Source
r/OCPoetry•
inky95

first post, sad poem, Alexa play Billie Eilish

Feedback Received!

no workbench but i ponder vices
dig through; find that which kind and nice is
to quiet existential cries is
fine

/

of this and that you must not think
of elephants all clad in pink
just picture pens and ink when you hear
lines

/

yes life is short
but days are long
and moments drag
in siren songs
and i can’t not tap my toe along
sometimes

Is line 1 too 'freestyle rap'? Too cheesy?
Should I switch out the end of line 2 with something about 'kind- and nice-ness' to avoid the repetition of the 'is' rhyme?

Is the 2nd stanza too on-the-nose with the 'lines' reference? Like I feel it's not NOT subtle but there aren't many different ways to interpret it.

Any other feedback? This began as an exercise in meter... I'd love if you guys could read it out loud and let me know where you feel it doesn't 'flow'.

^1 ^2

Posted Aug 19, 2019, 9:27 PM UTC

412
imnotreallycreative2•

I don’t know jack shit about poetry in my humble opinion but I like this SO much!

2
inky95OP•

Well I really frickin appreciate your humble opinion my friend. I'm no poetry expert either tbh

2
HeadfulOfHollow•

Is this really your first poem? If so, it's impressive. The first lines are not too cheesy, rather you set up the tone and rhythm for the rest of the piece and I think it really works, it's semi-comical, tongue in cheek misery.

​

Weakest part are the penultimate lines; and i can’t not tap my toe along
sometimes doesn't work, and the 'life is short' part is trite. The toe-tapping could work though, because it's a reasonably unique line, but needs to be surrounded by better writing. I also like the phrase "siren songs".

2
inky95OP•

haha i've dabbled before, I guess. nothing in earnest, but this is hardly in earnest.

is the theme i was trying to hit clear? i go back and forth between thinking 'i'm being too subtle to the point of the theme being obfuscated' and 'this is too obvious and heavy-handed as fuck'.

i agree on that being the weakest part. i was very careful with the meter but that's where i allowed myself to break the structure

your comments are honestly super useful and I'm very grateful for them, Headful

1
HeadfulOfHollow•

Yeah, it's quite clear, I think. Which is good, you don't want it to be hidden behind heaps of of obscure wording. Like, even Eliot's The Waste Land is simply written, despite its numerous references to mythology and history, etc. It has that Naturalist air about it. It's not heavy-handed either, someone familiar with poetry can spot a heavy-handed poem at first glance and it's always disgusting, I didn't feel that with this.

I'd implore you to post this on r/Poetasters, an up and coming poetry sub focused around humour, talented poets, and solid feedback, you'll likely get better responses there.

1
inky95OP•

just crossposted there! seems trendy. although i'm pretty ignorant/poorly read when it comes to poetry...

2
HeadfulOfHollow•

Don't worry, poetry isn't some obscure thing only for academics. I never wrote a jot until I was 19 years old (23 now), and I only became good at it, like maybe two years ago at best. It's a skill like any other, and requires effort, work and revision...a lot of which is gained through feedback and such. You'll be appreciated there!

1
Hershyk2•

Love the pattern of the lone word as the last line of each stanza. However, the repetition of the is in the last two lines of the first stanza could be replaced.

2
AngusMayonnaise•

This is rad as is, and am infinitely intrigued by the fact that this is one of your first (as you noted; correct me if wrong). Also, good freestyle rap is a wonderful place to understand multisyllabic rhyming and flow so that’s nowhere near a bad thing. This flows fantastically. Wouldn’t make any changes.

2
ARagingFire•

The only thing I would say is that this line (dig through; find that which kind and nice is) sounds a little awkward, and this line (and i can’t not tap my toe along) you can change can't not to can not or just leave it with can't alone. But it's definitely not cheesy. The last stanza is my favorite. Is the title Alexa, Play Billie Eilish? Because I love that! It has a very what's in right now vibe.

2
inky95OP•

Ooh this is good feedback.
Would you prefer the 2nd line to end in 'niceness' instead of 'nice is'? I could play with doing that, not having to end in 'is' could solve both the double-is-rhyme problem and the unwieldyness of the rearranged sentence (ending in is)...

I was just memeing with the title; I couldn't figure out what to call it. Titles are hard. But since I posted it I'm thinking I want the title to clearly show the theme - which I intended to be addiction (recovery, specifically). I don't think that's obvious enough at all.

1
ARagingFire•

I think you could change the 2nd line to dig through; find out what kind and nice is

then the 3rd could be to quiet existential crisis.

Obviously, you don't actually have to use that but that's what's in my head. I think the addiction theme is only a little lost because it could be confused with just simply being bored and not being on edge. I think there is a difference there, a small, but significant difference. Just adding in a word like crisis would send up a flag that there's more to this than plain boredom.

Also, something I think that you could do that would be really cool to do with this is list off all the reasons the narrator feels is the reasons they can't tap their toe along and then you can always loop back to that line like, reasons reasons reasons... 'that's why I can't tap my toe along sometimes.' If you keep it in this freestyle rap style, it would be a really cool spoken piece.

2