Midsommar Starring Larry David

I don't know what possessed me to write this but I thought I'd share it here.

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INT. APARTMENT--BROOKLYN

Christian: Guys, Larry’s coming upstairs. I invited him to Sweden, but he’s not gonna come.

Josh & Mark: You what?

Mark: Why would you do that?

Christian: He’s been feeling down lately. I thought, I don’t know--

Mark: Of course he’s feeling down! That’s his schtick!

Josh: Do you really think it’s a good idea to have him around another culture? He struggles with New York culture and he practically invented that.

Christian: It’s fine. He’s not gonna come. I just thought it would be nice to invite him.

[Larry enters]

Pelle, Josh & Mark: Hey, Larry! Good to see you!

Mark: Christian, can you look over this paragraph?

[Mark and Christian go to a different room. Josh goes into the kitchen]

Larry: Hey.

Pelle: Hello, Larry.

Larry: So, let me ask you something. You’re always sketching things, the table, the books...Why don’t you just take pictures? Or draw something interesting? “Oh, there’s a table, I want to preserve this image in my head forever, but I really want to work for it.”

[Pelle smiles politely]

Pelle: I heard you might be coming to Sweden to my family’s midsummer festival.

Larry: Nah. Too much daylight. Not a fan.

Pelle: What do you mean, too much daylight?

Larry: Who wants that much sunshine? It’s bright, people want you to go outside...

Pelle: It is good for the emotions.

Larry: Feh.

Pelle: Feh? What is feh?

Larry: It’s, you know, feh.

Pelle: Larry, you are a great friend, and it would mean a lot if you came.

~~~~

INT. CAR--SWEDEN

Mark: Swedish babes are so hot!

Larry: Can you tone it down a bit?

Mark: Tone what down?

Larry: The whole “sex guy” thing. It’s a bit much.

Mark: It’s just who I am.

Larry: Maybe you would get laid more if you, I don’t know, tried a different thing.

Mark: You’re such an asshole. Fuck you, you bald fuck.

EXT. HALSINGLAND

*Pelle idles up to a LARGE GRASSY MEADOW. It’s lush, impossibly green - magical. About fifty YOUNG PEOPLE (teens to twenties) lounge about. Tents and camping equipment abound. Many of the women are dressed in traditional white dresses and don floral garland crowns. Some of the men look like 19th century farmers.

Larry: This looks like a cult. Is this a cult?

Pelle: (laughing) Larry! You are a jokester.

Larry: I’m not joking. Is this a cult?

Pelle: No!

Larry: That’s exactly what someone in a cult would say.

Pelle: So someone who is not in a cult would say it is a cult?

Larry: It’s my understanding, and I could be wrong, that organizations that are not cults do not generally get asked if they are a cult.

Pelle: So then once asked, there is no way good way of answering.

Larry: Ehh...

Pelle: I understand how it would seem like a cult from an outsider’s perspective.

Larry: OK, OK, you can be in a cult if you want, but you’re not gonna try to indoctrinate me, are you?

Pelle: Of course not!

Larry: Because, believe me, you do not want me in your cult.

Pelle: I believe you.

Larry: So promise me: no sales pitches, no timeshare presentations, none of that.

Pelle: I promise.

[Larry does his Truth Staredown]

Larry: OK…

*On our group’s way to the Main House, they pass a CAGED BEAR.

Larry: So we’re just gonna ignore the bear, then.

Ingemar: It’s a bear.

Larry: Hold on. You can’t just say “it’s a bear” and expect me to move on. What’s it doing in there? Where did you get a bear from? Is that cage even stable?

Ingemar: The bear is not important.

Larry: If it’s not important, I don’t know why you’d have one.

Ingemar: It is tradition.

Larry: Tradition, tradition. I feel like I’m in Aryan Fiddler. Tradition is having a Christmas tree or lighting a menorah. I don’t know any traditions that involve a bear.

Ingemar: Our cultures are different.

Larry: Hey, aren’t you an anthropologist? Don’t you want to know why there’s a bear here?

Josh: I do, but I also want to respect the people that are having us here as guests.

Larry: Oh, look at you. People like you are why Jonestown happened. And Scientology.

[Josh rolls his eyes and walks away]

Pelle: I know our customs seem strange, but hopefully you will realize that we are harmless. Can I offer you a drink? It will calm your nerves.

Larry: There’s no way in hell I’m drinking anything here.

Pelle: You will dehydrate.

Larry: I think that’s preferable to whatever you guys got planned.

INT. BEDROOM --NIGHT

Pelle: So tomorrow is Attestupa…

Larry: Attestupa? Is that some sort of crazy cult ritual?

Pelle: Attestupa is a ritual of great honor.

Larry: Is it like a bar mitzvah or…

Josh, smirking: You’ll see.

Larry: What? What? What is it?

Josh: Good night.

Larry: Oh, don’t do that! That’s such a dick move! “Oh, look at me, I pay $200,000 for an Anthropology degree just so I can be a smug douchebag.

EXT. CLIFF-NEXT DAY

*Two elderly men have been carried to the top of a CLIFF overlooking the beach. Their chairs are SET DOWN near the precipice. They are placed beside freshly carved (and impressively sized) RUNE STONES.

Larry, squinting: So, what are they doing up there? They’re not gonna jump, are they?

Josh: Shh.

*The elderly man LEAPS OFF THE PRECIPICE.The man plummets 200 feet to LAND FATALLY on the jagged rocks below. Upon impact, a FLOCK OF BIRDS ALIGHTS from a tree.

Larry: Woah! What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

Siv: Please, Larry, let us explain. Life is four seasons--

Larry: Yeah, yeah, birth to 18 is spring, 18 to 36 is summer, 72 you jump off a cliff. I’m 72, you want me to jump off a cliff?

Odd: A bit, yeah.

Siv: It is a great honor to come to death on your own terms. *The man who jumped, his name was Olof. And the baby who is not yet born will inherit his name. He will be Olof. It is a circle. A re-cycle.

Larry: You’re gonna name a kid Olof? I’m done here. Do you guys have Uber here? Lyft?

Odd: No, we disagree with their labor practices.

Larry: I will pay anyone to get me out of here. No offense.

Siv: The last train for the day has left. It is advisable if you sleep here. Maybe in the morning, you will see things from a new perspective. If not, we will happily drive you to the station.

Larry: You guys are gonna kill me, aren’t you.

Siv: Don’t be silly.

Larry: Just tell me: is it a weird death? Is there, uh, vivisection involved? I would prefer no vivisection. If you’re gonna cut me open, I would prefer that to happen after I’m dead. I’m not sure how much I can request, but I’m very squeamish.

Odd, exasperated: Let’s just go back.

EXT. HALSINGLAND - LATER

Larry is wandering around the meadow and notices his fly is open.

Larry: And now this. Great.

He hides behind a tree and struggles to get his zipper up. Ulf runs towards him, screaming.

Ulf, in Swedish: You pissed on my tree!

Larry: What’s going on?

Ulf: You pissed! My family tree!

Pelle approaches and stands between them.

Pelle: He says you pissed on the tree.

Larry: Piss? No piss, no piss! Zip! I was zipping!

He tries to mime zipping up his pants, but it really just looks like a lewd gesture. Ulf wails.

Pelle: It’s his family tree. It’s very sacred to him.

Larry: Tell him I didn’t piss! I didn’t piss on the tree!

[A menacing crowd circles around Larry. The Curb Your Enthusiasm theme starts playing]

*Taken from the Midsommar script