I can feel it coming, like a premonition,
or an aura. A sense of impending doom–
like a green sky before a tornado. I watch
the curtains slowly close on my old life:
my happiness, my normalcy, my personality.
How was I ever so lucky, to exist
in the world, and not in my head.
My hand, outstretched, can only wave,
as the tugboat gently rows upstream,
into the fog. Everything is muffled.
Posted Aug 5, 2019, 10:52 PM UTC
Is this like knowing when you are having a relapse or warning signs that one is coming?
I find the formatting to be like a run-on sentence in a way, very interesting, is that how this person is thinking?
I feel sad that "Everything is muffled." is the last thought, because now their whole life is subdued, not its whole self.
Thank you for sharing!
You got it- I wrote this about feeling an oncoming relapse. It’s funny because during depression it is hard to pinpoint the feeling of it, and coming out of it is hard to pinpoint as well. But now, as I feel it coming back, I am having some clarity. Familiar feelings are returning, and I wanted to demonstrate both the recognition and the frustrating helplessness. This poem started as me just writing in my journal and then I decided that I liked the metaphors and wanted to try to make it into a poem. Thank you for the feedback!
Nice poem. Thanks for sharing
Thanks!
Nice poem. I like how one can feel the feeling of anxiety getting closer
Thank you!
I love this poem. It really spoke to me because this is just how I feel so much. One thing I would say though, and I saw someone else commented this, is that it does come across more as anxiety. I feel like depression is more that you just don’t care what happens, and you feel that nothing really matters. Anxiety is more like an avid fear of Murphy’s law, and you’re constantly looking and preparing fir that horrible thing that could happen. Just keeping to yourself because chances are higher those horrible things will happen if you go out and involve yourself with other people. Other than that, it was still an amazing poem that really spoke to me.
Thank you for the feedback! I further explained my intent in other responses which may make things a bit clearer, but I am glad you were able to resonate with it no matter how it came across to you. :)
I had a mental breakdown about two months ago and have been on a road to recovery, I started writing music again and now I’ve started working on lyrics/poems (just add libbed prior in my songs.) and this is really inspiring.
I do feel like this is more of a building block for future poems. It evoked feelings I have after an anxiety attack, when I’m too exhausted to actually be able to have my mind slip to really dark areas...but I wish i could go to those dark thoughts because at least it’s feeling something.
Constructive feedback would be to make the imagery a little more congruent. If it’s intentional disregard. I just feel like the tugboat idea should be an overarching image/motor for the whole. It’s a very powerful way to describe depression and I think more emphasis would really tie everything together nicely!
Thank you for the advice! I will definitely continue to tinker with this poem/idea and see what I can make out of it.
Awesome! I look forward to seeing the updates
Great use of metaphors. Not only is it a creative way of expression but also therapeutic, IME.
Thanks! It started as a venting journal entry and only later turned into a poem, so you hit the nail on the head with the theraputic effect.
I always think of anxiety and depression as like an emotional headache, and so feeling it coming on really encapsulated that for me. The last two lines don't really strike me as a strong ending, but maybe you can talk about why you chose them? I think this is good work, my personal preference would be to elaborate on the metaphors a bit further. Otherwise, good poem. :-)
Emotional headache, what an interesting (and accurate) way to describe that. The sensation of entering a fog is perhaps how I can best describe the feelings I have, where my brain feels slower, and I feel less connected to the present world. The muffled line started as a more detailed description of how when I am in a bad mood (which I often am while depressed), voices of people talking to and around me quite literally feel far away. I can hear them clearly, but it is a bit like listening to someone talk in another language; it has little effect on me. I have to concentrate to pay attention because the thoughts in my head are so much more immediate and overpowering. Maybe I will elaborate on this more in the poem. Thank you for the helpful advice and feedback!
This poem is very relatable and puts depression/anxiety into words perfectly. I could see this in a rupi kaur esc. novel! Nice work ❤️
Thank you! I admire rupi kaur so that is a very sweet comment to hear :)
Hello,
I think the last three lines are very, very good. The image is strong and the feeling behind it is genuinely there and something that myself and a lot of others can relate to.
The bit with the tornado, in my opinion, is a bit trite. The idea of any sort of subtlety before a storm (no wind, green sky, etc.) is used often, and judging by how the rest of your words are very unique I think that you could do something much more fresh and unique there as well.
Overall, I really enjoyed the read, thank you.
Thank you for the feedback! I will definitely consider a different simile for that line. What about “goosebumps on a warm day”. Just as overused? I’ll keep tinkering with it.
This resonates so well with me. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it's a whisper in your mind, almost like a breeze. Nothing specific to pinpoint, but you know what the feeling means. Sometimes its quicksand, suffocating with how slowly but completely encompassing it is.
And the rest of this comment turned into a poem of my own. Thanks for sharing bits of your depression, it helps when we stick together.
Haha, now go flesh out your poem so I can give you some feedback! Thank you for the read and comment :)
I just posted!! Sorry that my title is derivative, i hope to think of a better title shortly.
Absolutely stunning. Maybe since I also battle mental illness, I could relate strongly. It also reminded me a lot of my own work/style.
Onto specifics. I enjoy how well the speaker is characterized. There is a clear sense of person, of movement, and of scope. I loved how your action verbs push that scope. So the speaker feels something "coming", right into premonitions and auras. Then impending, tornadoes, and curtains closing. The movement pushing the speaker's musing. My favorite lines are at the end. Starting from "My hand [...] upstream," once again from movement into something more ethereal. It just has a nice flow, a nice ease.
For review, not much I can think off. There are spots where you could ground the abstraction, to make the images have even more oomph. So for example those aforementioned lines can be heightened even further. The hand outstretched can groundedly wave at something. The boat can move towards something concrete. I think it will add a bit more relatability, for your reader. Great job though!
Thank you for the wonderful feedback, and advice! I will definitely consider making the poem longer and more descriptive.
"How was I ever so lucky, to exist in the world, and not in my head".
Fucking wow. As one of the many who has struggled with mental health issues, that's so powerful. Well done.
Thank you!
this feels so real and vivid. And the sense of danger is real. As if it is right behind you, waiting to strike at any given moment. You can feel the anxiety. And you had good decision of words
"How was I ever so lucky, to exist in the world, and not in my head".
Fucking wow. As one of the many who has struggled with mental health issues, that's so powerful. Well done.
Very good portrayal of anxiety, I could almost feel it in my gut. I also like how, arguably, the deepest part of the poem is just thrown in there like a thought you have during a journey, but it still feels important enough so you can't forget it. These two lines:"How was I ever so lucky, to exist / in the world, and not in my head." also sound like something the subject would tell out loud just for himself. The only thing I would change is the title - maybe Anxiety would work better.
A few other people have also mentioned how this seems to fit the theme of anxiety. I’ve dealt with both depression and anxiety so perhaps I’ve inadvertently overlapped the two.
You are helping me see a meaning to my poem that I hadn’t thought about before. My intention was to describe the feeling of depression symptoms coming back after a period of good health- a relapse. However, now I can see that if you read it more in the moment, and take “impending doom” as a literal feeling, then it does seem to describe anxiety. Thank you for the feedback!