toothpaste

Damn this is good. These references to moments I feel like I’m experiencing myself but through my own unique set of experiences that seem similar to those in the poem. It makes me sad but in the kind of way that also makes me feel alive. You did an excellent job balancing being overly vague and using shadowed but exciting opaqueness. If you’re not familiar with it, I’d recommend doing a web search for a poem with the line “don’t fall in love with people like me.” It has been a favorite poem of mine for years and your poem here reminded me of that one. I think you’d enjoy it, too

Tell me you have more poetry to share? I felt every line of this.

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I feel like this poem is very personal, but also universal. As in the specifics are personal but the bigger pictures are things all people go through.

Just to say I like it. Perhaps I will give more feedback when I have time.

I love the line about strangers "happening into their lives". Such a good word to describe whatever the "it" is that is life.

That, and the last two lines about soap and toothpaste struck me as really beautiful. So simple, specific, and clear. An image of some life in love.

Thank you for sharing this

Felt the poem through and through. Love how anyone could relate to the poem given their own personal context.
The second last verse is where I was just overwhelmed with goosebumps. Loved every line break.

let’s watch a thousand strangers

happen into their

own little lives right in front of us

The word 'happen' feels so vague but so fulfilling at the same time, much can be said about the dilemma it brings.
However, my most favourite part would be,

and maybe

we’ll fight about religion or politics

or whatever forces push us

forward into the morning sun

with each new passing day

and god, i have never

loved to disagree with anyone

as much as i have loved to disagree

with you

loved the entirety of the idea, how we helplessly get motioned into topics and then shifts of topics which aren't as significant as the person themself. It is all too good! Thank you for sharing this and inspiring me!

" unwavering stoicism is my last supper " Is a really good line. It took a me a minute to think about it, but it's definitely a red flag. Thanks for sharing!

Oh, I love this. The start of the third stanza is beautiful. You captured all the lost and hazy feelings of this relationship beautifully - the emotions are so subtly there. Very well done.

One thing I would consider changing is the line “with our blood dripping liquor”. It’s a beautiful line for sure, but since the blood is, I’m assuming, still in their bodies, the word dripping doesn’t feel like the best fit to me. I understand it’s a poetic choice and I respect that, it just wasn’t my favourite.

Honestly, I can’t find any other critiques to suggest. This is gorgeous, and you should be proud.

Edit: read it again, added a suggestion

The emotion in this piece is radiating. I like how you went from the past to a scenario. The title is perfect. I love this so much thanks for sharing!!!

I am not sorry to say that I don’t have any constructive advice to share, the poem reads solid again and again. I love it. Well, OK, just one thing: have you looked at it with capitalized sentences? I am not sure it needs small caps, the effect was like a stream of consciousness, but the content of the poem is very much coherent and doesn’t leap from image to image or idea and idea like the aforementioned technique. But really, it a trifling, nit-picky comment. Excellent work.

This was beautiful. The imagery was vivid and beautiful. In a relatable way. Like I’ve had all these things happen to me. It whisks you back to a simpler happier time. Good read. I’d love to read more.

that miraculous fleeting thing

was born that second night?

Oh my goodness, I loved this. I’m a sucker for the kind of poem that takes a tiny moment in time and inflates it, draws upon it for inspiration, expands upon it until it becomes a universal (as I believe someone else in the thread said). You write beautifully... do you have a blog or anything that we could follow?

Beautiful poem. You capture a relationship in a few lines😊

i’m sorry for the formatting or any awkward sentences, i’m in a rush but i wanted to write a reply before i forgot.

this piece was excellent, and i’m sure you know it. rarely do i find a piece that i find both well-written and beautifully emotional, but you’ve done it. i’m not sure if i have any criticism, to be honest. you succeeded tremendously at conveying the sensation of falling in love - it shows up in our day-to-day, when we’re talking to our friends, and we have a newfound appreciation for even the simplest moments with a lover.

you’re a skillful writer, and you painted these scenes so smoothly: some lines stood out to me, such as “blood dripping liquor/mouth dripping toothpaste”, “let’s watch a thousand strangers happen into their own little lives right in front of us”, “.. whatever forces pushes us into the morning sun”. you’re very talented, believe me when i tell you it’s been a while since i enjoyed a poem as much as now.

i love how it builds up to this fantasy the narrator has with her new partner in the final stanza. this work is the perfect example of “show, don’t tell” and frankly an inspiration. congratulations, and thank you for sharing

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This is a really moving piece. Even as a bit of a jaded and aged 26 year old, this resonates with me. I'll be reading this piece repeatedly for a few weeks to come. Thank you.

As a person in my early 20s trying to navigate love and dating, this is incredibly resonant. I love the imagery of

our blood dripping with liquor

and how that parallels

my mouth dripping with toothpaste

I also feel like the part about loving to disagree with your partner is indicative of a really strong relationship and demonstrates that this isn't childish infatuation, but genuine affection for the other person.