'm dealing with a toxic relationship and when I made it out for a short period it definitely felt like I "grew gills". That line induces a sort of sense of hope and I really love and appreciate that.

1
[deleted]•

Thank you. I'm happy you found some solace.

"Growing gills" for me meant adapting to the waters, or the depression in the abandonment.

For you it could mean adapting to the toxicity of the relationship.

Pay attention to stanzas 9-10.

You can find salvation in yourself. You don't need him to be fulfilled, you have everything you need in yourself. Sure, you can never be the same again, but you can be something better. Something soft, and hard, and beautiful. ( ◜‿◝ )♡

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
[deleted]•

I'm glad.

1
SleepyGhostIsMe•

Nah its cool, your writing is really good. I write some poems as well but there not verry good. You're verry talented and gifted!

1
[deleted]•

What did you mean by "nah it's cool" ? 😯

I don't think I'm very good either tbh, painfully mediocre maybe, definitely not gifted hahah.

Thank you for saying that tho, and as they say, practice makes perfect right?

1
SleepyGhostIsMe•

Idk why i put nah its cool but you're good at putting thoughts and emotions into a peice

1
[deleted]•

Well, thank you hahah

2
melt_together•

Poetry that hurts to read. Lovely work.

In my murky skies, your ambers dawn, thawing and melting into pastel crayon

This is an example of something you do really well -- color.

My only problem is how it feels kinda aimless, you get broken up with, you find strength, grow gills, yet you still keep of coming back. Everything else is amazing, the plot kind frustrates me though.

1
[deleted]•

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I strongly emphasize color because I express my moods with it. That's why I can't fixate on a favorite color, and change my hair so often.

Personally, "growing gills" meant adapting to the waters. It didn't mean letting go. It just meant adapting to the situation and finding other passions, seeking other thrills, or in other words just avoiding it, when really I hadn't moved on yet - "the coldness of my heart only grew, because I'd never belong to anyone but you".

The real shit came later, in the last three stanzas. That's when she finally grows, finds refuge in herself, and comes to terms with everything - who she is, who he is, how he seeks something she isn't, how they don't fit together, and how people don't really belong to anyone else but themselves.

I hope that clears up my direction for you.

1