Recovery & Acceptance

I’ve reached a point with my ex that I didn’t think I was capable of and that’s completely walking away. We’ve been broken up almost 2 months now after a 3 year relationship and having lived together the last 2. While I wasn’t sure of where it would go when we split I knew I loved her and wanted to be in her life. I was hopeful for reconciliation but only if major changes were made by us both. We were stressed and unhappy and I was very worried about her mental state including occasional self harm.

We have a major age difference (41 and 22) but that was never an issue while we were together. I thought it played into this until I started reading up on things and finding closure on my own.

The thing is I did everything I could to love and support her and it was never going to be enough. I cared about her so much and since our split shouldered the burden of the blame for months. I believed I’d crushed her and let her down - yet another person she feels abandoned her but it’s simply not true.

After the initial ego bruise and hurt feelings of the sudden cut off (6 days after moving) where I lashed out I’ve been proud of my behavior. I’ve done my best to respect her boundaries, encourage, and forgive while at the same time beating the shit out of myself. I’m done with that because all it’s done is invite her to take shots at me and shed all accountability for her role in things.

She’s drinking which she rarely did before and might be in a destructive hypomanic state. I fear she’s not taking care of herself or even worse has stopped her medications and isn’t going to therapy. While that sucks, it’s not my responsibility to help any longer.

I’ve done a tireless amount of reading in order to learn from all of this and be okay going forward. By chance I stumbled across writings last night that changed everything for me. It was almost like what I read was a script based on my last 2+ years and I’d say 95% of the behaviors described applied to my experience with her. Unfortunately it put a lot in perspective that’s difficult to accept personally. It points out my flaws and insecurities as well but it brought me back to reality and helps keep me focused on me.

It made me think about the day in, day out abusive behaviors she’d initiate. It reminded me how we never had more than 2 or 3 “good” days at a time after the initial honeymoon phase of the first 6-9 months. It reminded me how frequently she’d lie and blame me because she was “protective of my feelings” or “didn’t want me to ever feel 2nd.” There is so much in hindsight when pieced together that makes me realize what a charade it may have been at times and never what I believed it to be.

I’m reminded how often I’d be blamed for HER decisions, then feel guilty. Over time I quit explaining things rationally and replied with anger and frustration. I hated myself for it and it’s not who I was before or since. So many things I accepted as fact may not have been and I simply choose not to spend another second on it after this post.

While I might sound angry I’m not. In fact I’ve been over the anger for quite some time. The tone of the piece I read came across as too harsh to me despite how accurate the content was and that’s why I won’t share it here. I fear it could be a trigger for some. After seeing this daily for so long I have the utmost compassion for anyone living with BPD or BP. Idk everything that went on while we were together or since and I don’t care. What’s done is done. Ignorance is bliss as she would often say to me. I’m focused on forgiveness and healing for my own sake.

For weeks it felt like my life had ended but it’s done nothing but improve since I stood my ground and said I couldn’t live with her any longer. I’ve done a ton of work on myself including therapy 2x a week, going to the gym 4-5x a week (lost 15 lbs and the biceps look pretty good ☺️) and reflecting on myself to see how my words or actions may have impacted her. That’s the hardest part.

I was separated but still married when we met and I didn’t address the new relationship with my wife which caused problems until the end. I own that 100% and this entire ordeal has challenged me to put myself first and stop worrying so much about everyone else. I see my ownership in response to her cycles is far more than I understood and that part kicked my ass for a while. I can’t change any of it, I can only grow from it.

AVV, if you’re doing the work still and see this I just wish you well. One day I believe you will know how much I tried and how much I loved you but the only person that will save you is you.

I didn’t let you down, I let myself down by letting this go on for so long. You have a special place in my heart and I choose to remember the good times but I’ll no longer romanticize this relationship. It was severely flawed and there was no saving it. I didn’t trust you by the end and doubt I ever could again. You projected your behavior onto me and I was so beaten down I’d started questioning myself. That’s over.

I’ve never been more taken with a person in my life. I was so in love with you and wish you’d seen it. You have an amazing spirit and a beautiful mind. I never quit loving you during the ugly times but it wasn’t sustainable without change. You showed very quickly you weren’t willing to do the work and I won’t share in that blame.

I don’t love you less now, I love you differently. I believe I will always love you.

I’ll carry what I learned from this the rest of my life and if there’s any solace in the pain it’s I’m tackling things about myself I was aware of but never understood.

I’m thankful for the years we spent together and I will always think of you as my sweet little Amita.

I forgive you.