AITA For Not Wanting to Meet Bio-Child

In 2007 I gave birth to a little girl, Lily. My ex and I were deep into drugs and alcohol and were highly abusive. He got sober and asked if he could keep the baby. I agreed. I got sober but relapsed during the pregnancy, cementing the idea that I was not a good person for Lily. I relinquished my rights and my ex took Lily to live in Florida where he's from. I stayed in Alaska, where I'm from. I never saw Lily after the day I signed my rights away, something I've never regret.

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When Lily was two I got a letter of request of adoption. My ex had been seeing a woman since the Lily was four months old and she became momma in all sense of the word. When they got married when Lily was two she wanted to adopt her. I agreed because the Lily needs a momma. They unfortunately divorced when Lily was four but this woman is legally her mother so they've always had a relationship. In fact, this woman had custody of Lily and my ex had visitation. My ex unfortunately passed away about a year and a half ago in a car accident. He started drinking again and he crashed his car. Lily's mom had been seeing a man since the divorce who she recently married. He wanted to adopt Lily because he loves her and wants her to have a family despite everything.

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Out of respect for me the mom wrote me a letter and formally asked for my blessing. I have no legal rights but she's a lovely lady who loves Lily and respects me as the bio-mom. Of course I gave my blessing because I want Lily to have the best life she can. But then the mom said Lily wants to meet me. She's 12 now. I haven't seen her since the day I gave up my rights and watched an airplane fly away. I've never regret giving her to her father where her life was far better than it ever could have been with me, a mess of a human.

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This last year since I got sober my life has been really hard. My dad died, my brother was diagnosed with cancer and is failing fast, my godmother was paralyzed in a terrible accident. All of this has been testing my sobriety in the worst way. Watching my brother fade, and knowing my dad is gone, and watching my godmother battle depression due to her disability, has been harder than all the times I've relapsed, even the OD. I know meeting Lily would be too much stress on top of everything and would make me remember a really awful time in my life. I'm afraid meeting her would make me use again.

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I told my mom I had been offered the chance to meet but declined and she went off on me. Said she had always wanted to meet Lily but she never said but now she feels like I've forever shut the door and she'll never have the chance. I told her to just write Lily's mom and ask for permission but she says that I've ruined everything by saying no. She asked me to write Lily's mom and ask for permission, which I said no to doing. I don't want to get Lily's hopes up about me. My mom is pissed off at me and says I've ruined everything.

AITA for not wanting to meet Lily?