SpoiltSpat gets her revenge
Hey all, hope I can put up a post non-sequitur to all the recent drama and apologies.
WARNING ⚠️ CHILD NUDITY ADULT INAPPROPRIATENESS * * * *
I’ve really missed this sub, and consequently had no one to share alllll the latest drama with my MIL! I’m not a complete idiot, and have been trying to follow all the breakdowns and fallout from really bad commentators m, but it got hard to follow all the threads and every convo. So just a general shoutout to you all.
My MIL I nicknamed SpoiltSpat because if she doesn’t get to give gifts, and money, then she gets aggressive and aggravated. Like actually mean and rude kind of aggravated. My son and I giggled recently over how angry she would get if we bought our own tickets, or paid for our own drinks. He luckily doesn’t have to see her because it’s not his bio GMA, and I cut her off from him when she made a disparaging comment about how his schooling is « unimportant » and tried to change the subject in a family discussion. He’s seven.
Well, my mom came and visited for awhile, and it went as disastrously as one could imagine. My MIL took it upon herself to again invite my mom to multiple affairs, with no mention to me whatsoever, did I mention my ma came to visit from another continent? Or that I hadn’t seen her in years? Well, it’s true. And no, I was not invited to said events. Hahaha. Oh SpoiltSpat.
There’s too many things to list here for right now, but as it stands, my MIL has-
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Insinuated our newest child was « hers, » as in when I told her our newest’s name, she said « IF I HAD A DAUGHTER, I WOULD NAME HER (daughter’s name) ». Like, ok MIL. No one asked. Plus, it’s daughter’s SECOND NAME. (Smacks forehead).
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Tried walking up to my SO at his work and just announcing plans (dates, place, time), to see the kids, which he QUICKLY shut down. The man is finally leaving the FOG, praise Jesus. We have come a long way, my friends.
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SO’s BROTHER also invited himself along to said imagined outing??? AGAIN, SO had to shut that down. I guess this was just a regular thing I was unaware of?? BIL would just be invited by MIL and FIL (without our consent) then act outrageously selfish and inappropriately at these outings. Plus his parents just thought it cool to invite their other GROWN-ASS son to their other kids’ family events ? My head is exploding.
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At the last said event, BIL whacked my son in the face repeatedly with a balloon, aggressively. MIL sat and watched as I just stood with my mouth open. I hate myself for not defending my son, but BIL is in his forties. Shouldn’t he know better? WTF?
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Also the last outing, rather event planned at our house, MIL had followed my SO into our laundry room to stand on my dirty laundry as SO changed our infant daughter. MIL stroked my naked daughter and held her naked foot in her hand, wondering aloud if Baby has BIL’s genetic foot defect. WTF lady? That is NOT how DNA works. Also, meanwhile I was giving MIL serious side-eye (b*** took my place next to SO; serious boundary stomping) and she just stared back. I hate her.
Ok this is getting long. I’m so happy to see this sub is back up and am reading every post. I’m sorry there are so many users feeling unsupported, for the record I agree with your sentiments and pray it gets better here for you.
Thanks, my LettersJNMIL dudes!!
EDIT- I put trigger warning for the naked changing fiasco, for all abuse survivors. I apologize for anybody who thinks my flair is excessive, I just never know.
Posted Aug 4, 2019, 11:33 AM UTC
I’m sorry but is there a reason why the grandmother shouldn’t be around talking to her son when baby is getting a diaper change? And naked foot? What? I’m not understanding this at all? None of this strikes me as odd, she’s her grandmother.
As a woman myself I’ve been around plenty of babies getting changed and I’m concerned you are sexualising a completely normal activity- perhaps more details needed as to why you feel this is bad?
Edit: my comment seems aggressive and I don’t mean it to be and I’m genuinely curious. Apologies if it comes across that way.
