Source
r/OCPoetry•
tellthestars

Holding my breath

Feedback Received!

I stood still and yet I ran. Time held my hand; pulling me forth while I refused all her plans.

My wrists weak from twisting, bruised to the bone. She whispered my name as she labeled my soul.

Every time it was spoken, she stared with sorrowful eyes. Begging me to acknowledge that holding my breath would never stop time.

My life spread out raw, across decades, months, and days; I've traced all the lines, but the picture remains incomplete.

Picking up the fragments. Learning of my fate.

Is it me who's made these choices?

Or am I just an endless loop of sordid days?

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cjzklm/in_the_summer_eating_oranges_stolen_from_the_grove/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cjh0i8/muddled_ink/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Jul 31, 2019, 5:43 AM UTC

911
tomatomoth•

I enjoyed this a lot. The first sentence really drew me in with the personification of time. I like the way youre keeping that theme and manage to make this personal to your experience, too. Ending with questions is great to make the reader think more about your message and I think you managed to put a new twist on this kind of theme.

I like the flow, too, however I stumbled at the "incomplete". Maybe have another look at that line.

3
tellthestarsOP•

Yes I noticed that stumble at incomplete, but decided to leave it in as I felt it kind of gave a sense of incompleteness. However it seems that was not the best choice! Thank you for the feedback!

1
thomasdav_is•

I like how you've done this. Have you read it aloud? I did and it mostly sounds great, but maybe the grammar is slightly off to the rhythm?

2
tellthestarsOP•

Thanks for this tip! I almost never read my work outloud, so this is probably a good idea going forward. I notice sometimes I'll write something that flows awesome then come back to it days/weeks later to find it doesn't flow at all. Reading it outloud could probably help with this I'm sure. Thanks!

1
muckduckgoose713•

I enjoyed this, it makes you contemplate your choices and how they play out. Where you said, “holding my breath would never stop time” was very deep and relatable, almost like struggling to move forward. If I would say anything bad about it, maybe some choice of wording to make it flow a little better. Like where you said, “the picture remains incomplete”, maybe replacing incomplete with “same” might make it flow a little better because I already feel the vibe of incompletion. But I still enjoyed how thought provoking it is and the journey it takes you on in finding yourself. Great job!

2
tellthestarsOP•

Thank you, this is very helpful feedback! I'm glad that the sense of incompletion is already there. "Same" is exactly what I had considered changing it to before posting, but decided to leave it. I'll take another look at the wording, thanks again!

2
muckduckgoose713•

Anytime, I’m glad I could help! Look forward to reading more.

1
AecusRegen•

I feel like the second line is really powerful "bruised to the bone" and "labeled my soul" really put forth that feeling of a desperate, but ultimately futile struggle against the march of time and for this reason I personally would switch line one and line two, so that the poem opens with that sense of pain and hopelessness that serves as the central theme. Overall I really enjoyed this!

2
tellthestarsOP•

Thanks for the feedback! My only concern with that would be that changing those two lines would require me to change the entire structure of the poem, as line 3 needs to follow line 2 in order to make sense. But I get what you are saying. Give me something to think about. Thanks!

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
tellthestarsOP•

Thank you! I'll check it out.

1