Song of Thrandheim
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Posted Aug 10, 2019, 11:19 PM UTC · edited
35
You definitely captured the fantasy genre in this, and it is overall quite well-written - I especially like the AA/BB rhyme scheme, as it lends a lilting and playful air to the verses.
If I had to nitpick anything, it would be that the syllabic content doesn’t always flow (uneven amounts in an AA pair), which often can be remedied by reading the verse aloud and eliminating any excess words (sometimes removing or adding “the” is a simple enough fix).
Nice work overall!
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Thanks! I'll try to improve that in future.
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This definitely has a fantasy feel to it, you nailed the genre. I was actually gonna bring up the cliches, but then it clicked, 'this is a fantasy poem'. I love the use of words like 'verdant' and 'embalmed', they give a powerful, ethereal feel to the 'Eternal Lady' character (makes me think she might be the personification of love?).
The only negative is the use of the word 'amplified'. It sounds too 'modern'. I know it's not a new invention, but the connotations of the word are more technological than fantastical. Just a suggestion, but making the line 'His song now heard far and wide' might sound better (it also shows how the song might travel through word of mouth.)
Honestly though, just a nitpick. A real strong poem with a solid genre feeling behind it.
Thank you so much for being the first to comment! I love getting feedback
I really appreciate the criticism, yeah, I just wasn't sure what else to rhyme it with, but tbh I didn't even pick it out as too modernistic to begin with, now reading over it again it sticks out. The eternal lady is actually a personification of nature, but she does have a romantic streak to her.
Ahh, nature makes sense. For some weird reason, I had it in my head that 'verdant' was a 'Love' word, but, as it turns out, it's a 'nature' word. Nice word, now I'll have to overuse it every chance I get.