Untitled for now

Hi! So I think your choice of using fruit as a metaphor is really interesting. It evoked an image of a discarded, slowly rotting fruit basket--if that was what you are going for. A couple of things I would consider: one tip I always like to use is to read aloud my writing. If your tongue trips up on anything, then it's probably a bit clunky and needs to be rephrased. This is especially important in poetry, where minimalism creates added importance to the impact and physical *sound* of each word. For example:

got soaked in the fruit‘s red juice.

Try saying "fruit's red juice" three times fast. It's tough! Unless your goal is to trip up the reader, I suggest a simple "soaked in the red juice" as the "fruit" is self-explanatory within the context of "juice" and keeps your metaphor intact. Additionally, passive voice is usually best avoided as it makes the action less real and takes the reader a bit out of the narrative. Try to read through the poem and see where else your tongue might trip up.

with the bright seeds of my brain gone loose

"gone loose" evokes imagery of wild animals escaping a view, which took me out of the scene you had been painting up until then.

I lay on these steps a bit earlier

This one is also a bit of a mouthful. The rest of the stanza, however, was very vivid and flowed quite well. I especially liked the moldy peach being thrown violently at the door. It makes a nice echo of the aforementioned scene.

My mind has been decomposed

swarmed and eaten by flies.

It’s been completely deteriorated

by the barbaric passing of time.

I think you could cut down on the passive voice here as well. I got a lot more out of this stanza on the second reading. At first, I thought the choice of "barbaric" was a bit shocking and out of line with the tone of the rest of the poem, but on my second reading, I realized that it's a very thought-provoking choice that made me reconsider my initial reading and see the poem in a different light. So it all depends on what your goal is.
Really interesting poem, thank you!

I really enjoyed your comparisons/metaphors of damaged fruit to this narrator's dying body -- its a very creative take on death in this piece! I absolutely cringed while picturing the imagery of it, and it was also awesome to read aloud that way!

As for suggestions, I wasn't sure where this poem was going by the time I finished reading it; therefore, maybe this poem could expand on this person's reasons for getting themselves into this situation or the title could express something that has to do with this narrator's deterioration and/or backstory. As for title suggestions, maybe it could do something with the rotten fruit imagery since that is the core imagery of the piece.

Also, feel free to play around more with this narrator's backstory, as I read it, it seems like that the poem starts in media res with the person deciding to fall from a building and then the second stanza pulls the reader back to how they were already contemplating this decision earlier. I think It would be cool to see more on their story and more of this rotting fruit imagery throughout in order to fill out some plotholes of the story. Lastly, The first stanza say the narrator has dark brown hair, but in the second stanza its changed to dirty blonde, so I was confused if this was intentional or purposefully supposed to be different colors to indicate a passage of time and deterioration.

Really incredible job with this poem! Hope to see more of it!

I really like how you used the metaphor. i honestly think your word choice is good, but im a bit confused as to why at the begining you say 'dark brown hair' but then you say 'dirty blond hair'. I dont want to write a long feedback bc i feel like its probably a waste of your time, but overall i really like it.

thanks for reading

Your usage of fruit as a metaphor for soft brain tissue is brilliant. The juxtaposition of the two paint the vulnerability of the mind beautifully. I most enjoy that you used the word "barbaric" to describe the "deterioration of time"- although the subject matter of the entire poem leading up to this line seemingly deserves more barbaric adjectives, it's placement is perfect. The ending encaptures the madness- misery even- of an otherwise arbitrary element in our universe. I connected very well to this piece.

I liked this poem. The first stanza in particular was almost perversely funny, with the strange metaphor and imagery. I also liked the rhyme scheme, which seemed a bit more unpredictable than many people use.

I would recommend working with different meters and forms of structure, as this can be a good way to emphasize certain lines and phrases, as well as develop your sense of rhythm in verse.

Overall, a nice poem. I look forward to whatever you post next.

I really enjoy the first two lines. I think they are the strongest of the entire poem. The imagery of a pomegranate is so perfect. The lines grabbed my attention and kept me reading. I like how arbitrary they seem out of context. However, I think I've missed a deeper meaning. Why sixteen stories? Why concrete? Why stairs?

It evokes a personal tragedy, but becomes more and more abstract as the poem continues. I try to infer some coming of age/puberty symbolism with the ripening fruit. But the poem has this meta feeling that goes over my head. Very existential with the rotten a decomposing lines. Interesting, but I'm not sure I gleam a message or story more so than a feeling of intrigue. If that's the goal, then well done. If you'd like to develop it into a story or message, I think there is some wiggle room in the word choice. Barbaric passing of time feels so violent and masculine against the femininity throughout the poem.

The second half of the first stanza somewhat detracts from the powerful imagery of the first half. I like that it establishes a setting, but it also reads a bit on the nose. The same happens in the second stanza. Why mention a door? It's intriguing, but the focus had been on the stairs/a vertical space, and the door and wall take me away from the original scene and disorient me.

That's my reaction and feelings at least. I love your imagery. You know how to quickly and clearly put a picture in the reader's mind.