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Apologist for #metoo? Excuse me but what? Giving you the “eebie jeebies” over asking for your reasoning behind a gran holding a babies foot and talking to her son while doing a completely normal activity? That’s an incredibly insulting response that is unwarranted. You’ve now given more background but assumed readers would know the backstory here- we don’t. Good day to you.
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Please read.
MIL followed my SO into a private area of the house. And no, I don’t think it’s normal his mom touched the baby while she was being changed.
This is the same woman who bent my newborn’s pinky backward « adjusting her cuff, » then went on to ask me to stop breastfeeding same baby. I don’t mean to JADE, but yes you come across majorly tone deaf. If you have nothing positive to say, why say anything at all? This is a support sub, thanks.
I shouldn’t have to explain my boundaries to you nor go into detail as to why this woman is abusive to me and my children. I’m in a SUPPORT sub. That should be a fucking given, dude!
Is support really what you're seeking here?
Sometimes support comes in the form of questioning or even gentle criticism.
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But, if you truly want support, wouldn't you be open to outside opinions that are not affection by emotions? They could give you insight that certain behavior of MIL is bad, but other behavior is really pretty reasonable?
Wouldn't you want to hear from various viewpoints that support how you can best pick what is worth getting upset over, and determining why X conduct upset you? For example, I hated my abusive mother so much, every innocent or even mildly annoying thing she did caused my blood to boil. I had such pent-up resentment that I interpreted all of her behavior as ill-willed. I had to ask myself, "If my friend did this exact same thing or said the exacts same line, would I be this bothered?"
"Support" does not mean mindless validation. If you went to a therapist for help, would you want that therapist to simply agree with every single thing you said? Or, would you want your therapist to give you honest, fair and reasonable possible interpretations of how to handle issues with a person with whom you already have tension?
Is this how you talk to people who are genuinely trying to help? We don't know anything beyond what is in your open post. "She caressed my baby's naked foot while I changed her" sounds like...a very normal thing a MIL would do.
"But she stood right next to my husband as he changed my baby, which is Jocasta-y." I...really am trying, but if that's the extent of it, I see no implied sexual or sonsband-type issues with a grandmother standing next to her adult son while changing an infant baby. If the kid had a sock on the "naked foot" would that have calmed you?
She was "standing on your dirty laundry." Maybe there was no where else to stand?
Same goes for a MIL thinking aloud, even if it was annoying, "If I had a daughter, I'd name her X." I wouldn't interpret that as "MIL is implying my daughter is HER daughter!"
If you are still reading, consider this: let's say you want to get informed on an emotionally-charged subject, and because you are directly affected by it, your emotions are strongly biased because the subject has hurt you. Let's pretend is the Israel-Palestinian issue and you belong to one of the two groups.
Would you obtain research to make a judgment from just those news sites that support your argument? Or would you educate yourself from multiple sources with different or no biases? Wouldn't the latter option best help you determine how you can deal with the issue in the most fair manner?
Do you believe that comments that do not automatically agree with you are "unsupportive"?
This is exactly what OP needs to hear and take to heart if she wants her MIL situation to improve.
I read a bit OP's comment history. I don't think our viewpoints will be considered helpful.
On a private note, I loathed my mom for unresolved physical and emotional abuse. Even when I was 25 and independent and she was on her best behavior, I couldn't be around her without feeling that inner rage. It took me awhile to realize I was being an ass to her and embarrassing her. I also made everyone around us miserable. I'd pounce on anything my mom said that could be remotely interpreted as stupid, selfish or mean. I had decades of unresolved fury and the lack of justice (she never had to pay for her criminal behavior and everyone babied her) enraged me.
I finally had to take a step back, realize that I was not in a position to be around her as I was not ready or capable of forgiving her. And if that was how I felt, it was unfair to constantly glare at her or pounce on every perceived slight. The right thing was to either talk with her about the unresolved hurts (and if that did not work, end the relationship) or, keep my distance.
Otherwise, I just created drama for her, me, people around us and made myself look like an unreasonable asshole. Created so much otherwise avoidable stress for myself.
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