Source
r/OCPoetry•
thesarcastic_spatula

Seams

Feedback Received!

We went to the waterpark together,

along with some friends,

we spent the day with them,

but little did they know,

it wasn't their seeds of friendship,

we were there to grow.

.

we went to the waterpark together,

climbing the stairs,

hauling those inner tubes up,

so we could come down,

crashing into freezing cold water,

with not a frown.

.

we went to the waterpark together,

and when he asked me,why carry those up,

by only the seams?

I shrugged in unknowing.

"the hardest way possible,

by all means"

.

he said it showed strength,

but stubbornness, too

I've carried it inside me,

I had no clue.

As long as I carry,

them up by the seams,

he promised me that,

I'll never be blue.

.

we went to the waterpark together,

we spent hours in line,

and found secret ways,

to go down a ride,

now screaming together,

side by side.

.

I remember we went there together,

the memory is faded,

but I still see his smile,

despite all this time,

now I'm starting to think,

that might be a crime.

.

we went to the water park,

together no longer,

and its been quite a while,

since I've carried them,

up from those streams,

holding on,

by only the seams.

.

feedback:

1 2

Posted Aug 16, 2019, 3:52 AM UTC

310
foreverasprout•

I really liked this, the repetition that anchors the change of the relationship that occurs over a period of time. The only line that seemed out of place to me was " with not a frown"...I think you might have intended to show that those were purely happy times, but I think it distracts from the overall image you are painting. The shift in the relationship is felt naturally with the progression of the poem. Anyway, it was a nice read, thank you for sharing.

2
thesarcastic_spatulaOP•

Thank you so much for your feedback! :) I’ll try to rework that line. Thank you!

1
stargazer32528•

Really well written. You tell the story well. The chance meeting, the connection, the bonding and the change with loss.

It's got flow and the pace is perfect. I love your use of the lines

"the hardest way possible,

by all means"

.

he said it showed strength,

but stubbornness, too

These got me good! Very apt and true. Hope you found your strength and stubbornness again. Thanks for sharing this!

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
Officialdjinnx•

So I'm getting a lot of sexual imagery from this but that could be due to the Freudian influence in the way I was taught to analyze literature but I think that's what we're getting at here. I find the poem sad since it seems you are trying to forget his memory or try to get it out from you when you go to the water park. But really I have to ask why the repetition of seams?

2
thesarcastic_spatulaOP•

When I wrote this, I didn’t intend for it to be sexual, however I’m sure you could read it that way if you’d like... as for the repetition of seams, it was the way I carried inner tubes up because I’m kinda crazy. He pointed it out and now remembering, I thought it would be a good way to tie it all together maybe..? Thank you for your feedback btw, you are great at analyzing poems :)

1
Officialdjinnx•

Haha thanks. I never really thought I'd be good at analyzing literature (It was my worst subject in school, I was always a math guy) but thank you. I just got the repetition of tubes, clothes, water parks etc. to be sexual but you know maybe I've just been corrupted.

2
thesarcastic_spatulaOP•

Lol everyone’s been corrupted to some degree, but now that you point out the specifics I see it... and you are good at analyzing literature :)

1
Officialdjinnx•

Thanks haha, maybe it's all the reading we had to do in high school.

2