Source
r/OCPoetry•
Marvinion

Sadness vs Traurigkeit

Feedback Received!

i translate this short piece of Mine from German to english to make the Sense understandable for all on here.

Original:

"Ab dem dritten Tag ist Traurigkeit manchmal auch eine Entscheidung."

Translation:

"After day three sadness can sometimes also be a decision"

@luke.one (which is me) ^^

Feedback:

1.) https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/coo8vx/what_i_want/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

2.) https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cor14r/pulse/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Aug 11, 2019, 2:25 PM UTC

42
narcissi_in_july•

This is a good start, dude! I can understand ~a little~ german, so it was nice reading this. If you want some constructive feedback on your poem, I'm going to advise you to incorporate some imagery and figurative language. For instance:

​

Deutsch:

Ich wasche das Meer,

Und trinke meine Gedanken,

Ich lasse die Traurigkeit mich in den Tiefen finden;

Bis zum dritten Tag,

Die Entscheidung hat mich getroffen.

​

English:

I wash the sea,

And drinking my thoughts,

I let the sadness find me in the depths;

By the third day,

The decision has made me.

​

By incorporating some imagery into your poem, you can convey your thoughts, emotions and message more powerfully to a reader. Right now you don't really have a poem per say, more a statement or the theme of a poem. Some imagery and figurative language would help this. I'd encourage you also use add some more dimensions to your poem. Why is the narrator making this statement? Has something upset them deeply?

​

Again, good job!

2
Kwagmyr•

Wow. That’s a really powerful line. I also know some German, and I expected the first part to be translated as “After the third day” vs “day three.” I know it’s really minute but it’s interesting that something like that does make a small difference.

1